Dating Series - Part 2 - The Non-Negotiable List

After reading my last blog you may be wondering what the importance is of having these two lists. In this blog I am going to explain the Non-Negotiable list because it is the most important of the two. When you are dating you will have many options when it comes to people you can date, but after creating this list you will soon realize that having many options does not mean you have many choices. Let me explain.

Thousands of people are searching for a mate within a few mile radius of your house. Whether you are looking for a conventional way to meet people, such as church, school, club, etc. or whether you are searching online for Mr/Miss Right you will be looking for someone you can connect with in person. There are some people that have long distant online relationships but those people are the exception, not the rule. So knowing there are thousands of people out there searching, you have a multitude of options when you are partner shopping. The non-negotiable list turns options into choices! I know it can be lonely at times when you are single but always remember this: it is better to be single, healthy, content, and at peace, than to be in a relationship that is tumultuous and painful.

A non-negotiable list will help you eliminate those people who are not worthy of further attention and effort. For example if you have a non-negotiable that says, “They have to be willing to study about things that make a relationship healthy” and you meet someone who doesn’t value self improvement information, you can immediately cross them off your list. If having a partner who values learning and growth is extremely important to you, why would you continue to try and make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t share that same value?

Too often people get caught up in the “butterfly” stage of a relationship in the beginning and they base their values on emotion driven hormones and not on intelligent reasoning. Don’t get me wrong, being attracted to a person is extremely important but that alone does not make for a stable and long lasting relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship both parties need to be healthy or at least be willing to become healthy during the courtship stage and throughout the marriage.

When I tell people that it is important to learn a person’s values in the beginning of the relationship most of them tell me that it is too hard to ask these questions because they feel awkward and they are afraid that it will turn the other person off. I just shake my head when they say this because these same people are willing to physically connect with the person, give them access to their house; they allow them to drive their car, hang out with their family and kids, etc. without knowing any real history about the person.

In essence they are willing to sell themselves on the clearance rack of life because they have never placed value on themselves, their family, or their sexuality. These people are desperate for attention, affection, and acceptance, but they don’t realize that the very things they desire the most will never be reciprocated over time unless they learn how to place high value on them in the beginning. A mate worthy of your time and effort is a mate that places value on your life and your relationship. It is not someone who makes demands, withholds communication, and avoids personal growth.

A wise person knows their worth and value and they expect people to treat them with respect. They do not fear rejection or worry about making someone uncomfortable with asking the important questions. They place high value on the other person as well and they know that it is just as unfair to waste their potential partner’s time if they know the relationship is not going anywhere. A wise person takes responsibility for their life and they have healthy boundaries.

Here is how the list works in action. On the first night I met my husband something inside of me told me he was the one, but I didn’t know for sure because a relationship takes two and if he didn’t share my values I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him. I knew that my life had great value and I knew that I was a person worthy of love, respect, kindness, etc. and I wasn’t interested in any person who didn’t place high value on me.

Being a “Christ-centered individual” was on my non-negotiable list. When I found out he was a Christian I began asking him questions because that title has various meanings. I needed to know what he believed and how he viewed his relationship with God. I knew what I was looking for in a mate and I knew his answers to my questions would give me insight to his values.

At first he thought I was overly curious but I didn’t care because I knew what I was looking for. We talked for several hours that night and the next day. On our second night together we had a great time but I made sure I made time to ask more questions and as we talked he began to ask me questions. On our third night together I realized that I really liked him so I knew that I had to go to another important non-negotiable.

I suffered trauma in past relationships due to different things that hurt me and after those relationships I learned to put boundaries in place so I would not choose another man with those same issues. On my non-negotiable list were questions that pertained to some of those things. If I knew what things were out of bounds for me in past relationships then I had a responsibility in this relationship to make sure this guy didn’t view those things as reasonable and acceptable.

I then asked him to share everything with me that he would typically wait to share with someone until further in the relationship. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights! At first he didn’t know what to say. Believe me there was a moment of silence and it was very uncomfortable for both of us. But in my mind I wanted to know everything because I had three children to think about. If this was not a guy who I would one day want involved in their lives then it wasn’t worth wasting both of our time trying to make a relationship work between us. If you do not have children but want them in the future you need to have this same mindset too. The person you choose will have an influence on your children so knowing their values is very important!

When he was finished sharing I shared. Then we looked at each other and at that moment we had a choice to make. Were the things we heard acceptable or were they deal breakers? We had to decide if the things we valued were also important to the other person. For the things that didn’t quite align with our values we had to ask the other person if they were willing to discuss them further later on. We had to determine if we were likeminded and if the pursuit of a relationship was worth our time and effort. We both had to make a decision.

If one of us would have walked away from that night never to call the other person again then it would have been a blessing in disguise because we would have ended up hurting each other later on anyway! Fortunately for both of us this wasn’t the case! We knew at that moment that God had a purpose for our relationship and we wanted to continue pursuing a dating relationship. We then entered the discovery stage of relationship which I will address in another blog.

What I really want you to understand in this blog is that life is too short to waste your time investing in a relationship that will drain your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical banks and leave you feeling empty! Your life has value and God has a purpose for it! He wants to grant you the desire of your heart and He wants to give you abundance in a relationship! He doesn’t want you to settle and to give your heart, mind, soul, and body to a person who is going to hurt you or doesn’t value your convictions. It is important for you to begin to reframe dating if you want to find the mate who completes you!

If you are really seeking a mate for life it is time for you to get healthy, discover your values, and set boundaries in place that will keep your heart, mind, and emotions safe! If you don’t do this no one else will and I can guarantee that you will end up wounded and disappointed every time. You might be thinking this is too much to think about in the beginning of the relationship but I want you to know that if it isn’t something that you think about and apply, you will struggle every time your partner does or says something that contradicts your core values.

So you may be asking yourself how do I know what my non-negotiable values are and how do I set boundaries when I do make this list so I don’t sell myself short in a relationship? In the next blog I will define core values and help you begin to understand yours.