In making your non-negotiable list you need to determine what is important to you that you know if you compromise, you will end up frustrated and unhappy in a relationship. The non-negotiable list is comprised of your core values, those things that are most important to you! Everyone has dreams, desires, and visions for their future but most people do not know how to achieve those because they have never tied them to their core values.
For example: I hear people say they want a mate who values family time and enjoys activities where the family can experience new things together. Almost every one of them has an imagined picture in their mind of what this looks like but they have no idea why they want it or how to find that quality in a mate. When I help them drill down to the core reason they want this one of two things usually is discovered: Either they never experienced that growing up and deeply desire it or they did experience it and want to recreate it for their children. Both are good reasons for wanting that in a relationship but neither is reason enough for them to stick to that desire when they are searching for a mate. At this point it is only a desire not a non-negotiable core value.
Let me explain further:
Example One: Never experienced it growing up and have a deep desire for it.
Having a desire based out of lack from past experience drives a person to fill the voids of their past. In order for this to become a non-negotiable core value the person needs to heal from their past loss first. If they don’t the desire is not really their driving force for their current expectation. It is merely a longing to fill a void that has caused them pain in the past. What you need to realize is that the imagined expectation if this is the case will always be greater than the reality of your mate’s ability to meet it. You will never find contentment if this is the reason you are looking for this quality in a mate.
If you discover you have unresolved wounds from the past you get to decide what path of healing you will take to overcome them. You may find the answers in a book, through prayer and counsel, through online helps, in a counselor’s office, with the aid of a life coach, etc.. The method you choose has to meet your personality and need and for each person the path is different. What is the same for all people is how you view those tools and techniques of healing. God has given many people incredible gifts of helping people navigate through life’s challenges. Those gifts were never meant to become a crutch that inhibits you from becoming whole and healthy and able to walk in healing.
I see so many people become focused on their past that they never move into their future because they continually live their present in memories of past pain. This is the wrong approach for getting help. If you want to become a healthy person use the tools necessary to get you to a place of wholeness and move on. Don’t turn a cul-de-sac into a dead end! Sometimes we need to veer off life’s path and get help but only for a season, never for an extended stay. So be very careful when you choose your path of healing. It is also important to remember that being single is a great time to get healing because you are afforded the time to do it. Again this something you need to re-frame in your mind when you think of being single. Being single gives you the gift of time for you to become the authentic you! Don’t ever forget that!
After you have healed from your past pain you can then begin to examine if this is really a core value or not. Some people find that after they heal from their pain certain values are no longer on their top ten list. It surprises them every time this happens because before getting healed they would have argued these were core values and extremely important qualities to have in a mate. Our minds have an incredible ability to deceive us if we have not healed from our past. Most people only survive their past, they don’t heal and there is a huge difference!
If a quality is still very important after the process of healing has taken place it is very likely that the quality is a non-negotiable core value. The next thing to do if this is the case is to quantify your expectations. If you find a mate who does share this value then it is important to talk about what that looks like. In this case it would be to determine what kind of family activities you both have in mind and make sure you are likeminded. If your idea of family activity is going to an amusement park and his/hers is going camping, there could be a problem. The good news is that both activities would fall into the negotiable category and would just require you to discuss the topic further. This is not a big deal because the big deal is the core value of spending family time together doing activities and exploring new places. I hope this is making sense. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions about this.
Example Two: You did experience it as a child and you want to re-create it for your children.
Having a desire based out of a good memory of a past experience can lead to disillusionment as well if it is the only reason you want this quality in a mate and here’s why. Your mind files memories just like computers file information. When you remember an event that was tied to an emotion that event becomes real again in your mind when you experience similar circumstances. For example have you ever been somewhere and you smell something that reminds you of your childhood? This happens to me all the time when I go to the fair. I smell the food and instantly I am transported back in time in my memory to the days my family spent going to the fair. These were good memories and it is an exhilarating feeling when I have one of them.
When I created my non-negotiable list family time was one of my core values. I wanted a spouse who loved family time and wanted to discover new places together. We both determined that we held the same value so I was able to put a check mark next to this value on the list. When we talked about our negotiable list and the kinds of activities we wanted to do as a family the fair was at the top of my list because I did have great childhood memories of it.
My husband likes to go to the fair but I had to remember that I would never be able to recreate the memories I had growing up with my family. It is a different place and time and our family dynamics are different. So in order to avoid disappointment I would need to approach the event with a new mindset and not a mindset of comparison if I wanted it to be a fun activity for the family.
If I didn’t do that I would have been frustrated every time we went to the fair because I would be subconsciously comparing our current activity to the former activity from my childhood. I was able to reframe it because I had done the hard work before we got married. Now when we go to the fair I am able to be in the moment and create our own memories for our children.
Another benefit of having compatible core values is being able to face life's challenges without losing hope if life throws you a curve ball. When a core value is shared and something unexpected happens you are able to reframe it and stay focused on the positive instead of being derailed by the negative event.
For example:
Three months after we were married my husband got hurt on the job and went through 7 surgeries on his arm over the course of a year and a half. This event changed our family dynamic and it limited our ability to do family activities. Though disheartening the inability to do regular family activities did not cause division in our marriage because we knew that it wasn’t a matter of not valuing family time, it was a matter of not being able to physically do it.
This realization created a peaceful environment and patience in all of us and we went into a time of envisioning what our family would do together once we were through the trial. It was difficult at times but what we learned to do was to reframe our situation instead of allowing the situation to reframe us. This is a key reason for being likeminded with your mate.
I hope you are beginning to see the difference in a core value and a wishful desire based out of a good past memory. A core value creates a win-win scenario in life when you understand it and protect it whereas a wishful desire only creates an atmosphere of wishing that is not built on a solid foundation of truth.
In order to discover your non-negotiable core values begin to write them down and then begin the process of drilling down to the truths that surround them. After you have done these two things share this list with a person who is wise and can question you about it. This will help you solidify them and identify areas you may need to address.
In the next blog I will talk about the negotiable list.
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