Home or Hell for the Holidays?

As a child I remember going back to our relative’s house in Ohio for the holidays a couple of times. For the most part it was enjoyable since I was just a child and more focused on playing in the snow and having fun with the cousins I didn’t get to see very often. I had no idea of the underlying tensions that existed with the “big people” in the house. They put up a great front but knowing what I know now I can imagine just how stressful it was for them to all be together under one roof.

My dad came from a home that was functional but without love. Acceptance was based on performance and if one boy got in trouble they all got punished. My dad said that his mother never told him she loved him at any time in his life. Even when my dad was dying of cancer my grandma could not muster the courage to say, “I love you” and it made me extremely mad. But in order for me to keep my composure and focus on spending time with my dad I had to remind myself of a truth I teach people every day, “hurting people, hurt people”.

This truth doesn’t change the pain caused by them but at least it keeps us from going crazy trying to figure out why they can’t show love. I am sharing this because the holidays are fast approaching and many of you are faced with the decision of whether or not you go home for the holidays or have family come to your house, or whether you forgo the family gatherings. Most people do not even know they have an assertive right to stay away from relationships that have been or are currently abusive. And if they haven’t received healing they will just try to “suck it up” and put on a happy face, somehow hoping this year will be different.

The unfortunate truth is that unless the people who wounded you received healing and unless you received healing the experience will not be any different this year. Whether the abuse is overt or underlying it will still be present on some level. This will cause unnecessary stress for you and you will walk away from yet another holiday asking the question, “why in the hell do I keep trying to make these relationships work? I am sick and tired of the way they treat me and my family! I’m not going next year under any circumstances!” And this is the very reason I entitled this blog “Home or Hell for the Holidays” because during the 12 months between the holidays many people forget what they said when they left the previous year.

I am here to give you permission to stay home this year and not feel guilty for doing it. Somehow people feel this intense need to make family relationships work but they have no idea why. It is important to understand that not all family relationships will turn around! You may be able to accept this truth logically, but most people don’t think logically when it comes to their own family. Their emotions are so wound up in past memories and experiences that it drives them to think with their emotions and not with logic. Then they try to convince themselves that this year will be different and they make their holiday plans.

If this person is you I want to help you reframe this so you can make the healthiest decision this year and for years to come, for yourself and your family. I want you to think of your family as a vehicle. Get a mental picture of the vehicle that best depicts your family. Does a Lamborghini or another luxury car come to mind or are you thinking of an old beat up jalopy sitting in a junk yard? Or is it something in between? If it is a luxury car that runs so smooth it almost feels like you are floating on air, you have a green light to go home for the holidays.

If your mental image was a jalopy in a junk yard, you have a red light and definitely need to make other holiday plans or you know you will be going to hell for the holidays. Now for the people whose image was somewhere in between you have to do a little more work on determining whether you participate or not. You have a yellow light which means you need to slow down and evaluate the situation carefully.

I have a friend whose family seems pretty functional but her dad is constantly sarcastic and likes telling “off color” jokes. She has always felt uncomfortable when he does this but she has never known how to address it. Her mom is always correcting her when she is trying to deal with her kids. Her mom just takes over and says things like, “Oh come in here with grandma. You can help me in the kitchen. Fran lighten up honey, it’s the holidays.” Neither of her parents actions are overtly abusive but they still trigger Fran and make her feel “less than” as an adult and a parent. She never addresses their behavior and because of her inability to confront them, she stuffs her emotions. The result of her passivity is that she oftentimes gets a migraine by the time she leaves their house. Later on she complains to her husband and takes her frustrations out on the kids when they get home. Fran is passive aggressive and unless she becomes assertive she will continue to put herself and her family in these stressful situations.

It is obvious that her parents are not going to change because most likely they don’t know they need to and so it is up to Fran to change or stay away. If she becomes assertive she may be able to approach them and work it out, but if she just continues to ignore the issues she will continue to suffer. Many of you may be in similar situations and not know what to do. Allow me to help you evaluate the situation so you can make the right decision. Answer the following questions honestly.

1. Do your family members make you feel uncomfortable in any way when you are with them?
2. Do you have past abuse or misuse issues that have never been addressed or that you have not healed from?
3. Do your family members make you feel “less than” as a person when they talk to you?
4. Do you find yourself drinking alcohol trying to “lighten” up your mood?
5. Do you have thoughts of other people you would rather be spending the day with?
6. Is there something else you wish you were doing during your vacation?
7. Do you get anxious, suffer migraines, and get stomach sickness, before or after the holidays?
8. Do they constantly put you down or merely "tolerate" you?

These are just some examples of things to consider because these are directly related to unhealthy family dynamics. If you identify with many or all of these your yellow light just turned red and you need to change your travel plans. You might say, “But Holly, what will they think? What will they say about me? They will be angry!”

I want to enlighten you with a truth you might not know. They are already thinking poorly of you or they wouldn’t treat you that way. They are already saying things about you, and to you, that are wounding you. And they are already angry, but not at you. They are angry at life and have never dealt with their own dysfunction and you going to their family gathering is not going to change that!

You have control over one person in this life and that person is you. You can’t change your family! They have to want to change themselves. It is not your job to make people happy! It is your job to make yourself healthy and if being healthy means staying away from unhealthy people you need to value yourself and your family enough to do it! Then you need to value yourself enough to get healing for your past wounds and learn to become assertive so you know how to erect boundaries that keep yourself and your family safe. And the greatest thing about doing these things is that if you make a decision later on to revisit the family holiday celebration you will know how to handle it without making yourself sick over it. The choice is up to you.

So this year decide for yourself and your family where you are going to spend the holidays based on the truth of your family dynamics and not based on guilt. Believe me the uncomfortable feelings of saying no will not outlast the joy you experience being in a home where you are not only celebrating a holiday but where you too, are being celebrated!