The greatest benefit of being single is you get to write your own story and you get to shop for a mate who adds adventure, mystery, fun, and joy, etc. to your life. As I said in an earlier blog there are thousands of people searching for a mate in your area. Yet so many people end up settling after dating only a few people because they don’t think Mr./Miss Right is out there. Then after a few months or years they are frustrated and angry. They feel like they have lost their identity and they have given up so many of their own interests because their mate didn’t value them. They feel lost!
This doesn’t have to be the case! But in order to avoid it you will have to learn how to communicate your wants and desires in a healthy way. You will also need to learn how to become a negotiator and an effective assertive communicator. I teach a class on how to become these in depth but for this blog I am going to highlight some of the key points. I believe the lack of, or inability to communicate is the number one cause of all relationship break down. I also believe if people would spend more time in the beginning of the relationship learning how to communicate, fewer relationships would end in ruin.
There are hundreds of books written about relationships but the majority of them deal with how to please your mate, how to meet your mate’s needs, and how to get what you want in a relationship. But few of them address communication skills in depth. I talk to people all the time that read these kinds of books, apply the techniques, and still end up breaking up with their mate because the techniques didn’t work. There is a very popular Christian book on the shelves right now that tells people dozens of ways to make their relationship better by doing little things like making a surprise dinner or sending them flowers when it’s not a holiday, etc. These are great things but if your mate doesn’t value those things you will be frustrated because your gesture may not be received the way you were hoping it would.
If you want a healthy relationship you will need to become healthy and a part of being healthy is becoming an effective assertive communicator who knows how to negotiate. It is the only way you will have a healthy self-esteem, be strong in your identity as a person, and know how to get your needs met in a healthy way. If you don’t I can guarantee that you will end up frustrated, angry, and lonely in your relationship.
Below are two lists. The first one lists the benefits of being an effective assertive communicator and the second lists the 12 traits of an effective assertive communicator. As you read them ask yourself if these statements are true about you. If not you need to spend time becoming one before you enter into a relationship. Trust me the benefits far out way the time investment it takes to become one.
Benefits of being an Effective Assertive Communicator:
· It allows you to address issues in relationships as they arise; in a healthy manner.
· Makes it easier to problem solve and create win-win situations in relationships.
· Provides you with the power to control emotional outbursts during conflict situations.
· Reduces stress levels & promotes better health.
· Provides you the strength to communicate your needs.
· Gives you the confidence to build healthy boundaries and the strength to stay within them.
· Empowers you to achieve more in life, because you have a strong inner belief system.
· Enhances your self confidence.
12 Traits of an Effective Assertive Communicator:
1. You own your life and make decisions for yourself.
2. You communicate in a direct manner and know how to ask for what you want without feeling guilty.
3. You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.
4. You believe in yourself and don’t settle in life.
5. You are confident and know your value as a woman/man.
6. You know how to negotiate in order to create win-win outcomes.
7. You are goal oriented and you pursue your goals daily.
8. You feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
9. You make others feel valued and respected.
10. People know where you stand and they respect your boundaries.
11. You know your rights and protect them.
12. You are a positive influence in your world and others value your opinion.
If both partners are effective assertive communicators you will know how to negotiate and you will know how to create win-win outcomes that benefit both people. Otherwise you will end up frustrated and angry when you don’t share the same views on how you will spend your time, where you will live, and the family dynamics that will exist once you are married.
For example:
I have a friend who was frustrated for years because her husband appeared selfish and self centered. He loved to spend time with his friends fishing, hunting, and camping. When she was dating him these things didn’t bother her. She didn’t like these activities so she encouraged him to do them without her. Once they were married though, all of the sudden his activities annoyed her and she became increasingly depressed and angry whenever he did one of these activities without her.
When I asked her why she was angry this is what she said. “I don’t understand why he has to do those things? Why doesn’t he do more things that I enjoy? He knows I hate those activities but that doesn’t seem to matter to him. He is so selfish! When I try to talk to him he doesn’t listen. He is so immature! I don’t think he will ever grow up. I think we need to get divorced because there is no way I am ever going to like those things so there is no use in trying to make it work!”
These are the kinds of responses I get from men and women all the time. This is exactly why it is important to have a negotiable list and why it is important to communicate about them before you ever walk down the aisle. Men and women are different and you will never change that! They think differently, speak differently, and act differently. There is scientific proof that backs this up. This doesn’t mean they can’t have healthy, happy, and productive lives together but it will take time and effort on both of your parts to make that happen.
If a person wants to become an attorney they are willing to attend several years of college, spend countless hours studying, and they are willing to be mentored and trained by professionals in order to fulfill that desire. They obviously understand that their efforts will produce a desired result so they are willing to put in the hard work in the beginning to make it happen! Yet when it comes to relationships people don’t view it in the same way.
They think they are wise enough to do it on their own without much, if any, training or mentoring. This is ludicrous! Learning how to be healthy and how to have healthy relationships should be the most important priority next to your relationship with God. Becoming a healthy person benefits every relationship in your life! It teaches you how to communicate and how be in relationships with all people!
Someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you want different results you have to start doing things differently! The first and foremost important quality to look for in a mate is someone who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful! If they aren’t willing then they aren’t worth your time! As I said in a previous blog; your life has value and God has a desire to give you abundance in your life! You are not here by chance!
In the next blog I will go into this in more detail so that you have an understanding that will empower you to make the changes necessary to find a relationship that completes you. For now I want you to begin to write down the things you enjoy doing, your idea of vacations, your desire for where you want to live, your idea of family time, etc.
I also want you to spend more time reframing your idea of being single. Being single is an incredible gift as I said in a previous blog and if you can begin to understand this you will not feel lonely, sad, or desperate. You will value the gift of time that you have been given and you will cherish this gift as one of your most valuable possessions!
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