I remember the days when I wasn’t dating anyone and I didn’t think I would ever find the right person. During those times I would pray and ask God to bring the right man into my life who would complete me and who wanted to share his life with me. One day when I was praying a voice spoke to me. I believe it was the voice of the Holy Spirit. It said, “If the right man came into your life right now you would not be ready to receive him. Take a look at your life and become healthy so that you will be ready when he comes.” Instantly I was reminded of the movie “The Field of Dreams” and how Kevin Costner built a baseball field after hearing a voice in the corn field saying, “If you build it he will come.”
Last night I watched the movie again and it inspired me to write this blog. Most people who are single are eager to be in a relationship. They have dreams and desires for their future and they want someone to share them with. A day comes when they decide it is time to go looking for their mate. If you remember in the movie Ray built the baseball diamond before he went looking for the people who would complete the vision. Essentially what he did was lay the foundation and believed that one day the vision would be completed and in the end it was.
So you might be asking yourself what this has to do with dating. Well the truth is that unless you have a solid foundation of self-worth, purpose, beliefs, and character, within you your foundation is faulty and if you build a relationship it will fall apart! If you want the vision completed and you want a solid relationship you have to build a solid foundation within yourself first!
It is time to date yourself! I know that may sound strange but it is the only way to prepare yourself for the mate that will complete you. Couples tell me all the time that they are frustrated that their mate won’t go to counseling or they won’t attend a small group, or they refuse to share their pain in order to release it and move forward. The list goes on and on. These things usually come after a few years when the person realizes there are huge problems and strain in the relationship. It usually comes as an act of desperation to save a relationship!
So I want to challenge you today to make a list of criteria for what you desire in a mate. I call this the non-negotiable and negotiable list. Write down your top ten things that you are not willing to negotiate on in a relationship or marriage. Then write down the top ten things that are important but that you are willing to negotiate if your partner does not hold the same value or importance for that item. Below is an example.
Non- Negotiable List
1. Must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and have a desire to live a Christ-centered life.
2. Has dealt with past wounds and issues that could potentially lead to future problems.
3. Has addressed their bent towards addictions and understands the importance of being open and honest in areas where they struggle.
4. Is a purpose driven person who has a vision for our future. Wants to incorporate his/her family in that purpose and vision.
5. Knows and accepts the love of God because I understand that someone can’t give something of themselves that they don’t own for themselves.
6. Has a solid self-esteem and doesn’t need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better.
7. Is an effective assertive communicator and creates win-win outcomes when faced with conflict or trials.
8. Understands the importance of respecting people’s boundaries and they have healthy boundaries in place in their life.
9. Respects my body and if they marry me the will have the desire to be intimate and to share sexual topics with me. They enjoy sex and have dealt with past sexual issues because I understand if they don’t, it will lead to problems in our marriage. I understand that what is not released and healed is repeated and painful.
10. Has a desire to be a mom/dad and is willing to study healthy parenting skills because kids are important to me and I understand the impact that my spouse will have on our children.
Negotiable List
1. Enjoys the theatre and likes to go to concerts or live entertainment.
2. Likes to travel
3. Is willing to stay in this city
4. Likes the foods I like
5. Enjoys social gatherings
6. Likes to hike and camp
7. Likes sports and racing
8. Is playful and likes surprises
9. Likes to volunteer
10. Is a neat person and doesn’t like messes
These two lists can be a blue print for you to begin making your lists. In the non-negotiable list are examples that should be deal breakers for you. These are Core values that you know will at some point cause major turmoil and problems if your mate does not hold the same values. These are also things that you need to address in your own life so that you know how to identify these traits in a mate. If you haven’t worked these things out for yourself you have no right whining later if they become issues. Being single is your time to build a solid foundation within yourself as I said earlier.
The divorce rate continues to rise and more and more people are frustrated, defeated, and lonely in their marriages. I believe this is true because too many people married for the wrong reasons and because they didn’t do the hard work before they got married, they are suffering the consequences for their choices.
In this series I want to help you re-frame being single so you have a better chance of staying married once you are. Being single is a gift and God has a purpose for it!
Keep this verse in mind as you follow this blog. “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” Proverbs 3:5 & 6. Amplified Version
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