Communication with Teens

Every day I hear parents say their teens are driving them crazy. I hear story after story of battles going on in homes and the frustration parents are having trying to relate to their teens. They see their child going down a wrong path in life, and they don’t know how to direct them, correct them, or connect with them. They tell me they are at their wits end, and ready to kick them out! I am writing this blog as an encouragement for you, or someone you know, who may be facing this situation. I work with teens every day and I hear their side of the story. My heart breaks as I hear them saying the same things about their parents. I see them struggling to find their identity and self worth on their own. They are craving direction, but don’t know how to ask for it. They are craving correction, but don’t like receiving it. They are craving communication, but don’t know how to communicate.

Being a teenager is one of the most difficult times in life! Here’s why:

1. The body is going through physiological changes, and they don’t know how to react to them.
2. Their minds are shifting from a child mentality to an adult mentality, and they don’t know how to make the transition.
3. Their running as fast as they can to the finish line, called their 18th birthday, hoping that when they reach it, they will be listened to and taken seriously!
4. They are given more responsibility, but they are not trained how to be responsible.
5. They are given more freedom, but they are not trained on how to use their time wisely.
6. They are given money, but don’t know how to manage it.
7. They are expected to get a job, but don’t know how to work efficiently or the meaning of work ethic.
8. They are expected to attend school, church, activities, and get a job, but don’t know how to deal with the pressures of life.
9. They are given more control over what they watch on T.V., listen to on the radio, and what they look at on the internet, but they don’t know how to make wise choices.
10. They face the pressures of drugs, alcohol, sex, etc., without knowing how to have restraint.

These are just the top ten things I hear teens say that cause them the most hardship.
In most cases, when someone gets pregnant, they invest a lot of time in learning what it will take to care for a baby. They view this time investment as an exciting adventure of learning, and they draw from several resources, in order to gain knowledge on how to be the best parent. As a result the babies are well cared for, their needs are met, and the parents are wise to the challenges of raising a baby.

Then when they pass the baby stage something changes. A few parents will purchase the next book in a series, that teaches them how to raise a toddler, but most parents decide they can “wing it”. They don’t do any more homework on parenting. Fast forward 13 years when the child becomes a teenager and you will find most parents frustrated and overwhelmed when the hormones kick in. Add to that “I know it all” attitude and the battle begins! The relationship starts to deteriorate and in many cases communication comes to a halt. Don’t get me wrong there are words being spoken , but most of them are in a hostile or exhausted tone and everyone ends up feeling angry and defeated.

Both the parents and the teens do what comes natural. They go to their peers for advice and support. What the parents find are other parents who are in the same situation and they hear similar stories of frustration. When they walk away from the conversation they are no more equipped to deal with their teen than before they started talking. The parents determine this is normal and something they have to put up with, until the teen gets to the age where they can move out of the house. What usually happens next is the most disappointing result of these interactions. The parents pull back in their relationship and they give the teen more freedom to be with their friends. The common thought is that if the teen is out of the house they are not disrupting the environment.

As the teen spends more time with their friends hey look to their friends for advice, and they begin to determine that parents are unreasonable. They adopt a false belief system that says, “This is the way it is with all teen/parent relationships and nothing is ever going to change.” They too pull back from the relationship and they want to be out of the house more because they can’t deal with the environment at home either.

The result of both scenarios is the same. Neither the parents nor the teen learns how to communicate and both parties are left feeling agitated, angry, and alone. This combination of emotions and the feelings of hopelessness create an explosive relationship. The result is that both parties end up hurting each other with their words and actions. It doesn’t have to be this way but it takes time, energy, and effort to change it. Those parents who are willing to put in the time and are willing to learn how to communicate with their teen, experience less stress and the home environment is more peaceful for everyone in the household. The teens are less likely to be influenced by peer pressure to smoke, drink, use drugs, or engage in sexual activity.

All of the teens I have mentored or coached over the years, who are entangled in a lifestyle of sex, drugs, and alcohol, have told me they didn’t feel they had any other choice. They felt pressured and they had nowhere to turn for help or advice, because they couldn’t go to their parents for fear of how their parents would react. Parents are you listening to me? Your kids are afraid to come to you because they are afraid of your reaction! Something is drastically wrong when your teen cannot come to you for advice or guidance.

You are supposed to be their mentor and coach. Your number one job is to help your teen train for success! The teen years are not the time to back off in your relationship with your child. It is the time to move closer to them and to learn how to communicate with them. If you don’t do this and you don’t create a positive learning environment for them, someone else will create a negative and destructive one and your teen will become just another statistic.

Many parents have a “not my kid” attitude and they are unwilling to admit that their child is in danger of being influenced into drugs, alcohol, or sex. If they do find out their teen is engaging in these activities most parents place the blame on another kid, and tell their teen to stay away from that kid, because they are a bad influence. It is easier to point the finger than to face the reality of the truth! With the pressures of providing for the family and taking care of other children the parents today feel overwhelmed, and they don’t feel they have the time to do anymore than they are already doing. But I want you to understand that the old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” really is true! Many of the trials you are facing with your teen are preventative if you are willing to do the work to learn how to communicate with your teen.

I have a son who will be 15 in a couple of months. We have an incredible relationship! He shares his life with me and I coach him through the challenges he faces everyday at school and with his peers. I have given him permission to share everything with me and he knows I will never freak out on him no matter what he tells me. As a result he tells me everything! Sometimes it is hard to hear because I know more than I really want to know, but they are things I need to know. It is hard to hear him tell me of the number of his friends who are viewing pornography online, or who are drinking or using drugs, but in allowing him to share these things with me, I am able to coach him through it.

In turn he coaches his peers and many of them listen to him. Recently he showed me text messages from one of his female friends. The conversation was about her anger towards her parents and how she hated them. He was teaching her how to get a mindset of success by taking her focus off of her parents and putting her focus into her studies at school. At the end of the conversation she thanked him for helping her change her opinion of her parents. She said he was the only friend who really helped her and that her other friends only made her angrier at her parents. My son then told me of the many friends who come to him for advice and he shared with me what he was teaching these kids. He said girls were no longer having sex and the boys were rethinking their involvement in pornography.

You might be wondering how he knew what to say to those kids and how he was able to get them to change their behavior. The answer is that I taught him the truth about those things. I never told him not to have sex or not to view pornography. I told him how amazing sex is, and God’s design for it, and how fulfilling it is when you engage in it with your God given mate. I also told him the truth about pornography. I didn’t shame him or try to scare him. I was honest and told him what happens to the brain when a person views pornography, and how the areas of the brain that are affected by it. We had many conversations about it over a couple of months. The result was that he had all the information and was equipped to make a conscious decision about it for himself.

What I said made sense and he was able to process it and then in turn, teach his peers about it. You may be wondering where I got my information. Well I studied it for myself and became educated so I would know how to teach it to my son. I did the hard work beforehand and as a result I was equipped to train him when he began to ask questions. It goes back to what I said previously. I never stopped learning how to parent. I knew if I tried to “wing it” our relationship would suffer and my son would be left to being influenced by uninformed and misinformed peers, who didn’t have a clue about life. I refused to allow this to happen. I put in the hours of study for myself to ensure our relationship stayed intact and so my son would be equipped to face the pressures of the teenage life.

Look around you today at the number of adults who are ill-equipped in their own lives to face the daily influences of sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, etc., and I will show you an adult who didn’t receive proper training in their teenage years. They are basically teenagers in adult bodies who are still searching for the truth themselves. They are no more informed than they were when they were teens and they are still going to their peers for information. Unfortunately most of their peers are just as ill-equipped as they are, and the information they are getting is poor.

Look at the divorce rate or the statistics on affairs or pornography addiction. Look at the statistics on drinking or drug use, legal or illegal. Look at the increase in stress related diseases. The numbers are staggering! Adults are facing the same pressures that teens are facing and they can’t figure out how to deal with them in a healthy way. These same adults are now raising teens. If they don’t know how to deal with their own issues how are they going to know how to deal with their teens issues? The answer is they can’t! And so the cycle of dysfunction goes on and it is passed down to the next generation.

It is time for adults to come to a place of maturity and to begin to get help for themselves so they are able to help their teen navigate through life. I spent years reading, taking classes, counseling, etc., in order to deal with the issues of my past and I am grateful I did because I am able to coach my teenager through his issues. The biggest impact you can make on your teen’s life is to deal with your own issues so you are not afraid to deal with theirs. Your teen needs you! Today is a great time to buy a book, sign up for a class, surf the web for information, etc. in order to begin the process of healing and change for yourself. Those of you who are willing to take on this challenge and who are willing to become a coach will have success stories instead of horror stories to share when the teen years are over.

You might be thinking you don’t have the time. Let me dispel that myth for you and put this into prospective. How many hours a day are you willing to work for a company who could lay you off or fire you tomorrow? How much time are you willing to sit in front of a television and watch shows or sporting events that will do nothing to improve your life? How much time are you willing to spend scrapbooking, golfing, mountain climbing, sailing, etc. that will never amount to you winning a gold medal in the Olympics? How much time are you willing to spend with friends who you may get into a fight with tomorrow and never speak to again? How much time are you willing to volunteer for church or your kid’s school that you will not be a part of 10 years from now?

These are only a few areas where people spend their time where that time could be spent learning how to be a better parent. It is not a time issue that keeps you from doing what I am talking about. It is a priority issue. Ask any elderly person who spent their life becoming successful or spent their time serving their own interests, as they are sitting in a nursing home alone, if it was worth it. Ask them if it breaks their heart that their children rarely visit them. Ask them what the one thing is that they would do different and across the board you will hear them say they wished they would have put more priority on family and less time invested in trivial pursuits.

Your children will one day grow up and leave home and in time you will realize how much you miss them. You will reevaluate your relationship and there will come a time you will wish you had done things differently. And as your children have children of their own and they come to visit you, you will begin to see the effect you had on them. I hear story after story of grandparents whose hearts break because they see the way their children are parenting, but the most unfortunate thing is at that point it is too late and the grandparents have to suffer in silence. Some may speak up but most often an adult child will not change their interactions with their children just because their parents don’t agree with their parenting style. In fact, most adult children justify their actions by pointing out that they were parented in the same way. So the cycle of dysfunction continues and another generation is affected.

So my challenge to you today is to reevaluate your priorities and make becoming a healthy parent and coach one of your top priorities! The benefit that will come in everyone’s life far out ways the time it will take to change. Believe me if you will do this you will feel a sense of satisfaction that is far beyond anything you can think or imagine. And your children will one day rise up and call you blessed and they will thank you for placing value on their life. You have the opportunity to pass on a legacy of love, stability, health, wellness, and success that is far better than a gold medal, a tenure watch, or a plague on the wall. Those things will one day be destroyed; whereas the blessings you pass onto your children will go on from generation to generation!

Dating Series - Part 7

Every day my spam inbox is filled with invitations to join dating sites. They entice you with advertisements revealing gorgeous people and tell you your perfect match is waiting to meet you. There was a time when I was single when my colleagues at work convinced me to give it a try. They said it was a great way to sort through hundreds of potential mate candidates in hopes of finding my “Mr. Right”. As we set up my profile and uploaded my pictures I must admit I was excited! I knew what I was looking for and I was anticipating finding him through the internet super highway of dating.

I couldn’t wait until I had a break at work so I could check my email to see who was looking at my profile. Day after day I had invitations from men telling me they loved my profile and they wanted to get to know me better. I hadn’t had this much attention in my entire life and it felt good to be wanted. As I began to respond to some of the men I soon discovered that most of them did not have pure intentions in making contact with me. I was in shock when I read some of the requests for provocative pictures or invitations to chat on line or by web cam. Whenever I would respond and tell them I wasn’t interested in doing these things they quickly deleted me from their connections list.

Time and time again I found myself shaking my head in disbelief, wondering where these men got the notion that women were so easy. Then one day I met a man, not online, who filled me in on the reality of internet dating and the sad truth that much of it is just a way for men and women to fill their sexual desires in the disguise of looking for a true “soul mate”. Call me naïve but I really had no clue! I began to ask other men and women in my life about this and they confirmed what this man had told me.

Even though I was aware of this reality I kept my profile up just in case they were wrong. And then one day I opened my email and found a guy who sparked my interest because he didn’t respond like the previous men. After a few email exchanges I felt comfortable meeting him in person, in a public setting of course, and with people I knew with me. When we met I was delighted to find that we held many of the same values and interests. He was polite and never tried to make an advance towards me. In my mind I was thinking, “Now this guy is a great catch.” We had a wonderful time! Over the next couple of days we exchanged emails and talked on the phone a couple of times but something inside told me he wasn’t the one. I sent him an email and told him I didn’t think it was going to work out and I wished him well.

I continued to get emails soliciting me to enter into scenarios that made me feel quite uncomfortable and on Christmas Eve that year I made a decision to remove my profile from those sites. I’m sure internet dating works for some but it wasn’t an avenue I wanted to take any longer. I had a talk with God and told Him I really didn’t enjoy being single but I was not willing to lower my standards out of desperation. It felt so good to press the delete button even though I wasn’t sure how I was going to find “Mr. Right” now because raising 3 kids and working full time didn’t give me the time freedom to search for a mate in the conventional way. But I knew I was making the right decision.

As I sat there and thought about this for a few minutes I felt a peace come over me and I let go of my concerns. I decided to take my thoughts captive and focus my energy on celebrating Christmas with my friends and family. I went over to a friend’s house that night and he told me he was proud of me and that I had made the right choice. I thought it was funny coming from him because he was a serial internet dating guy who was constantly online looking for his “soul mate”. But I received his words of encouragement and left his house feeling comfortable with my decision. In the car on my way to a relative’s house I told God that I was going to trust Him to bring the man He had for me and that I wouldn’t keep trying to force it to happen.

Christmas day came and went and I was filled with a joy and peace I can’t even put into words. On the 27th my friend flew in to town and we went out to sing karaoke that night. I had no expectations for the night and was just anticipating a fun filled evening with friends. As we entered the restaurant my eyes caught sight of the most beautiful man I have ever seen and in fact he was the exact image of the man I had dreamt of when I was young. I grabbed my friend’s arm and told her he was the one. Of course she thought I was crazy but something inside of me knew that God had answered my prayer and this man was in fact the man I had been looking for my entire life.

I can’t go into the details of what happened next as it would take way too long to explain. I will write that blog at another time, as it is definitely worth reading, but for now I want you to know that I ended up marrying the man I met that night. He wasn’t my “soul mate”, he was my “God mate”! And believe me there is a difference which I will also explain in another blog.

For now what I want you to know is that God has already prepared a mate for you and if you truly want to find the one who He knows will complete you and be a compliment to your life, quit trying to force it to happen! As I have said in past blogs take this time being single to become intimate with God and His desires for you and spend time deciding what you really want out of life and in a mate. Believe me it is way more exciting when God brings them into your life supernaturally than anything you could ever create in your own power naturally!

This Christmas give yourself the gift of time! Don’t sell yourself short and don’t give yourself to people who truly do not deserve to be a part of your life! And if you find yourself being asked to lower your standards in order to get to the next level in a relationship, press delete and move on! People will treat you the way you teach them that you deserve to be treated. God has put a very high value on your life and it is time for you to accept it and to quit selling yourself on the clearance rack of life!

Home or Hell for the Holidays?

As a child I remember going back to our relative’s house in Ohio for the holidays a couple of times. For the most part it was enjoyable since I was just a child and more focused on playing in the snow and having fun with the cousins I didn’t get to see very often. I had no idea of the underlying tensions that existed with the “big people” in the house. They put up a great front but knowing what I know now I can imagine just how stressful it was for them to all be together under one roof.

My dad came from a home that was functional but without love. Acceptance was based on performance and if one boy got in trouble they all got punished. My dad said that his mother never told him she loved him at any time in his life. Even when my dad was dying of cancer my grandma could not muster the courage to say, “I love you” and it made me extremely mad. But in order for me to keep my composure and focus on spending time with my dad I had to remind myself of a truth I teach people every day, “hurting people, hurt people”.

This truth doesn’t change the pain caused by them but at least it keeps us from going crazy trying to figure out why they can’t show love. I am sharing this because the holidays are fast approaching and many of you are faced with the decision of whether or not you go home for the holidays or have family come to your house, or whether you forgo the family gatherings. Most people do not even know they have an assertive right to stay away from relationships that have been or are currently abusive. And if they haven’t received healing they will just try to “suck it up” and put on a happy face, somehow hoping this year will be different.

The unfortunate truth is that unless the people who wounded you received healing and unless you received healing the experience will not be any different this year. Whether the abuse is overt or underlying it will still be present on some level. This will cause unnecessary stress for you and you will walk away from yet another holiday asking the question, “why in the hell do I keep trying to make these relationships work? I am sick and tired of the way they treat me and my family! I’m not going next year under any circumstances!” And this is the very reason I entitled this blog “Home or Hell for the Holidays” because during the 12 months between the holidays many people forget what they said when they left the previous year.

I am here to give you permission to stay home this year and not feel guilty for doing it. Somehow people feel this intense need to make family relationships work but they have no idea why. It is important to understand that not all family relationships will turn around! You may be able to accept this truth logically, but most people don’t think logically when it comes to their own family. Their emotions are so wound up in past memories and experiences that it drives them to think with their emotions and not with logic. Then they try to convince themselves that this year will be different and they make their holiday plans.

If this person is you I want to help you reframe this so you can make the healthiest decision this year and for years to come, for yourself and your family. I want you to think of your family as a vehicle. Get a mental picture of the vehicle that best depicts your family. Does a Lamborghini or another luxury car come to mind or are you thinking of an old beat up jalopy sitting in a junk yard? Or is it something in between? If it is a luxury car that runs so smooth it almost feels like you are floating on air, you have a green light to go home for the holidays.

If your mental image was a jalopy in a junk yard, you have a red light and definitely need to make other holiday plans or you know you will be going to hell for the holidays. Now for the people whose image was somewhere in between you have to do a little more work on determining whether you participate or not. You have a yellow light which means you need to slow down and evaluate the situation carefully.

I have a friend whose family seems pretty functional but her dad is constantly sarcastic and likes telling “off color” jokes. She has always felt uncomfortable when he does this but she has never known how to address it. Her mom is always correcting her when she is trying to deal with her kids. Her mom just takes over and says things like, “Oh come in here with grandma. You can help me in the kitchen. Fran lighten up honey, it’s the holidays.” Neither of her parents actions are overtly abusive but they still trigger Fran and make her feel “less than” as an adult and a parent. She never addresses their behavior and because of her inability to confront them, she stuffs her emotions. The result of her passivity is that she oftentimes gets a migraine by the time she leaves their house. Later on she complains to her husband and takes her frustrations out on the kids when they get home. Fran is passive aggressive and unless she becomes assertive she will continue to put herself and her family in these stressful situations.

It is obvious that her parents are not going to change because most likely they don’t know they need to and so it is up to Fran to change or stay away. If she becomes assertive she may be able to approach them and work it out, but if she just continues to ignore the issues she will continue to suffer. Many of you may be in similar situations and not know what to do. Allow me to help you evaluate the situation so you can make the right decision. Answer the following questions honestly.

1. Do your family members make you feel uncomfortable in any way when you are with them?
2. Do you have past abuse or misuse issues that have never been addressed or that you have not healed from?
3. Do your family members make you feel “less than” as a person when they talk to you?
4. Do you find yourself drinking alcohol trying to “lighten” up your mood?
5. Do you have thoughts of other people you would rather be spending the day with?
6. Is there something else you wish you were doing during your vacation?
7. Do you get anxious, suffer migraines, and get stomach sickness, before or after the holidays?
8. Do they constantly put you down or merely "tolerate" you?

These are just some examples of things to consider because these are directly related to unhealthy family dynamics. If you identify with many or all of these your yellow light just turned red and you need to change your travel plans. You might say, “But Holly, what will they think? What will they say about me? They will be angry!”

I want to enlighten you with a truth you might not know. They are already thinking poorly of you or they wouldn’t treat you that way. They are already saying things about you, and to you, that are wounding you. And they are already angry, but not at you. They are angry at life and have never dealt with their own dysfunction and you going to their family gathering is not going to change that!

You have control over one person in this life and that person is you. You can’t change your family! They have to want to change themselves. It is not your job to make people happy! It is your job to make yourself healthy and if being healthy means staying away from unhealthy people you need to value yourself and your family enough to do it! Then you need to value yourself enough to get healing for your past wounds and learn to become assertive so you know how to erect boundaries that keep yourself and your family safe. And the greatest thing about doing these things is that if you make a decision later on to revisit the family holiday celebration you will know how to handle it without making yourself sick over it. The choice is up to you.

So this year decide for yourself and your family where you are going to spend the holidays based on the truth of your family dynamics and not based on guilt. Believe me the uncomfortable feelings of saying no will not outlast the joy you experience being in a home where you are not only celebrating a holiday but where you too, are being celebrated!

Dating Series - Part 6

I am sure that all of you have gone to watch a movie at a theatre. You determine the movie you want to watch, buy your tickets, popcorn, and drink, and make your way into the theatre. You are filled with anticipation because you have been waiting for this movie to be released! After the previews are over and the movie begins you sit back in your seat and prepare to watch the movie. What would happen if the movie that came on the screen was a completely different movie than the one you paid for? Would you just sit there and watch the movie or would you get up and tell the management to change it? Would you be satisfied or discontent? How long would you wait until you exited the theatre?

This may sound like a strange way to start a blog but trust me I have a point. When you begin dating someone both of you share portions of your life stories and you tell each other about the things you like to do or don’t like to do. In other words you give the other person a preview of your life. These are the stories and images you want them to grab hold of to entice them to stay in the relationship long enough to see the feature film. You portray your BEST self each other! Just like movie trailers you both will know within a short time if this is a movie (life) you want to see. If it is you are willing to wait for it to come out and if it isn’t you move on to the next dating relationship.

What you have to understand is that whatever is on the movie reel is what will be portrayed on the screen. And the same is true of your life. Everything that is inside of you, your beliefs, past hurts, thoughts, words, and actions, will eventually be portrayed on the movie screen of your life. Some of you have horror stories from past abuse that you have never gotten healed of. Some of you have false, negative, or limiting beliefs that you have never addressed. Some of you have thoughts of fear, worry, and anxiety you have never learned to overcome. All of these things are stored on the (movie reel) of your life and if you do not address them they will eventually be portrayed in your life to your partner.

This is why so many relationships fail because people buy into the preview and then once the feature film begins they say, “Wait a minute this is not what I wanted! This is completely the opposite of what I thought it was going to be!” “I’m out of here!” And another relationship ends and you find yourself single once again.

This is why it is so important to spend your time being single to address the issues of your life before you get into a relationship. If you do this your opportunity for a successful relationship is greater than the person who is unwilling to do it. Not only does it prepare you to be in a relationship but it teaches you how to be discerning when you begin to date someone. You will be able to see “glitches” in the movie reel during the preview session that will give you clues as to whether or not this is someone you want to date.

The responsibility of being discerning belongs to you. I hear story after story of people who say they were caught completely off guard after the wedding day because they had no idea the other person had certain issues. I understand that everything can’t be known prior to the wedding, but a lot can be if a person takes the time to invest in themselves and become healthy on this side of the wedding aisle. I believe too many people especially women are too eager to run down the aisle and say “I do” only to later say “What did I do?”

It doesn’t have to be this way!

As I have said in a previous blog being single is an incredible blessing! You have the opportunity to find out who you are, what you like, and how you want to spend your life. Then you get to determine who you want to spend it with. I have a woman I coach who has been putting my advice to practice in her life. She is dating a couple of men and what she has discovered is that the qualities from her negotiable and non-negotiable list are found in both men, but not all of them in one man. Now she is beginning to pray that God brings one man into her life who possesses most or all of those qualities. She is no longer anxious hoping one of them will change and become her everything. Instead she has discovered that men possess those qualities and it is just a matter of time before she finds the right one.

Before I began coaching her she would have pursued one of those men passionately because she would have thought a little is better than nothing at all,that her clock was ticking, and time was running out. If she had succeeded at capturing one of them she would have ended up disappointed later on when she discovered that they could not or would not meet her other needs.

Instead she has learned that there is no clock, she has all the time in the world, and that a little eventually leads to not enough later on. She is taking her time being single to heal from past wounds, change her inner beliefs, and to become a strong person, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. She continues to do these things and she is at peace and enjoying her dating life. She is willing to take the time to make sure the “feature film” reflects the truth of what she portrayed in the preview. She is no longer anxious and worried! She is discovering God’s incredible love for her and His plan for relationship success and she is willing to wait for it!

The question is are you?

Dating Series - Part 5

In the last blog I made this statement, “The first and foremost important quality to look for in a mate is someone who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful! If they aren’t willing then they aren’t worth your time!” I have had several emails and calls in regards to this comment so I am going to explain this before I move to the next topic.

When I speak of doing the hard work I am not talking about a person who works to try to please you or make you happy. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. True happiness is something that comes from within as you gain an understanding of who you are in Christ and the purpose God has for your life. I could change the word happiness to peace and contentment or joy and abundance. True happiness can only be experienced when Christ is the center focal point of your life. All other feelings of happiness wane over time based on circumstance and relationship.

When I speak of a person who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful, I am talking about a person who has a Christ centered self esteem and approach to life. They live life on purpose allowing the Holy Spirit to flow through them. The result of a person who lives this way is what Galatians 5:22-26 states. It reads, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.”

Two people focused on building a relationship based on Christ living in them and the Holy Spirit flowing through them are a couple who have the best chance of having a successful relationship! Their eyes are fixed on Christ and they see their mate from a Christ centered point of view. They understand the importance of communication and are willing to make the investment of time that it takes to build a solid foundation for the relationship.

The decision to look for a relationship that completes you and has the qualities of success is entirely up to you. I had a person tell me the other day that it was too much work to do the things I am sharing. I know this person’s relationship history and it is dismal. The hours spent crying over failed relationships, hurtful words spoken to them, and counseling are too many to count! I told them to total up the hours and compare it to the hours it will take each day to implement change and see what the result would be.

Later that afternoon they called me back. They told me they did what I said and they were overwhelmed when they began to look at their past relationships in truth. The number of hours they had spent consumed by bad relationships were too many to count. Then they said they were willing to try something different. Remember in the last blog I told you the definition of insanity is to keep doing things the same as you have always done and expecting to see different results. I know this process takes time and effort but I can guarantee the results far out way the investment and you are worth it!

Now that you are beginning to understand the importance of using your time being single effectively as a time of healing, self growth, discovery, and character building, you are ready to go to the next level of learning. Now I will address what I promised in the last blog. I am going to address this truth first:

God has a purpose for your life and your relationship!

Psalm 139: 1- 18 says:
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

When you operate your life daily from an understanding of this passage you will be empowered during the time it takes to find the mate who completes you. You will not become anxious or worried when Mr./Miss Right doesn’t show up on your doorstep wrapped in a big red bow overnight! You will be patient and spend the time it takes to become healthy. You will also begin to believe that God has fashioned and formed a mate who completes you. I have three children who still live at home. They are 7, 8, and 14. From the time they began saying prayers I taught them the importance of praying for their God fashioned mate daily.

At first they thought it was silly but over time they grew to understand the importance. I explained that their future spouse was growing up right now just like they are and it was important to pray for God’s purpose and protection for them. After our talks they captured the vision of what I was saying. This is the same thing I want you to understand. It is one thing to spend time searching for your mate and it is entirely different to spend time praying for them and allowing God to fill you with His truth and purpose for your life.

As you align yourself with the truth from God’s Word and you pray for your mate God will work in you to bring the healing you need for past wounds. He will begin to give you wisdom and understanding about relationships and He will bring you peace as you wait on Him. You will begin to identify the traits you are looking for in a mate. Remember that as you write your non-negotiable and negotiable lists you will begin to see what desires God has placed in your heart and you will begin to have the strength to wait on Him to grant them.

God is faithful and He has an incredible plan for your life and for your relationship! I know how frustrating it can be during this time but it is important to remember that God’s timing is not usually our timing. His timing is always perfect and when you understand this you will become more patient on this journey of looking for your mate.

Dating Series - Part Four - The Negotiable List

Making the negotiable list is similar to making the non-negotiable list except these are not things that are deal breakers if your mate does not hold the same ideals as you do. For instance if enjoy social gatherings but your mate doesn’t like crowds this could potentially pose a problem if it is not discussed during the courtship and discovery stage of dating. Another example would be if your mate’s idea of a vacation is camping, fishing, and hiking, and your idea is going to New York City to shop, attend Musicals, and eat at fine restaurants.

The greatest benefit of being single is you get to write your own story and you get to shop for a mate who adds adventure, mystery, fun, and joy, etc. to your life. As I said in an earlier blog there are thousands of people searching for a mate in your area. Yet so many people end up settling after dating only a few people because they don’t think Mr./Miss Right is out there. Then after a few months or years they are frustrated and angry. They feel like they have lost their identity and they have given up so many of their own interests because their mate didn’t value them. They feel lost!

This doesn’t have to be the case! But in order to avoid it you will have to learn how to communicate your wants and desires in a healthy way. You will also need to learn how to become a negotiator and an effective assertive communicator. I teach a class on how to become these in depth but for this blog I am going to highlight some of the key points. I believe the lack of, or inability to communicate is the number one cause of all relationship break down. I also believe if people would spend more time in the beginning of the relationship learning how to communicate, fewer relationships would end in ruin.

There are hundreds of books written about relationships but the majority of them deal with how to please your mate, how to meet your mate’s needs, and how to get what you want in a relationship. But few of them address communication skills in depth. I talk to people all the time that read these kinds of books, apply the techniques, and still end up breaking up with their mate because the techniques didn’t work. There is a very popular Christian book on the shelves right now that tells people dozens of ways to make their relationship better by doing little things like making a surprise dinner or sending them flowers when it’s not a holiday, etc. These are great things but if your mate doesn’t value those things you will be frustrated because your gesture may not be received the way you were hoping it would.

If you want a healthy relationship you will need to become healthy and a part of being healthy is becoming an effective assertive communicator who knows how to negotiate. It is the only way you will have a healthy self-esteem, be strong in your identity as a person, and know how to get your needs met in a healthy way. If you don’t I can guarantee that you will end up frustrated, angry, and lonely in your relationship.

Below are two lists. The first one lists the benefits of being an effective assertive communicator and the second lists the 12 traits of an effective assertive communicator. As you read them ask yourself if these statements are true about you. If not you need to spend time becoming one before you enter into a relationship. Trust me the benefits far out way the time investment it takes to become one.

Benefits of being an Effective Assertive Communicator:

· It gives you confidence to communicate in every situation without fear or anxiety.
· It allows you to address issues in relationships as they arise; in a healthy manner.
· Makes it easier to problem solve and create win-win situations in relationships.
· Provides you with the power to control emotional outbursts during conflict situations.
· Reduces stress levels & promotes better health.
· Provides you the strength to communicate your needs.
· Gives you the confidence to build healthy boundaries and the strength to stay within them.
· Empowers you to achieve more in life, because you have a strong inner belief system.
· Enhances your self confidence.

12 Traits of an Effective Assertive Communicator:

1. You own your life and make decisions for yourself.
2. You communicate in a direct manner and know how to ask for what you want without feeling guilty.
3. You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.
4. You believe in yourself and don’t settle in life.
5. You are confident and know your value as a woman/man.
6. You know how to negotiate in order to create win-win outcomes.
7. You are goal oriented and you pursue your goals daily.
8. You feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
9. You make others feel valued and respected.
10. People know where you stand and they respect your boundaries.
11. You know your rights and protect them.
12. You are a positive influence in your world and others value your opinion.

If both partners are effective assertive communicators you will know how to negotiate and you will know how to create win-win outcomes that benefit both people. Otherwise you will end up frustrated and angry when you don’t share the same views on how you will spend your time, where you will live, and the family dynamics that will exist once you are married.

For example:

I have a friend who was frustrated for years because her husband appeared selfish and self centered. He loved to spend time with his friends fishing, hunting, and camping. When she was dating him these things didn’t bother her. She didn’t like these activities so she encouraged him to do them without her. Once they were married though, all of the sudden his activities annoyed her and she became increasingly depressed and angry whenever he did one of these activities without her.

When I asked her why she was angry this is what she said. “I don’t understand why he has to do those things? Why doesn’t he do more things that I enjoy? He knows I hate those activities but that doesn’t seem to matter to him. He is so selfish! When I try to talk to him he doesn’t listen. He is so immature! I don’t think he will ever grow up. I think we need to get divorced because there is no way I am ever going to like those things so there is no use in trying to make it work!”

These are the kinds of responses I get from men and women all the time. This is exactly why it is important to have a negotiable list and why it is important to communicate about them before you ever walk down the aisle. Men and women are different and you will never change that! They think differently, speak differently, and act differently. There is scientific proof that backs this up. This doesn’t mean they can’t have healthy, happy, and productive lives together but it will take time and effort on both of your parts to make that happen.

If a person wants to become an attorney they are willing to attend several years of college, spend countless hours studying, and they are willing to be mentored and trained by professionals in order to fulfill that desire. They obviously understand that their efforts will produce a desired result so they are willing to put in the hard work in the beginning to make it happen! Yet when it comes to relationships people don’t view it in the same way.

They think they are wise enough to do it on their own without much, if any, training or mentoring. This is ludicrous! Learning how to be healthy and how to have healthy relationships should be the most important priority next to your relationship with God. Becoming a healthy person benefits every relationship in your life! It teaches you how to communicate and how be in relationships with all people!

Someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you want different results you have to start doing things differently! The first and foremost important quality to look for in a mate is someone who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful! If they aren’t willing then they aren’t worth your time! As I said in a previous blog; your life has value and God has a desire to give you abundance in your life! You are not here by chance!

In the next blog I will go into this in more detail so that you have an understanding that will empower you to make the changes necessary to find a relationship that completes you. For now I want you to begin to write down the things you enjoy doing, your idea of vacations, your desire for where you want to live, your idea of family time, etc.

I also want you to spend more time reframing your idea of being single. Being single is an incredible gift as I said in a previous blog and if you can begin to understand this you will not feel lonely, sad, or desperate. You will value the gift of time that you have been given and you will cherish this gift as one of your most valuable possessions!

Dating Series - Part Three: How To Discover Non-Negotiable Core Values

In making your non-negotiable list you need to determine what is important to you that you know if you compromise, you will end up frustrated and unhappy in a relationship. The non-negotiable list is comprised of your core values, those things that are most important to you! Everyone has dreams, desires, and visions for their future but most people do not know how to achieve those because they have never tied them to their core values.

For example: I hear people say they want a mate who values family time and enjoys activities where the family can experience new things together. Almost every one of them has an imagined picture in their mind of what this looks like but they have no idea why they want it or how to find that quality in a mate. When I help them drill down to the core reason they want this one of two things usually is discovered: Either they never experienced that growing up and deeply desire it or they did experience it and want to recreate it for their children. Both are good reasons for wanting that in a relationship but neither is reason enough for them to stick to that desire when they are searching for a mate. At this point it is only a desire not a non-negotiable core value.

Let me explain further:

Example One: Never experienced it growing up and have a deep desire for it.

Having a desire based out of lack from past experience drives a person to fill the voids of their past. In order for this to become a non-negotiable core value the person needs to heal from their past loss first. If they don’t the desire is not really their driving force for their current expectation. It is merely a longing to fill a void that has caused them pain in the past. What you need to realize is that the imagined expectation if this is the case will always be greater than the reality of your mate’s ability to meet it. You will never find contentment if this is the reason you are looking for this quality in a mate.

If you discover you have unresolved wounds from the past you get to decide what path of healing you will take to overcome them. You may find the answers in a book, through prayer and counsel, through online helps, in a counselor’s office, with the aid of a life coach, etc.. The method you choose has to meet your personality and need and for each person the path is different. What is the same for all people is how you view those tools and techniques of healing. God has given many people incredible gifts of helping people navigate through life’s challenges. Those gifts were never meant to become a crutch that inhibits you from becoming whole and healthy and able to walk in healing.

I see so many people become focused on their past that they never move into their future because they continually live their present in memories of past pain. This is the wrong approach for getting help. If you want to become a healthy person use the tools necessary to get you to a place of wholeness and move on. Don’t turn a cul-de-sac into a dead end! Sometimes we need to veer off life’s path and get help but only for a season, never for an extended stay. So be very careful when you choose your path of healing. It is also important to remember that being single is a great time to get healing because you are afforded the time to do it. Again this something you need to re-frame in your mind when you think of being single. Being single gives you the gift of time for you to become the authentic you! Don’t ever forget that!

After you have healed from your past pain you can then begin to examine if this is really a core value or not. Some people find that after they heal from their pain certain values are no longer on their top ten list. It surprises them every time this happens because before getting healed they would have argued these were core values and extremely important qualities to have in a mate. Our minds have an incredible ability to deceive us if we have not healed from our past. Most people only survive their past, they don’t heal and there is a huge difference!

If a quality is still very important after the process of healing has taken place it is very likely that the quality is a non-negotiable core value. The next thing to do if this is the case is to quantify your expectations. If you find a mate who does share this value then it is important to talk about what that looks like. In this case it would be to determine what kind of family activities you both have in mind and make sure you are likeminded. If your idea of family activity is going to an amusement park and his/hers is going camping, there could be a problem. The good news is that both activities would fall into the negotiable category and would just require you to discuss the topic further. This is not a big deal because the big deal is the core value of spending family time together doing activities and exploring new places. I hope this is making sense. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions about this.

Example Two: You did experience it as a child and you want to re-create it for your children.

Having a desire based out of a good memory of a past experience can lead to disillusionment as well if it is the only reason you want this quality in a mate and here’s why. Your mind files memories just like computers file information. When you remember an event that was tied to an emotion that event becomes real again in your mind when you experience similar circumstances. For example have you ever been somewhere and you smell something that reminds you of your childhood? This happens to me all the time when I go to the fair. I smell the food and instantly I am transported back in time in my memory to the days my family spent going to the fair. These were good memories and it is an exhilarating feeling when I have one of them.

When I created my non-negotiable list family time was one of my core values. I wanted a spouse who loved family time and wanted to discover new places together. We both determined that we held the same value so I was able to put a check mark next to this value on the list. When we talked about our negotiable list and the kinds of activities we wanted to do as a family the fair was at the top of my list because I did have great childhood memories of it.

My husband likes to go to the fair but I had to remember that I would never be able to recreate the memories I had growing up with my family. It is a different place and time and our family dynamics are different. So in order to avoid disappointment I would need to approach the event with a new mindset and not a mindset of comparison if I wanted it to be a fun activity for the family.

If I didn’t do that I would have been frustrated every time we went to the fair because I would be subconsciously comparing our current activity to the former activity from my childhood. I was able to reframe it because I had done the hard work before we got married. Now when we go to the fair I am able to be in the moment and create our own memories for our children.

Another benefit of having compatible core values is being able to face life's challenges without losing hope if life throws you a curve ball. When a core value is shared and something unexpected happens you are able to reframe it and stay focused on the positive instead of being derailed by the negative event.

For example:

Three months after we were married my husband got hurt on the job and went through 7 surgeries on his arm over the course of a year and a half. This event changed our family dynamic and it limited our ability to do family activities. Though disheartening the inability to do regular family activities did not cause division in our marriage because we knew that it wasn’t a matter of not valuing family time, it was a matter of not being able to physically do it.

This realization created a peaceful environment and patience in all of us and we went into a time of envisioning what our family would do together once we were through the trial. It was difficult at times but what we learned to do was to reframe our situation instead of allowing the situation to reframe us. This is a key reason for being likeminded with your mate.

I hope you are beginning to see the difference in a core value and a wishful desire based out of a good past memory. A core value creates a win-win scenario in life when you understand it and protect it whereas a wishful desire only creates an atmosphere of wishing that is not built on a solid foundation of truth.

In order to discover your non-negotiable core values begin to write them down and then begin the process of drilling down to the truths that surround them. After you have done these two things share this list with a person who is wise and can question you about it. This will help you solidify them and identify areas you may need to address.

In the next blog I will talk about the negotiable list.