Communication with Teens

Every day I hear parents say their teens are driving them crazy. I hear story after story of battles going on in homes and the frustration parents are having trying to relate to their teens. They see their child going down a wrong path in life, and they don’t know how to direct them, correct them, or connect with them. They tell me they are at their wits end, and ready to kick them out! I am writing this blog as an encouragement for you, or someone you know, who may be facing this situation. I work with teens every day and I hear their side of the story. My heart breaks as I hear them saying the same things about their parents. I see them struggling to find their identity and self worth on their own. They are craving direction, but don’t know how to ask for it. They are craving correction, but don’t like receiving it. They are craving communication, but don’t know how to communicate.

Being a teenager is one of the most difficult times in life! Here’s why:

1. The body is going through physiological changes, and they don’t know how to react to them.
2. Their minds are shifting from a child mentality to an adult mentality, and they don’t know how to make the transition.
3. Their running as fast as they can to the finish line, called their 18th birthday, hoping that when they reach it, they will be listened to and taken seriously!
4. They are given more responsibility, but they are not trained how to be responsible.
5. They are given more freedom, but they are not trained on how to use their time wisely.
6. They are given money, but don’t know how to manage it.
7. They are expected to get a job, but don’t know how to work efficiently or the meaning of work ethic.
8. They are expected to attend school, church, activities, and get a job, but don’t know how to deal with the pressures of life.
9. They are given more control over what they watch on T.V., listen to on the radio, and what they look at on the internet, but they don’t know how to make wise choices.
10. They face the pressures of drugs, alcohol, sex, etc., without knowing how to have restraint.

These are just the top ten things I hear teens say that cause them the most hardship.
In most cases, when someone gets pregnant, they invest a lot of time in learning what it will take to care for a baby. They view this time investment as an exciting adventure of learning, and they draw from several resources, in order to gain knowledge on how to be the best parent. As a result the babies are well cared for, their needs are met, and the parents are wise to the challenges of raising a baby.

Then when they pass the baby stage something changes. A few parents will purchase the next book in a series, that teaches them how to raise a toddler, but most parents decide they can “wing it”. They don’t do any more homework on parenting. Fast forward 13 years when the child becomes a teenager and you will find most parents frustrated and overwhelmed when the hormones kick in. Add to that “I know it all” attitude and the battle begins! The relationship starts to deteriorate and in many cases communication comes to a halt. Don’t get me wrong there are words being spoken , but most of them are in a hostile or exhausted tone and everyone ends up feeling angry and defeated.

Both the parents and the teens do what comes natural. They go to their peers for advice and support. What the parents find are other parents who are in the same situation and they hear similar stories of frustration. When they walk away from the conversation they are no more equipped to deal with their teen than before they started talking. The parents determine this is normal and something they have to put up with, until the teen gets to the age where they can move out of the house. What usually happens next is the most disappointing result of these interactions. The parents pull back in their relationship and they give the teen more freedom to be with their friends. The common thought is that if the teen is out of the house they are not disrupting the environment.

As the teen spends more time with their friends hey look to their friends for advice, and they begin to determine that parents are unreasonable. They adopt a false belief system that says, “This is the way it is with all teen/parent relationships and nothing is ever going to change.” They too pull back from the relationship and they want to be out of the house more because they can’t deal with the environment at home either.

The result of both scenarios is the same. Neither the parents nor the teen learns how to communicate and both parties are left feeling agitated, angry, and alone. This combination of emotions and the feelings of hopelessness create an explosive relationship. The result is that both parties end up hurting each other with their words and actions. It doesn’t have to be this way but it takes time, energy, and effort to change it. Those parents who are willing to put in the time and are willing to learn how to communicate with their teen, experience less stress and the home environment is more peaceful for everyone in the household. The teens are less likely to be influenced by peer pressure to smoke, drink, use drugs, or engage in sexual activity.

All of the teens I have mentored or coached over the years, who are entangled in a lifestyle of sex, drugs, and alcohol, have told me they didn’t feel they had any other choice. They felt pressured and they had nowhere to turn for help or advice, because they couldn’t go to their parents for fear of how their parents would react. Parents are you listening to me? Your kids are afraid to come to you because they are afraid of your reaction! Something is drastically wrong when your teen cannot come to you for advice or guidance.

You are supposed to be their mentor and coach. Your number one job is to help your teen train for success! The teen years are not the time to back off in your relationship with your child. It is the time to move closer to them and to learn how to communicate with them. If you don’t do this and you don’t create a positive learning environment for them, someone else will create a negative and destructive one and your teen will become just another statistic.

Many parents have a “not my kid” attitude and they are unwilling to admit that their child is in danger of being influenced into drugs, alcohol, or sex. If they do find out their teen is engaging in these activities most parents place the blame on another kid, and tell their teen to stay away from that kid, because they are a bad influence. It is easier to point the finger than to face the reality of the truth! With the pressures of providing for the family and taking care of other children the parents today feel overwhelmed, and they don’t feel they have the time to do anymore than they are already doing. But I want you to understand that the old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” really is true! Many of the trials you are facing with your teen are preventative if you are willing to do the work to learn how to communicate with your teen.

I have a son who will be 15 in a couple of months. We have an incredible relationship! He shares his life with me and I coach him through the challenges he faces everyday at school and with his peers. I have given him permission to share everything with me and he knows I will never freak out on him no matter what he tells me. As a result he tells me everything! Sometimes it is hard to hear because I know more than I really want to know, but they are things I need to know. It is hard to hear him tell me of the number of his friends who are viewing pornography online, or who are drinking or using drugs, but in allowing him to share these things with me, I am able to coach him through it.

In turn he coaches his peers and many of them listen to him. Recently he showed me text messages from one of his female friends. The conversation was about her anger towards her parents and how she hated them. He was teaching her how to get a mindset of success by taking her focus off of her parents and putting her focus into her studies at school. At the end of the conversation she thanked him for helping her change her opinion of her parents. She said he was the only friend who really helped her and that her other friends only made her angrier at her parents. My son then told me of the many friends who come to him for advice and he shared with me what he was teaching these kids. He said girls were no longer having sex and the boys were rethinking their involvement in pornography.

You might be wondering how he knew what to say to those kids and how he was able to get them to change their behavior. The answer is that I taught him the truth about those things. I never told him not to have sex or not to view pornography. I told him how amazing sex is, and God’s design for it, and how fulfilling it is when you engage in it with your God given mate. I also told him the truth about pornography. I didn’t shame him or try to scare him. I was honest and told him what happens to the brain when a person views pornography, and how the areas of the brain that are affected by it. We had many conversations about it over a couple of months. The result was that he had all the information and was equipped to make a conscious decision about it for himself.

What I said made sense and he was able to process it and then in turn, teach his peers about it. You may be wondering where I got my information. Well I studied it for myself and became educated so I would know how to teach it to my son. I did the hard work beforehand and as a result I was equipped to train him when he began to ask questions. It goes back to what I said previously. I never stopped learning how to parent. I knew if I tried to “wing it” our relationship would suffer and my son would be left to being influenced by uninformed and misinformed peers, who didn’t have a clue about life. I refused to allow this to happen. I put in the hours of study for myself to ensure our relationship stayed intact and so my son would be equipped to face the pressures of the teenage life.

Look around you today at the number of adults who are ill-equipped in their own lives to face the daily influences of sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, etc., and I will show you an adult who didn’t receive proper training in their teenage years. They are basically teenagers in adult bodies who are still searching for the truth themselves. They are no more informed than they were when they were teens and they are still going to their peers for information. Unfortunately most of their peers are just as ill-equipped as they are, and the information they are getting is poor.

Look at the divorce rate or the statistics on affairs or pornography addiction. Look at the statistics on drinking or drug use, legal or illegal. Look at the increase in stress related diseases. The numbers are staggering! Adults are facing the same pressures that teens are facing and they can’t figure out how to deal with them in a healthy way. These same adults are now raising teens. If they don’t know how to deal with their own issues how are they going to know how to deal with their teens issues? The answer is they can’t! And so the cycle of dysfunction goes on and it is passed down to the next generation.

It is time for adults to come to a place of maturity and to begin to get help for themselves so they are able to help their teen navigate through life. I spent years reading, taking classes, counseling, etc., in order to deal with the issues of my past and I am grateful I did because I am able to coach my teenager through his issues. The biggest impact you can make on your teen’s life is to deal with your own issues so you are not afraid to deal with theirs. Your teen needs you! Today is a great time to buy a book, sign up for a class, surf the web for information, etc. in order to begin the process of healing and change for yourself. Those of you who are willing to take on this challenge and who are willing to become a coach will have success stories instead of horror stories to share when the teen years are over.

You might be thinking you don’t have the time. Let me dispel that myth for you and put this into prospective. How many hours a day are you willing to work for a company who could lay you off or fire you tomorrow? How much time are you willing to sit in front of a television and watch shows or sporting events that will do nothing to improve your life? How much time are you willing to spend scrapbooking, golfing, mountain climbing, sailing, etc. that will never amount to you winning a gold medal in the Olympics? How much time are you willing to spend with friends who you may get into a fight with tomorrow and never speak to again? How much time are you willing to volunteer for church or your kid’s school that you will not be a part of 10 years from now?

These are only a few areas where people spend their time where that time could be spent learning how to be a better parent. It is not a time issue that keeps you from doing what I am talking about. It is a priority issue. Ask any elderly person who spent their life becoming successful or spent their time serving their own interests, as they are sitting in a nursing home alone, if it was worth it. Ask them if it breaks their heart that their children rarely visit them. Ask them what the one thing is that they would do different and across the board you will hear them say they wished they would have put more priority on family and less time invested in trivial pursuits.

Your children will one day grow up and leave home and in time you will realize how much you miss them. You will reevaluate your relationship and there will come a time you will wish you had done things differently. And as your children have children of their own and they come to visit you, you will begin to see the effect you had on them. I hear story after story of grandparents whose hearts break because they see the way their children are parenting, but the most unfortunate thing is at that point it is too late and the grandparents have to suffer in silence. Some may speak up but most often an adult child will not change their interactions with their children just because their parents don’t agree with their parenting style. In fact, most adult children justify their actions by pointing out that they were parented in the same way. So the cycle of dysfunction continues and another generation is affected.

So my challenge to you today is to reevaluate your priorities and make becoming a healthy parent and coach one of your top priorities! The benefit that will come in everyone’s life far out ways the time it will take to change. Believe me if you will do this you will feel a sense of satisfaction that is far beyond anything you can think or imagine. And your children will one day rise up and call you blessed and they will thank you for placing value on their life. You have the opportunity to pass on a legacy of love, stability, health, wellness, and success that is far better than a gold medal, a tenure watch, or a plague on the wall. Those things will one day be destroyed; whereas the blessings you pass onto your children will go on from generation to generation!

Dating Series - Part 7

Every day my spam inbox is filled with invitations to join dating sites. They entice you with advertisements revealing gorgeous people and tell you your perfect match is waiting to meet you. There was a time when I was single when my colleagues at work convinced me to give it a try. They said it was a great way to sort through hundreds of potential mate candidates in hopes of finding my “Mr. Right”. As we set up my profile and uploaded my pictures I must admit I was excited! I knew what I was looking for and I was anticipating finding him through the internet super highway of dating.

I couldn’t wait until I had a break at work so I could check my email to see who was looking at my profile. Day after day I had invitations from men telling me they loved my profile and they wanted to get to know me better. I hadn’t had this much attention in my entire life and it felt good to be wanted. As I began to respond to some of the men I soon discovered that most of them did not have pure intentions in making contact with me. I was in shock when I read some of the requests for provocative pictures or invitations to chat on line or by web cam. Whenever I would respond and tell them I wasn’t interested in doing these things they quickly deleted me from their connections list.

Time and time again I found myself shaking my head in disbelief, wondering where these men got the notion that women were so easy. Then one day I met a man, not online, who filled me in on the reality of internet dating and the sad truth that much of it is just a way for men and women to fill their sexual desires in the disguise of looking for a true “soul mate”. Call me naïve but I really had no clue! I began to ask other men and women in my life about this and they confirmed what this man had told me.

Even though I was aware of this reality I kept my profile up just in case they were wrong. And then one day I opened my email and found a guy who sparked my interest because he didn’t respond like the previous men. After a few email exchanges I felt comfortable meeting him in person, in a public setting of course, and with people I knew with me. When we met I was delighted to find that we held many of the same values and interests. He was polite and never tried to make an advance towards me. In my mind I was thinking, “Now this guy is a great catch.” We had a wonderful time! Over the next couple of days we exchanged emails and talked on the phone a couple of times but something inside told me he wasn’t the one. I sent him an email and told him I didn’t think it was going to work out and I wished him well.

I continued to get emails soliciting me to enter into scenarios that made me feel quite uncomfortable and on Christmas Eve that year I made a decision to remove my profile from those sites. I’m sure internet dating works for some but it wasn’t an avenue I wanted to take any longer. I had a talk with God and told Him I really didn’t enjoy being single but I was not willing to lower my standards out of desperation. It felt so good to press the delete button even though I wasn’t sure how I was going to find “Mr. Right” now because raising 3 kids and working full time didn’t give me the time freedom to search for a mate in the conventional way. But I knew I was making the right decision.

As I sat there and thought about this for a few minutes I felt a peace come over me and I let go of my concerns. I decided to take my thoughts captive and focus my energy on celebrating Christmas with my friends and family. I went over to a friend’s house that night and he told me he was proud of me and that I had made the right choice. I thought it was funny coming from him because he was a serial internet dating guy who was constantly online looking for his “soul mate”. But I received his words of encouragement and left his house feeling comfortable with my decision. In the car on my way to a relative’s house I told God that I was going to trust Him to bring the man He had for me and that I wouldn’t keep trying to force it to happen.

Christmas day came and went and I was filled with a joy and peace I can’t even put into words. On the 27th my friend flew in to town and we went out to sing karaoke that night. I had no expectations for the night and was just anticipating a fun filled evening with friends. As we entered the restaurant my eyes caught sight of the most beautiful man I have ever seen and in fact he was the exact image of the man I had dreamt of when I was young. I grabbed my friend’s arm and told her he was the one. Of course she thought I was crazy but something inside of me knew that God had answered my prayer and this man was in fact the man I had been looking for my entire life.

I can’t go into the details of what happened next as it would take way too long to explain. I will write that blog at another time, as it is definitely worth reading, but for now I want you to know that I ended up marrying the man I met that night. He wasn’t my “soul mate”, he was my “God mate”! And believe me there is a difference which I will also explain in another blog.

For now what I want you to know is that God has already prepared a mate for you and if you truly want to find the one who He knows will complete you and be a compliment to your life, quit trying to force it to happen! As I have said in past blogs take this time being single to become intimate with God and His desires for you and spend time deciding what you really want out of life and in a mate. Believe me it is way more exciting when God brings them into your life supernaturally than anything you could ever create in your own power naturally!

This Christmas give yourself the gift of time! Don’t sell yourself short and don’t give yourself to people who truly do not deserve to be a part of your life! And if you find yourself being asked to lower your standards in order to get to the next level in a relationship, press delete and move on! People will treat you the way you teach them that you deserve to be treated. God has put a very high value on your life and it is time for you to accept it and to quit selling yourself on the clearance rack of life!

Home or Hell for the Holidays?

As a child I remember going back to our relative’s house in Ohio for the holidays a couple of times. For the most part it was enjoyable since I was just a child and more focused on playing in the snow and having fun with the cousins I didn’t get to see very often. I had no idea of the underlying tensions that existed with the “big people” in the house. They put up a great front but knowing what I know now I can imagine just how stressful it was for them to all be together under one roof.

My dad came from a home that was functional but without love. Acceptance was based on performance and if one boy got in trouble they all got punished. My dad said that his mother never told him she loved him at any time in his life. Even when my dad was dying of cancer my grandma could not muster the courage to say, “I love you” and it made me extremely mad. But in order for me to keep my composure and focus on spending time with my dad I had to remind myself of a truth I teach people every day, “hurting people, hurt people”.

This truth doesn’t change the pain caused by them but at least it keeps us from going crazy trying to figure out why they can’t show love. I am sharing this because the holidays are fast approaching and many of you are faced with the decision of whether or not you go home for the holidays or have family come to your house, or whether you forgo the family gatherings. Most people do not even know they have an assertive right to stay away from relationships that have been or are currently abusive. And if they haven’t received healing they will just try to “suck it up” and put on a happy face, somehow hoping this year will be different.

The unfortunate truth is that unless the people who wounded you received healing and unless you received healing the experience will not be any different this year. Whether the abuse is overt or underlying it will still be present on some level. This will cause unnecessary stress for you and you will walk away from yet another holiday asking the question, “why in the hell do I keep trying to make these relationships work? I am sick and tired of the way they treat me and my family! I’m not going next year under any circumstances!” And this is the very reason I entitled this blog “Home or Hell for the Holidays” because during the 12 months between the holidays many people forget what they said when they left the previous year.

I am here to give you permission to stay home this year and not feel guilty for doing it. Somehow people feel this intense need to make family relationships work but they have no idea why. It is important to understand that not all family relationships will turn around! You may be able to accept this truth logically, but most people don’t think logically when it comes to their own family. Their emotions are so wound up in past memories and experiences that it drives them to think with their emotions and not with logic. Then they try to convince themselves that this year will be different and they make their holiday plans.

If this person is you I want to help you reframe this so you can make the healthiest decision this year and for years to come, for yourself and your family. I want you to think of your family as a vehicle. Get a mental picture of the vehicle that best depicts your family. Does a Lamborghini or another luxury car come to mind or are you thinking of an old beat up jalopy sitting in a junk yard? Or is it something in between? If it is a luxury car that runs so smooth it almost feels like you are floating on air, you have a green light to go home for the holidays.

If your mental image was a jalopy in a junk yard, you have a red light and definitely need to make other holiday plans or you know you will be going to hell for the holidays. Now for the people whose image was somewhere in between you have to do a little more work on determining whether you participate or not. You have a yellow light which means you need to slow down and evaluate the situation carefully.

I have a friend whose family seems pretty functional but her dad is constantly sarcastic and likes telling “off color” jokes. She has always felt uncomfortable when he does this but she has never known how to address it. Her mom is always correcting her when she is trying to deal with her kids. Her mom just takes over and says things like, “Oh come in here with grandma. You can help me in the kitchen. Fran lighten up honey, it’s the holidays.” Neither of her parents actions are overtly abusive but they still trigger Fran and make her feel “less than” as an adult and a parent. She never addresses their behavior and because of her inability to confront them, she stuffs her emotions. The result of her passivity is that she oftentimes gets a migraine by the time she leaves their house. Later on she complains to her husband and takes her frustrations out on the kids when they get home. Fran is passive aggressive and unless she becomes assertive she will continue to put herself and her family in these stressful situations.

It is obvious that her parents are not going to change because most likely they don’t know they need to and so it is up to Fran to change or stay away. If she becomes assertive she may be able to approach them and work it out, but if she just continues to ignore the issues she will continue to suffer. Many of you may be in similar situations and not know what to do. Allow me to help you evaluate the situation so you can make the right decision. Answer the following questions honestly.

1. Do your family members make you feel uncomfortable in any way when you are with them?
2. Do you have past abuse or misuse issues that have never been addressed or that you have not healed from?
3. Do your family members make you feel “less than” as a person when they talk to you?
4. Do you find yourself drinking alcohol trying to “lighten” up your mood?
5. Do you have thoughts of other people you would rather be spending the day with?
6. Is there something else you wish you were doing during your vacation?
7. Do you get anxious, suffer migraines, and get stomach sickness, before or after the holidays?
8. Do they constantly put you down or merely "tolerate" you?

These are just some examples of things to consider because these are directly related to unhealthy family dynamics. If you identify with many or all of these your yellow light just turned red and you need to change your travel plans. You might say, “But Holly, what will they think? What will they say about me? They will be angry!”

I want to enlighten you with a truth you might not know. They are already thinking poorly of you or they wouldn’t treat you that way. They are already saying things about you, and to you, that are wounding you. And they are already angry, but not at you. They are angry at life and have never dealt with their own dysfunction and you going to their family gathering is not going to change that!

You have control over one person in this life and that person is you. You can’t change your family! They have to want to change themselves. It is not your job to make people happy! It is your job to make yourself healthy and if being healthy means staying away from unhealthy people you need to value yourself and your family enough to do it! Then you need to value yourself enough to get healing for your past wounds and learn to become assertive so you know how to erect boundaries that keep yourself and your family safe. And the greatest thing about doing these things is that if you make a decision later on to revisit the family holiday celebration you will know how to handle it without making yourself sick over it. The choice is up to you.

So this year decide for yourself and your family where you are going to spend the holidays based on the truth of your family dynamics and not based on guilt. Believe me the uncomfortable feelings of saying no will not outlast the joy you experience being in a home where you are not only celebrating a holiday but where you too, are being celebrated!

Dating Series - Part 6

I am sure that all of you have gone to watch a movie at a theatre. You determine the movie you want to watch, buy your tickets, popcorn, and drink, and make your way into the theatre. You are filled with anticipation because you have been waiting for this movie to be released! After the previews are over and the movie begins you sit back in your seat and prepare to watch the movie. What would happen if the movie that came on the screen was a completely different movie than the one you paid for? Would you just sit there and watch the movie or would you get up and tell the management to change it? Would you be satisfied or discontent? How long would you wait until you exited the theatre?

This may sound like a strange way to start a blog but trust me I have a point. When you begin dating someone both of you share portions of your life stories and you tell each other about the things you like to do or don’t like to do. In other words you give the other person a preview of your life. These are the stories and images you want them to grab hold of to entice them to stay in the relationship long enough to see the feature film. You portray your BEST self each other! Just like movie trailers you both will know within a short time if this is a movie (life) you want to see. If it is you are willing to wait for it to come out and if it isn’t you move on to the next dating relationship.

What you have to understand is that whatever is on the movie reel is what will be portrayed on the screen. And the same is true of your life. Everything that is inside of you, your beliefs, past hurts, thoughts, words, and actions, will eventually be portrayed on the movie screen of your life. Some of you have horror stories from past abuse that you have never gotten healed of. Some of you have false, negative, or limiting beliefs that you have never addressed. Some of you have thoughts of fear, worry, and anxiety you have never learned to overcome. All of these things are stored on the (movie reel) of your life and if you do not address them they will eventually be portrayed in your life to your partner.

This is why so many relationships fail because people buy into the preview and then once the feature film begins they say, “Wait a minute this is not what I wanted! This is completely the opposite of what I thought it was going to be!” “I’m out of here!” And another relationship ends and you find yourself single once again.

This is why it is so important to spend your time being single to address the issues of your life before you get into a relationship. If you do this your opportunity for a successful relationship is greater than the person who is unwilling to do it. Not only does it prepare you to be in a relationship but it teaches you how to be discerning when you begin to date someone. You will be able to see “glitches” in the movie reel during the preview session that will give you clues as to whether or not this is someone you want to date.

The responsibility of being discerning belongs to you. I hear story after story of people who say they were caught completely off guard after the wedding day because they had no idea the other person had certain issues. I understand that everything can’t be known prior to the wedding, but a lot can be if a person takes the time to invest in themselves and become healthy on this side of the wedding aisle. I believe too many people especially women are too eager to run down the aisle and say “I do” only to later say “What did I do?”

It doesn’t have to be this way!

As I have said in a previous blog being single is an incredible blessing! You have the opportunity to find out who you are, what you like, and how you want to spend your life. Then you get to determine who you want to spend it with. I have a woman I coach who has been putting my advice to practice in her life. She is dating a couple of men and what she has discovered is that the qualities from her negotiable and non-negotiable list are found in both men, but not all of them in one man. Now she is beginning to pray that God brings one man into her life who possesses most or all of those qualities. She is no longer anxious hoping one of them will change and become her everything. Instead she has discovered that men possess those qualities and it is just a matter of time before she finds the right one.

Before I began coaching her she would have pursued one of those men passionately because she would have thought a little is better than nothing at all,that her clock was ticking, and time was running out. If she had succeeded at capturing one of them she would have ended up disappointed later on when she discovered that they could not or would not meet her other needs.

Instead she has learned that there is no clock, she has all the time in the world, and that a little eventually leads to not enough later on. She is taking her time being single to heal from past wounds, change her inner beliefs, and to become a strong person, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. She continues to do these things and she is at peace and enjoying her dating life. She is willing to take the time to make sure the “feature film” reflects the truth of what she portrayed in the preview. She is no longer anxious and worried! She is discovering God’s incredible love for her and His plan for relationship success and she is willing to wait for it!

The question is are you?

Dating Series - Part 5

In the last blog I made this statement, “The first and foremost important quality to look for in a mate is someone who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful! If they aren’t willing then they aren’t worth your time!” I have had several emails and calls in regards to this comment so I am going to explain this before I move to the next topic.

When I speak of doing the hard work I am not talking about a person who works to try to please you or make you happy. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. True happiness is something that comes from within as you gain an understanding of who you are in Christ and the purpose God has for your life. I could change the word happiness to peace and contentment or joy and abundance. True happiness can only be experienced when Christ is the center focal point of your life. All other feelings of happiness wane over time based on circumstance and relationship.

When I speak of a person who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful, I am talking about a person who has a Christ centered self esteem and approach to life. They live life on purpose allowing the Holy Spirit to flow through them. The result of a person who lives this way is what Galatians 5:22-26 states. It reads, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.”

Two people focused on building a relationship based on Christ living in them and the Holy Spirit flowing through them are a couple who have the best chance of having a successful relationship! Their eyes are fixed on Christ and they see their mate from a Christ centered point of view. They understand the importance of communication and are willing to make the investment of time that it takes to build a solid foundation for the relationship.

The decision to look for a relationship that completes you and has the qualities of success is entirely up to you. I had a person tell me the other day that it was too much work to do the things I am sharing. I know this person’s relationship history and it is dismal. The hours spent crying over failed relationships, hurtful words spoken to them, and counseling are too many to count! I told them to total up the hours and compare it to the hours it will take each day to implement change and see what the result would be.

Later that afternoon they called me back. They told me they did what I said and they were overwhelmed when they began to look at their past relationships in truth. The number of hours they had spent consumed by bad relationships were too many to count. Then they said they were willing to try something different. Remember in the last blog I told you the definition of insanity is to keep doing things the same as you have always done and expecting to see different results. I know this process takes time and effort but I can guarantee the results far out way the investment and you are worth it!

Now that you are beginning to understand the importance of using your time being single effectively as a time of healing, self growth, discovery, and character building, you are ready to go to the next level of learning. Now I will address what I promised in the last blog. I am going to address this truth first:

God has a purpose for your life and your relationship!

Psalm 139: 1- 18 says:
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

When you operate your life daily from an understanding of this passage you will be empowered during the time it takes to find the mate who completes you. You will not become anxious or worried when Mr./Miss Right doesn’t show up on your doorstep wrapped in a big red bow overnight! You will be patient and spend the time it takes to become healthy. You will also begin to believe that God has fashioned and formed a mate who completes you. I have three children who still live at home. They are 7, 8, and 14. From the time they began saying prayers I taught them the importance of praying for their God fashioned mate daily.

At first they thought it was silly but over time they grew to understand the importance. I explained that their future spouse was growing up right now just like they are and it was important to pray for God’s purpose and protection for them. After our talks they captured the vision of what I was saying. This is the same thing I want you to understand. It is one thing to spend time searching for your mate and it is entirely different to spend time praying for them and allowing God to fill you with His truth and purpose for your life.

As you align yourself with the truth from God’s Word and you pray for your mate God will work in you to bring the healing you need for past wounds. He will begin to give you wisdom and understanding about relationships and He will bring you peace as you wait on Him. You will begin to identify the traits you are looking for in a mate. Remember that as you write your non-negotiable and negotiable lists you will begin to see what desires God has placed in your heart and you will begin to have the strength to wait on Him to grant them.

God is faithful and He has an incredible plan for your life and for your relationship! I know how frustrating it can be during this time but it is important to remember that God’s timing is not usually our timing. His timing is always perfect and when you understand this you will become more patient on this journey of looking for your mate.

Dating Series - Part Four - The Negotiable List

Making the negotiable list is similar to making the non-negotiable list except these are not things that are deal breakers if your mate does not hold the same ideals as you do. For instance if enjoy social gatherings but your mate doesn’t like crowds this could potentially pose a problem if it is not discussed during the courtship and discovery stage of dating. Another example would be if your mate’s idea of a vacation is camping, fishing, and hiking, and your idea is going to New York City to shop, attend Musicals, and eat at fine restaurants.

The greatest benefit of being single is you get to write your own story and you get to shop for a mate who adds adventure, mystery, fun, and joy, etc. to your life. As I said in an earlier blog there are thousands of people searching for a mate in your area. Yet so many people end up settling after dating only a few people because they don’t think Mr./Miss Right is out there. Then after a few months or years they are frustrated and angry. They feel like they have lost their identity and they have given up so many of their own interests because their mate didn’t value them. They feel lost!

This doesn’t have to be the case! But in order to avoid it you will have to learn how to communicate your wants and desires in a healthy way. You will also need to learn how to become a negotiator and an effective assertive communicator. I teach a class on how to become these in depth but for this blog I am going to highlight some of the key points. I believe the lack of, or inability to communicate is the number one cause of all relationship break down. I also believe if people would spend more time in the beginning of the relationship learning how to communicate, fewer relationships would end in ruin.

There are hundreds of books written about relationships but the majority of them deal with how to please your mate, how to meet your mate’s needs, and how to get what you want in a relationship. But few of them address communication skills in depth. I talk to people all the time that read these kinds of books, apply the techniques, and still end up breaking up with their mate because the techniques didn’t work. There is a very popular Christian book on the shelves right now that tells people dozens of ways to make their relationship better by doing little things like making a surprise dinner or sending them flowers when it’s not a holiday, etc. These are great things but if your mate doesn’t value those things you will be frustrated because your gesture may not be received the way you were hoping it would.

If you want a healthy relationship you will need to become healthy and a part of being healthy is becoming an effective assertive communicator who knows how to negotiate. It is the only way you will have a healthy self-esteem, be strong in your identity as a person, and know how to get your needs met in a healthy way. If you don’t I can guarantee that you will end up frustrated, angry, and lonely in your relationship.

Below are two lists. The first one lists the benefits of being an effective assertive communicator and the second lists the 12 traits of an effective assertive communicator. As you read them ask yourself if these statements are true about you. If not you need to spend time becoming one before you enter into a relationship. Trust me the benefits far out way the time investment it takes to become one.

Benefits of being an Effective Assertive Communicator:

· It gives you confidence to communicate in every situation without fear or anxiety.
· It allows you to address issues in relationships as they arise; in a healthy manner.
· Makes it easier to problem solve and create win-win situations in relationships.
· Provides you with the power to control emotional outbursts during conflict situations.
· Reduces stress levels & promotes better health.
· Provides you the strength to communicate your needs.
· Gives you the confidence to build healthy boundaries and the strength to stay within them.
· Empowers you to achieve more in life, because you have a strong inner belief system.
· Enhances your self confidence.

12 Traits of an Effective Assertive Communicator:

1. You own your life and make decisions for yourself.
2. You communicate in a direct manner and know how to ask for what you want without feeling guilty.
3. You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.
4. You believe in yourself and don’t settle in life.
5. You are confident and know your value as a woman/man.
6. You know how to negotiate in order to create win-win outcomes.
7. You are goal oriented and you pursue your goals daily.
8. You feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
9. You make others feel valued and respected.
10. People know where you stand and they respect your boundaries.
11. You know your rights and protect them.
12. You are a positive influence in your world and others value your opinion.

If both partners are effective assertive communicators you will know how to negotiate and you will know how to create win-win outcomes that benefit both people. Otherwise you will end up frustrated and angry when you don’t share the same views on how you will spend your time, where you will live, and the family dynamics that will exist once you are married.

For example:

I have a friend who was frustrated for years because her husband appeared selfish and self centered. He loved to spend time with his friends fishing, hunting, and camping. When she was dating him these things didn’t bother her. She didn’t like these activities so she encouraged him to do them without her. Once they were married though, all of the sudden his activities annoyed her and she became increasingly depressed and angry whenever he did one of these activities without her.

When I asked her why she was angry this is what she said. “I don’t understand why he has to do those things? Why doesn’t he do more things that I enjoy? He knows I hate those activities but that doesn’t seem to matter to him. He is so selfish! When I try to talk to him he doesn’t listen. He is so immature! I don’t think he will ever grow up. I think we need to get divorced because there is no way I am ever going to like those things so there is no use in trying to make it work!”

These are the kinds of responses I get from men and women all the time. This is exactly why it is important to have a negotiable list and why it is important to communicate about them before you ever walk down the aisle. Men and women are different and you will never change that! They think differently, speak differently, and act differently. There is scientific proof that backs this up. This doesn’t mean they can’t have healthy, happy, and productive lives together but it will take time and effort on both of your parts to make that happen.

If a person wants to become an attorney they are willing to attend several years of college, spend countless hours studying, and they are willing to be mentored and trained by professionals in order to fulfill that desire. They obviously understand that their efforts will produce a desired result so they are willing to put in the hard work in the beginning to make it happen! Yet when it comes to relationships people don’t view it in the same way.

They think they are wise enough to do it on their own without much, if any, training or mentoring. This is ludicrous! Learning how to be healthy and how to have healthy relationships should be the most important priority next to your relationship with God. Becoming a healthy person benefits every relationship in your life! It teaches you how to communicate and how be in relationships with all people!

Someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you want different results you have to start doing things differently! The first and foremost important quality to look for in a mate is someone who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful! If they aren’t willing then they aren’t worth your time! As I said in a previous blog; your life has value and God has a desire to give you abundance in your life! You are not here by chance!

In the next blog I will go into this in more detail so that you have an understanding that will empower you to make the changes necessary to find a relationship that completes you. For now I want you to begin to write down the things you enjoy doing, your idea of vacations, your desire for where you want to live, your idea of family time, etc.

I also want you to spend more time reframing your idea of being single. Being single is an incredible gift as I said in a previous blog and if you can begin to understand this you will not feel lonely, sad, or desperate. You will value the gift of time that you have been given and you will cherish this gift as one of your most valuable possessions!

Dating Series - Part Three: How To Discover Non-Negotiable Core Values

In making your non-negotiable list you need to determine what is important to you that you know if you compromise, you will end up frustrated and unhappy in a relationship. The non-negotiable list is comprised of your core values, those things that are most important to you! Everyone has dreams, desires, and visions for their future but most people do not know how to achieve those because they have never tied them to their core values.

For example: I hear people say they want a mate who values family time and enjoys activities where the family can experience new things together. Almost every one of them has an imagined picture in their mind of what this looks like but they have no idea why they want it or how to find that quality in a mate. When I help them drill down to the core reason they want this one of two things usually is discovered: Either they never experienced that growing up and deeply desire it or they did experience it and want to recreate it for their children. Both are good reasons for wanting that in a relationship but neither is reason enough for them to stick to that desire when they are searching for a mate. At this point it is only a desire not a non-negotiable core value.

Let me explain further:

Example One: Never experienced it growing up and have a deep desire for it.

Having a desire based out of lack from past experience drives a person to fill the voids of their past. In order for this to become a non-negotiable core value the person needs to heal from their past loss first. If they don’t the desire is not really their driving force for their current expectation. It is merely a longing to fill a void that has caused them pain in the past. What you need to realize is that the imagined expectation if this is the case will always be greater than the reality of your mate’s ability to meet it. You will never find contentment if this is the reason you are looking for this quality in a mate.

If you discover you have unresolved wounds from the past you get to decide what path of healing you will take to overcome them. You may find the answers in a book, through prayer and counsel, through online helps, in a counselor’s office, with the aid of a life coach, etc.. The method you choose has to meet your personality and need and for each person the path is different. What is the same for all people is how you view those tools and techniques of healing. God has given many people incredible gifts of helping people navigate through life’s challenges. Those gifts were never meant to become a crutch that inhibits you from becoming whole and healthy and able to walk in healing.

I see so many people become focused on their past that they never move into their future because they continually live their present in memories of past pain. This is the wrong approach for getting help. If you want to become a healthy person use the tools necessary to get you to a place of wholeness and move on. Don’t turn a cul-de-sac into a dead end! Sometimes we need to veer off life’s path and get help but only for a season, never for an extended stay. So be very careful when you choose your path of healing. It is also important to remember that being single is a great time to get healing because you are afforded the time to do it. Again this something you need to re-frame in your mind when you think of being single. Being single gives you the gift of time for you to become the authentic you! Don’t ever forget that!

After you have healed from your past pain you can then begin to examine if this is really a core value or not. Some people find that after they heal from their pain certain values are no longer on their top ten list. It surprises them every time this happens because before getting healed they would have argued these were core values and extremely important qualities to have in a mate. Our minds have an incredible ability to deceive us if we have not healed from our past. Most people only survive their past, they don’t heal and there is a huge difference!

If a quality is still very important after the process of healing has taken place it is very likely that the quality is a non-negotiable core value. The next thing to do if this is the case is to quantify your expectations. If you find a mate who does share this value then it is important to talk about what that looks like. In this case it would be to determine what kind of family activities you both have in mind and make sure you are likeminded. If your idea of family activity is going to an amusement park and his/hers is going camping, there could be a problem. The good news is that both activities would fall into the negotiable category and would just require you to discuss the topic further. This is not a big deal because the big deal is the core value of spending family time together doing activities and exploring new places. I hope this is making sense. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions about this.

Example Two: You did experience it as a child and you want to re-create it for your children.

Having a desire based out of a good memory of a past experience can lead to disillusionment as well if it is the only reason you want this quality in a mate and here’s why. Your mind files memories just like computers file information. When you remember an event that was tied to an emotion that event becomes real again in your mind when you experience similar circumstances. For example have you ever been somewhere and you smell something that reminds you of your childhood? This happens to me all the time when I go to the fair. I smell the food and instantly I am transported back in time in my memory to the days my family spent going to the fair. These were good memories and it is an exhilarating feeling when I have one of them.

When I created my non-negotiable list family time was one of my core values. I wanted a spouse who loved family time and wanted to discover new places together. We both determined that we held the same value so I was able to put a check mark next to this value on the list. When we talked about our negotiable list and the kinds of activities we wanted to do as a family the fair was at the top of my list because I did have great childhood memories of it.

My husband likes to go to the fair but I had to remember that I would never be able to recreate the memories I had growing up with my family. It is a different place and time and our family dynamics are different. So in order to avoid disappointment I would need to approach the event with a new mindset and not a mindset of comparison if I wanted it to be a fun activity for the family.

If I didn’t do that I would have been frustrated every time we went to the fair because I would be subconsciously comparing our current activity to the former activity from my childhood. I was able to reframe it because I had done the hard work before we got married. Now when we go to the fair I am able to be in the moment and create our own memories for our children.

Another benefit of having compatible core values is being able to face life's challenges without losing hope if life throws you a curve ball. When a core value is shared and something unexpected happens you are able to reframe it and stay focused on the positive instead of being derailed by the negative event.

For example:

Three months after we were married my husband got hurt on the job and went through 7 surgeries on his arm over the course of a year and a half. This event changed our family dynamic and it limited our ability to do family activities. Though disheartening the inability to do regular family activities did not cause division in our marriage because we knew that it wasn’t a matter of not valuing family time, it was a matter of not being able to physically do it.

This realization created a peaceful environment and patience in all of us and we went into a time of envisioning what our family would do together once we were through the trial. It was difficult at times but what we learned to do was to reframe our situation instead of allowing the situation to reframe us. This is a key reason for being likeminded with your mate.

I hope you are beginning to see the difference in a core value and a wishful desire based out of a good past memory. A core value creates a win-win scenario in life when you understand it and protect it whereas a wishful desire only creates an atmosphere of wishing that is not built on a solid foundation of truth.

In order to discover your non-negotiable core values begin to write them down and then begin the process of drilling down to the truths that surround them. After you have done these two things share this list with a person who is wise and can question you about it. This will help you solidify them and identify areas you may need to address.

In the next blog I will talk about the negotiable list.

Dating Series - Part 2 - The Non-Negotiable List

After reading my last blog you may be wondering what the importance is of having these two lists. In this blog I am going to explain the Non-Negotiable list because it is the most important of the two. When you are dating you will have many options when it comes to people you can date, but after creating this list you will soon realize that having many options does not mean you have many choices. Let me explain.

Thousands of people are searching for a mate within a few mile radius of your house. Whether you are looking for a conventional way to meet people, such as church, school, club, etc. or whether you are searching online for Mr/Miss Right you will be looking for someone you can connect with in person. There are some people that have long distant online relationships but those people are the exception, not the rule. So knowing there are thousands of people out there searching, you have a multitude of options when you are partner shopping. The non-negotiable list turns options into choices! I know it can be lonely at times when you are single but always remember this: it is better to be single, healthy, content, and at peace, than to be in a relationship that is tumultuous and painful.

A non-negotiable list will help you eliminate those people who are not worthy of further attention and effort. For example if you have a non-negotiable that says, “They have to be willing to study about things that make a relationship healthy” and you meet someone who doesn’t value self improvement information, you can immediately cross them off your list. If having a partner who values learning and growth is extremely important to you, why would you continue to try and make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t share that same value?

Too often people get caught up in the “butterfly” stage of a relationship in the beginning and they base their values on emotion driven hormones and not on intelligent reasoning. Don’t get me wrong, being attracted to a person is extremely important but that alone does not make for a stable and long lasting relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship both parties need to be healthy or at least be willing to become healthy during the courtship stage and throughout the marriage.

When I tell people that it is important to learn a person’s values in the beginning of the relationship most of them tell me that it is too hard to ask these questions because they feel awkward and they are afraid that it will turn the other person off. I just shake my head when they say this because these same people are willing to physically connect with the person, give them access to their house; they allow them to drive their car, hang out with their family and kids, etc. without knowing any real history about the person.

In essence they are willing to sell themselves on the clearance rack of life because they have never placed value on themselves, their family, or their sexuality. These people are desperate for attention, affection, and acceptance, but they don’t realize that the very things they desire the most will never be reciprocated over time unless they learn how to place high value on them in the beginning. A mate worthy of your time and effort is a mate that places value on your life and your relationship. It is not someone who makes demands, withholds communication, and avoids personal growth.

A wise person knows their worth and value and they expect people to treat them with respect. They do not fear rejection or worry about making someone uncomfortable with asking the important questions. They place high value on the other person as well and they know that it is just as unfair to waste their potential partner’s time if they know the relationship is not going anywhere. A wise person takes responsibility for their life and they have healthy boundaries.

Here is how the list works in action. On the first night I met my husband something inside of me told me he was the one, but I didn’t know for sure because a relationship takes two and if he didn’t share my values I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him. I knew that my life had great value and I knew that I was a person worthy of love, respect, kindness, etc. and I wasn’t interested in any person who didn’t place high value on me.

Being a “Christ-centered individual” was on my non-negotiable list. When I found out he was a Christian I began asking him questions because that title has various meanings. I needed to know what he believed and how he viewed his relationship with God. I knew what I was looking for in a mate and I knew his answers to my questions would give me insight to his values.

At first he thought I was overly curious but I didn’t care because I knew what I was looking for. We talked for several hours that night and the next day. On our second night together we had a great time but I made sure I made time to ask more questions and as we talked he began to ask me questions. On our third night together I realized that I really liked him so I knew that I had to go to another important non-negotiable.

I suffered trauma in past relationships due to different things that hurt me and after those relationships I learned to put boundaries in place so I would not choose another man with those same issues. On my non-negotiable list were questions that pertained to some of those things. If I knew what things were out of bounds for me in past relationships then I had a responsibility in this relationship to make sure this guy didn’t view those things as reasonable and acceptable.

I then asked him to share everything with me that he would typically wait to share with someone until further in the relationship. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights! At first he didn’t know what to say. Believe me there was a moment of silence and it was very uncomfortable for both of us. But in my mind I wanted to know everything because I had three children to think about. If this was not a guy who I would one day want involved in their lives then it wasn’t worth wasting both of our time trying to make a relationship work between us. If you do not have children but want them in the future you need to have this same mindset too. The person you choose will have an influence on your children so knowing their values is very important!

When he was finished sharing I shared. Then we looked at each other and at that moment we had a choice to make. Were the things we heard acceptable or were they deal breakers? We had to decide if the things we valued were also important to the other person. For the things that didn’t quite align with our values we had to ask the other person if they were willing to discuss them further later on. We had to determine if we were likeminded and if the pursuit of a relationship was worth our time and effort. We both had to make a decision.

If one of us would have walked away from that night never to call the other person again then it would have been a blessing in disguise because we would have ended up hurting each other later on anyway! Fortunately for both of us this wasn’t the case! We knew at that moment that God had a purpose for our relationship and we wanted to continue pursuing a dating relationship. We then entered the discovery stage of relationship which I will address in another blog.

What I really want you to understand in this blog is that life is too short to waste your time investing in a relationship that will drain your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical banks and leave you feeling empty! Your life has value and God has a purpose for it! He wants to grant you the desire of your heart and He wants to give you abundance in a relationship! He doesn’t want you to settle and to give your heart, mind, soul, and body to a person who is going to hurt you or doesn’t value your convictions. It is important for you to begin to reframe dating if you want to find the mate who completes you!

If you are really seeking a mate for life it is time for you to get healthy, discover your values, and set boundaries in place that will keep your heart, mind, and emotions safe! If you don’t do this no one else will and I can guarantee that you will end up wounded and disappointed every time. You might be thinking this is too much to think about in the beginning of the relationship but I want you to know that if it isn’t something that you think about and apply, you will struggle every time your partner does or says something that contradicts your core values.

So you may be asking yourself how do I know what my non-negotiable values are and how do I set boundaries when I do make this list so I don’t sell myself short in a relationship? In the next blog I will define core values and help you begin to understand yours.

Dating Series - Part One - Are You Ready to Find Your Mate?

I remember the days when I wasn’t dating anyone and I didn’t think I would ever find the right person. During those times I would pray and ask God to bring the right man into my life who would complete me and who wanted to share his life with me. One day when I was praying a voice spoke to me. I believe it was the voice of the Holy Spirit. It said, “If the right man came into your life right now you would not be ready to receive him. Take a look at your life and become healthy so that you will be ready when he comes.” Instantly I was reminded of the movie “The Field of Dreams” and how Kevin Costner built a baseball field after hearing a voice in the corn field saying, “If you build it he will come.”

Last night I watched the movie again and it inspired me to write this blog. Most people who are single are eager to be in a relationship. They have dreams and desires for their future and they want someone to share them with. A day comes when they decide it is time to go looking for their mate. If you remember in the movie Ray built the baseball diamond before he went looking for the people who would complete the vision. Essentially what he did was lay the foundation and believed that one day the vision would be completed and in the end it was.

So you might be asking yourself what this has to do with dating. Well the truth is that unless you have a solid foundation of self-worth, purpose, beliefs, and character, within you your foundation is faulty and if you build a relationship it will fall apart! If you want the vision completed and you want a solid relationship you have to build a solid foundation within yourself first!

It is time to date yourself! I know that may sound strange but it is the only way to prepare yourself for the mate that will complete you. Couples tell me all the time that they are frustrated that their mate won’t go to counseling or they won’t attend a small group, or they refuse to share their pain in order to release it and move forward. The list goes on and on. These things usually come after a few years when the person realizes there are huge problems and strain in the relationship. It usually comes as an act of desperation to save a relationship!

So I want to challenge you today to make a list of criteria for what you desire in a mate. I call this the non-negotiable and negotiable list. Write down your top ten things that you are not willing to negotiate on in a relationship or marriage. Then write down the top ten things that are important but that you are willing to negotiate if your partner does not hold the same value or importance for that item. Below is an example.

Non- Negotiable List

1. Must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and have a desire to live a Christ-centered life.
2. Has dealt with past wounds and issues that could potentially lead to future problems.
3. Has addressed their bent towards addictions and understands the importance of being open and honest in areas where they struggle.
4. Is a purpose driven person who has a vision for our future. Wants to incorporate his/her family in that purpose and vision.
5. Knows and accepts the love of God because I understand that someone can’t give something of themselves that they don’t own for themselves.
6. Has a solid self-esteem and doesn’t need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better.
7. Is an effective assertive communicator and creates win-win outcomes when faced with conflict or trials.
8. Understands the importance of respecting people’s boundaries and they have healthy boundaries in place in their life.
9. Respects my body and if they marry me the will have the desire to be intimate and to share sexual topics with me. They enjoy sex and have dealt with past sexual issues because I understand if they don’t, it will lead to problems in our marriage. I understand that what is not released and healed is repeated and painful.
10. Has a desire to be a mom/dad and is willing to study healthy parenting skills because kids are important to me and I understand the impact that my spouse will have on our children.

Negotiable List

1. Enjoys the theatre and likes to go to concerts or live entertainment.
2. Likes to travel
3. Is willing to stay in this city
4. Likes the foods I like
5. Enjoys social gatherings
6. Likes to hike and camp
7. Likes sports and racing
8. Is playful and likes surprises
9. Likes to volunteer
10. Is a neat person and doesn’t like messes

These two lists can be a blue print for you to begin making your lists. In the non-negotiable list are examples that should be deal breakers for you. These are Core values that you know will at some point cause major turmoil and problems if your mate does not hold the same values. These are also things that you need to address in your own life so that you know how to identify these traits in a mate. If you haven’t worked these things out for yourself you have no right whining later if they become issues. Being single is your time to build a solid foundation within yourself as I said earlier.

The divorce rate continues to rise and more and more people are frustrated, defeated, and lonely in their marriages. I believe this is true because too many people married for the wrong reasons and because they didn’t do the hard work before they got married, they are suffering the consequences for their choices.

In this series I want to help you re-frame being single so you have a better chance of staying married once you are. Being single is a gift and God has a purpose for it!

Keep this verse in mind as you follow this blog. “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” Proverbs 3:5 & 6. Amplified Version

No God, No Understanding of Boundaries! Know God, Know Understanding of Boundaries! (Part Two)

In the last blog I left you with John 15:3-5 which says, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”

In order for us to understand boundaries and the importance of staying within them, we have to understand this verse. When I think about a vine and its branches I think about the importance of the branch being connected to the vine in order for it to grow. If you cut the branch off it is impossible for it to continue growing. This understanding enabled me to redefine boundaries and to embrace them as a life giving nutrient that will cause me to grow and to live an abundant, fruit filled life, in all of my relationships!

Here is something I want you to understand before we go any further. When God formed you in your mother’s womb, He loved every part of you. He loved the good, the bad, and the ugly! He chose to love you knowing that you would walk in sin, hurt yourself and others, and knowing you would cross His boundaries of protection. His knowing these things did not cause him falter in His love for you. In fact, his knowledge of these things caused Him to pursue you even more. Your inability to live in relationship with God and man on your own was the reason He sent Christ to die on the Cross for you. It is also the reason He set boundaries of protection in place along the road of your life.

When I used to travel across country I traveled many windy mountain roads. Along those roads were guard rails. Those guard rails were placed there so that I would not go over the edge of the mountain. There were also speed limit signs along the road that told me the safe speed to travel for that section of road. Not one time when I traveled those roads did I question the validity of those guard rails or road signs. I accepted the reality that the road engineers did their homework. They calculated the safe guards that needed to be in place, to ensure my safety when I traveled those roads. Staying within those boundaries never seemed to be an issue for me.
When I started to investigate God’s boundaries I brought these experiences to mind because they gave me a new way of seeing God’s boundaries of protection for my life. I began to understand Proverbs 3:5,6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” I also began to understand Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

I began to see God as the engineer of the roads in my life. I began to reframe my past and asked God to show me the truth about the importance of staying within His boundaries. I asked Him to help me trust in Him the same way I trusted the men who created the guard rails and speed limit signs. This is when my vision of God’s boundaries became clear. This is when I started to realize that living by the principles of God’s Word instead of trying to keep the Law of His Word was my responsibility. If I allowed Christ to be the Lord of my life, then I would be able to stay within God’s boundaries. And if I crossed a boundary for whatever reason, God had a rescue team in place with a perfect plan of rescue for me! The rescue team consists of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, and the body of Christ. The rescue plan consists of God’s grace, mercy, truth, and deliverance. This understanding was liberating! It freed me from all of the shame and condemnation. Whenever I crossed a boundary it allowed me to see the opportunity to overcome and be victorious no matter what I did wrong.

In my relationships with people I began to see the importance of having boundaries. I made a list of the toxic and healthy people in my life. From those lists I began to weed out the people who were on the toxic side and I started cultivating the relationships with the healthy people. I began to look for people who would enhance my life by speaking truth, encouraging me, and loving me the way God loved me, warts and all. Today I am surrounded by people who I am grateful to have in my life.

In the area of choices I began to see toxic and healthy choices. I made a list of those as well. Instead of seeing the boundaries of God as inhibiting me from fun, I began to see them as protecting me from possible disaster. This is when I stopped drinking alcohol to get drunk. I have to admit that I used to love getting drunk! I loved the feeling and my mood when I was drunk. I did think that getting drunk displeased God and I somehow thought that He would punish me if I did it, but again, I had a skewed view of God and I didn’t understand why I shouldn’t drink for the purpose of getting drunk.

After reframing God’s boundaries in my mind, I realized that God wasn’t sitting on His throne watching me get drunk and setting up a team of disciplinarians to come down and punish me for my sin. I realized that my view of God was completely different than the truth about Him. I reframed the scenario in my mind first about the event of getting drunk and how God viewed me when I did. Here is how I did that.

I began to envision God sitting on His throne having a meeting with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They were brain storming on a plan of redemption for my sinful behavior. (For those of you who have a problem with me separating the Godhead for this, don’t let your mind go there. None of us will really know the truth about it until we get to Heaven so there is no need arguing over it on earth. Whatever you believe, believe it wholeheartedly, and walk in the power of your belief.) This is how I viewed it and that view delivered me from a dark lifestyle and produced the lasting fruit of the Holy Spirit operating in my life!

This is the picture I got of God. I saw Him having that meeting and I could almost hear Him saying something like this, “Okay, my precious and beautiful daughter Holly has crossed a boundary and this may cause her great harm. I need you to be in place at the exact moment when she will be in a quiet place so I can talk to her through you. When she gets there and is ready to listen I want you to tell her how much I love her and tell her that I have forgiven her through your blood at Calvary. Remind her that nothing she can do can separate her from my love. Tell her that my grace has been set in place for her and that when she wakes up in the morning my mercies will be new for her. Then I want you to bring a person or event in her life that will remind her of her worth and value to me. I want my people to go to her and help her get restored and healed from her false beliefs about me. Put angels of protection around her so the enemy can’t hit her with his fiery darts of shame and condemnation about her behavior. Alright its time! Go!”

I know that may seem like an odd thought to some of you but I believe that God communicates to us in this way because the Word says the Holy Spirit convicts the believer of their righteousness. God is constantly reminding us of our righteousness through Christ Jesus. I just believe we choose to listen to the enemy’s voice more than we listen to God’s and that is why it is so hard for many people to walk inside of the boundaries of God.

Here’s what God knew to be true about me getting drunk. God foreknew that getting drunk caused me to act in ways that would hurt me or others. He knew that it could cause me to die or cause me to drive drunk and kill another person. He knew alcohol caused me to gain weight and gave me bad headaches the day after I drank. He knew that when I got drunk I tended to put myself in risky situations that oftentimes I felt powerless to get out of. In His knowing, He loved me and pursued me anyway! He knew that one day my reality would catch up with His truth and I would gain wisdom and understanding about His boundaries in the area of drinking because He knew my heart. He never looked at the outside of my life. He only looked within. So He knew it was just a matter of time before I had a desire to live within His boundaries. He was right! When the day came when I gave my life completely over to Him in all areas, the desire to get drunk went away.

God knows every boundary that needs to be in place to ensure that we get to the destination of the desires of our hearts. Begin today and ask God to help you reframe his boundaries in your mind. He is faithful and He promises that when you seek Him you will find Him, when you seek Him with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13. Seek wisdom and understanding and you will begin to see understand God’s boundaries!

No God, No Understanding of Boundaries! Know God, Know Understanding of Boundaries! Part One

As a child I didn't like boundaries. Boundaries to me were limits put on me to keep me from fun, excitement, discovery, and freedom. I thought that my parents, teachers, church, and adults in my life, were holding something from me. I somehow thought they knew something that I didn't and in their cruelty they wanted to keep me from it. For years I fought whenever a boundary was put into place. If a line was drawn, I crossed it! If a door was shut, I opened it. If I was told no, I fought until the answer was yes.

When I got my way I discovered that the thrill of victory was not so sweet. In fact, many times I discovered that the knowledge I gained from crossing over the boundary was a bitter reality that left me feeling lack more than feeling fulfilled! Being young and naive I didn't have the reasoning skills to understand what was taking place, and so I continued to cross every boundary in my life. As an adult I have looked back on my life and figured out where some of my rebellion came from and why I had false beliefs when it came to boundaries.

I was raised in a religion that had strict boundaries and many laws of Holiness that people had to follow in order to be in right standing with God. The sad thing was that I observed many of these people’s lives and found them to be as unhappy, if not more unhappy, than the so called heathens they spoke of. I couldn’t understand how people living outside of God’s boundaries and breaking the religious codes of conduct could be apparently more content, than those who stayed within the boundaries. So to say that I had a lot of confusion when it came to boundaries is an understatement! If God wanted me to live inside of the boundaries of His Word then why were His people so miserable living within them? And if living outside of them was so bad, then why were so many “heathens” apparently happy and prosperous in their unhealthy lifestyles?

Well, instead of seeking wisdom and understanding about this, I decided to keep breaking through the boundaries and here’s why. Even though I loved the people I went to church with, the so called heathens seemed to be more accepting of me than the Christians at the time. When I screwed up in life I was judged for my actions by the church and persecuted for opposing God. But when I screwed up in the world, the so called “heathens” still accepted me and loved me no matter what. They didn’t judge me, even if they didn’t like what I had done. In fact many times they embraced me.

So the confusion of living within boundaries became even more perplexing as time went on. I found myself becoming increasingly angry but didn’t know why. I started to turn my anger towards God as I saw Him as the unrealistic boundary setter and the cause of my pain whenever I got hurt from crossing one. Then at 15 I was so frustrated that I said, “God, if you are anything like your people, I want nothing to do with you.” I had a skewed view of God that left me feeling lonely and in a mental state of hopelessness.

For the next several years I lived outside of the boundaries in every area of my life. I alienated people who lived within them and turned my back on God and his people. When I came to the end of myself and finally had a “Come to Jesus” moment one day, my life changed completely. I had a wrestling match with God and I told Him of my disappointment and frustration. When I was done I felt a peace come over me that I can’t explain. Somehow I knew that my relationship with God would never be the same.

Over the next several years I began to discover the truth about God, not from man, but from opening the Word and studying. I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to make sense of my confusion. He was faithful and answered my prayers. In the area of boundaries, here is what I discovered in my study time that changed my life.

God has set boundaries in place to protect us not to punish us or keep us from fun and excitement. And when we cross a boundary God doesn’t look down at us and frown. He doesn’t condemn us and separate himself from us either. If we have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ God sees us through the blood of Christ, Holy and blameless in His sight no matter what we do. If He saw us any other way He would be a liar because He says that through Christ we have we have been made righteous. Being made righteous means we have right standing with God no matter what.

So if God doesn’t sit and judge us for crossing boundaries what’s wrong with crossing them? The answer can be found in 1 Corinthians 6:12 where Paul writes, “All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” Christ was the only man who could keep the Laws of God and when He died on the Cross He fulfilled the Law. At that moment our relationship with God was no longer dependent on us keeping the Laws of God. Our relationship with God became dependent on us accepting Christ as our Savior and allowing Him to live through us.

A whole new covenant relationship was birthed that day between God and His people. This changed everything! Paul understood this and if you read his writings you will discover the depth of his understanding for yourself. One definition of expedient is: useful, or effecting a desired result. Only God knows the desires of our hearts so He knows what will lead us to them or away from them. With this knowledge He sets boundaries in place to keep us from walking off the path that leads to those desires. If we stay within the boundaries we will end up at our desired destination but if we don’t, we will destroy the path or destroy ourselves along the way.

As a parent sets a boundary out of love for their child, so God sets boundaries for us out of love. If you can begin to view boundaries in this way you will find yourself wanting to stay within them instead of wanting to cross them. You will begin to see living within the boundaries of God as a blessing instead of a curse. You will find yourself embracing the them instead of trying to fight your way out of them. And the only way to live within the boundaries of God is through your relationship with Jesus Christ. You cannot do it on your own and if you try, you will find yourself angry and frustrated just like I did when I was a child.

Before I continue it is important to read John 15:3-5 which says, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”

To be continued…………………………

No God, No Lasting Love! Know God, Know Lasting Love! (Part One)

We all know what love feels like. The emotion of love is intense and can be all consuming! From the love we feel for our family members to the love we feel towards our mate. Love takes on many forms throughout our lives and we use the word love in many settings and situations. I hear people say they love a certain kind of food, or they love a sports team, etc., and I’m sure they do, but is that really love? I hear teenagers tell me they love the person they are dating and I hear people say they love their job, but oftentimes that love shifts or ends due to a break up or a job loss; then they find themselves suffering emotions of sadness, bitterness, or anger. To be honest I don’t really think that most people understand what love truly is. The kind of love they know is more an affectionate emotion of temporary satisfaction, more than it is true love! I believe true and lasting love can only come from God as a fruit of the Spirit!

Many books have been written about the different kinds of love, Agape, Eros, Phileo, and Storge. Here are some definitions of each and some insight into their meaning.

Agapeo or Agape – This is unconditional love. This word is translated to mean charity. It means loving someone for their value as a child of God, not for what they do for you or give you. It is Godly love and when Jesus spoke of love this was the main description of love that He referred to. This kind of love can only come from God. (John 3:16). This love cannot be mustered up or demonstrated as an emotion of the soul. It is the fruit of the Spirit that Galatians 5 talks about.

Eros – I haven’t found this definition in Scripture but it is in Greek writings. The English translation would be erotic, as referring to sex. It is based mostly on physical traits. This is the kind of love that benefits the self. “This makes me feel good. This makes me happy. This makes me feel valued, etc.” It is a self centered love of sorts. This is the strong emotional attraction to another person. This emotion of love is natural and needed. Romantic love plays a big part in relationships, but this emotion of love comes and goes, and cannot stand alone and last, apart from Agape love being its grounding.

Phileo – This is love based on friendship. It is not sexual in meaning. The city of Philadelphia is called the “City of Brotherly Love” for instance. It is a give and take love, a love of admiration. Anyone can experience this kind of love. Another way to think of it is “Platonic love”. Usually both people benefit when Phileo love is present but just like Eros love, it cannot stand on its own over an extended period of time without being grounded in Agape love.

Storge – the love between family members. It is the kind of love a parent has for a child and vice versa. It is a committed, and a lot of times sacrificial, kind of love. It is an instinctual type of love. This love can be tainted if there is harm done to a family member, but most often, it is an unconditional, forgiving love shown towards family members.

We can experience all of these types of love in our relationships. If we want to have a fulfillment of them that will last a lifetime, we have to make sure that our “acts of love” are coming from our solid foundation with God, through our relationship with Jesus Christ. God has given each of these types of love to bring joy, peace, and abundance to us. Each type is a free gift that we can choose to walk in or not. God gave us the fulfillment of every type of love through Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

If we want to walk in the abundance of that love and experience the other types of love fully, we have to allow God’s love to envelope us and we have to understand that no matter what we do, God has a committed love for us. His Agape love does not change based on what we do, how we act, or how we think.

God’s Agape love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

God’s Agape love always protects us. (1 Corinthians 13)

Only God’s Agape love flowing through us can bring true fulfillment in life.

From that fulfillment we can walk in the other types of love, without growing weary and weak. This is only possible when those “acts of love” are an extension of God’s perfect love flowing through us by the power of His Holy Spirit. In our own strength we can muster up the energy to love in any form but we will soon find our strength waning and we will grow tired, when we suffer relationships difficulties and setbacks.

If you want to live a fulfilled life and have a love in you, that flows from the Spirit of God, it is time to become grounded in God’s perfect love for you. I know it may be scary for some of you if you have been wounded in a love relationship of any kind, but as you take this leap of faith remember 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” If you have a fear of loving because you have been hurt by someone you loved in the past, there is hope! My prayer is that you will come with me on this journey into understanding love from a different perspective. In order to begin this journey all you have to do accept God’s perfect love for you by faith and He will do the rest.

To be continued……………………………………

No God, No Lasting Joy! Know God, Know Lasting Joy!

We all know what joy feels like. There are many times in life when we experience joy in relationships. The initial joy is what I like to call the “Butterfly” feeling. That is when your stomach gets in knots just at the thought of the person you are in relationship with. We anticipate the time we will get to spend with them and dream about what our relationship will become over time. If we meet a potential mate we anticipate what it would be like to build a future together. If we start a new job we anticipate building great relationships with our coworkers. When we have children we anticipate the joy that will come when we spend time with them as they are growing up. At first this emotion of joy seems complete and we can’t imagine anything ever taking it away. But as we all know, oftentimes that joy is short lived, as the reality of life sets in. The joy doesn’t go away completely but it definitely fades from its original intensity.

In a relationship with a significant other the things we found intriguing and cute in the beginning usually end up driving us crazy the more we spend time with that person. When the rose colored glasses come off we begin to get annoyed at them and begin to draw back with our emotion of joy. This is very natural and it happens to all of us in every relationship we have. From relationships with our parents, coworkers, kids, spouses, etc., every person experiences different phases of joy. There is a reason for this and if we can understand it, we will be able to experience true inner joy, in all of our relationships, even the difficult ones.

Let me explain something about joy. The emotion of joy can cease at any moment, like the times in life when we get bad news or someone hurts our feelings. We have all experienced this. Our emotions are God given and we experience different emotions at different times. But what I want you to understand is that we are the ones who waver and change, and we replace our emotion of joy with an emotion of despair, based on our circumstances. This joy is the emotion of joy that comes from our soul man. But there is another joy that we have access to as Christians that does not change in the midst of relationship difficulties, and that joy is the joy that comes from our spirit man. The Spirit of God does not change based on our circumstances in life! God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. When we have a Spirit controlled temperament our joy cannot be taken away no matter what difficulties we face in life. Now here is the difference!

Galatians 5 says that joy is a fruit of the Spirit and the only way to experience lasting joy in all of our relationships, from the good ones to the bad ones, is to have our joy coming from our spirit man and not our soul. One of the most important things for a believer to understand is that the fruit of the Spirit is not an emotion for us to muster up and control. It is in the giving up control to the Spirit of God where we will see the fruit of joy operating in our lives on a consistent basis.

God’s promise of joy as a fruit of the Spirit does not wane and His joy is everlasting and constant, even in the midst of our relationship difficulties! In fact, we have a promise from God in Psalm 94:18, 19 that says, “When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” NIV The Lord consoles us in our times of grief and trouble and that consolation is meant to bring joy to our souls; but only if we hold onto the promise of joy as a fruit of the Spirit and not just as an emotion of the soul. When we have the fruit of the Spirit operating in our lives, our circumstances and relationship problems won’t overwhelm us to the point where we lose our faith or our identity in the process of experiencing a relational problem.

When we become more intimately acquainted with God on a personal level we will begin to understand the difference between the fruit of the Spirit and the emotions of the soul. This insight will take us to a new level of understanding God’s character and His Word. We also have to remember John 15:16 when Jesus says, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.” NKJV and in the NIV it says, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.”

Here is the choice the believer has to make. Who are we going to give the control of our lives to? Are we going to give over control to our soul and be tossed back and forth in our emotions depending on what we experience? Or are we going to give over the control of our emotions to the Holy Spirit and experience the fruit of joy that will last as Jesus promised? Today the choice is ours. I want to encourage you to seek wisdom and understanding in this area. If you do, you will be blessed. Let me leave you with this passage.

Proverbs 3:13 – 26:

Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, In her left hand riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, And all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her. The LORD by wisdom founded the earth; By understanding He established the heavens; By His knowledge the depths were broken up, And clouds drop down the dew. My son, let them not depart from your eyes— Keep sound wisdom and discretion; So they will be life to your soul And grace to your neck. Then you will walk safely in your way, And your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror, Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes; For the LORD will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught.