Dating Series - Part Four - The Negotiable List

Making the negotiable list is similar to making the non-negotiable list except these are not things that are deal breakers if your mate does not hold the same ideals as you do. For instance if enjoy social gatherings but your mate doesn’t like crowds this could potentially pose a problem if it is not discussed during the courtship and discovery stage of dating. Another example would be if your mate’s idea of a vacation is camping, fishing, and hiking, and your idea is going to New York City to shop, attend Musicals, and eat at fine restaurants.

The greatest benefit of being single is you get to write your own story and you get to shop for a mate who adds adventure, mystery, fun, and joy, etc. to your life. As I said in an earlier blog there are thousands of people searching for a mate in your area. Yet so many people end up settling after dating only a few people because they don’t think Mr./Miss Right is out there. Then after a few months or years they are frustrated and angry. They feel like they have lost their identity and they have given up so many of their own interests because their mate didn’t value them. They feel lost!

This doesn’t have to be the case! But in order to avoid it you will have to learn how to communicate your wants and desires in a healthy way. You will also need to learn how to become a negotiator and an effective assertive communicator. I teach a class on how to become these in depth but for this blog I am going to highlight some of the key points. I believe the lack of, or inability to communicate is the number one cause of all relationship break down. I also believe if people would spend more time in the beginning of the relationship learning how to communicate, fewer relationships would end in ruin.

There are hundreds of books written about relationships but the majority of them deal with how to please your mate, how to meet your mate’s needs, and how to get what you want in a relationship. But few of them address communication skills in depth. I talk to people all the time that read these kinds of books, apply the techniques, and still end up breaking up with their mate because the techniques didn’t work. There is a very popular Christian book on the shelves right now that tells people dozens of ways to make their relationship better by doing little things like making a surprise dinner or sending them flowers when it’s not a holiday, etc. These are great things but if your mate doesn’t value those things you will be frustrated because your gesture may not be received the way you were hoping it would.

If you want a healthy relationship you will need to become healthy and a part of being healthy is becoming an effective assertive communicator who knows how to negotiate. It is the only way you will have a healthy self-esteem, be strong in your identity as a person, and know how to get your needs met in a healthy way. If you don’t I can guarantee that you will end up frustrated, angry, and lonely in your relationship.

Below are two lists. The first one lists the benefits of being an effective assertive communicator and the second lists the 12 traits of an effective assertive communicator. As you read them ask yourself if these statements are true about you. If not you need to spend time becoming one before you enter into a relationship. Trust me the benefits far out way the time investment it takes to become one.

Benefits of being an Effective Assertive Communicator:

· It gives you confidence to communicate in every situation without fear or anxiety.
· It allows you to address issues in relationships as they arise; in a healthy manner.
· Makes it easier to problem solve and create win-win situations in relationships.
· Provides you with the power to control emotional outbursts during conflict situations.
· Reduces stress levels & promotes better health.
· Provides you the strength to communicate your needs.
· Gives you the confidence to build healthy boundaries and the strength to stay within them.
· Empowers you to achieve more in life, because you have a strong inner belief system.
· Enhances your self confidence.

12 Traits of an Effective Assertive Communicator:

1. You own your life and make decisions for yourself.
2. You communicate in a direct manner and know how to ask for what you want without feeling guilty.
3. You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.
4. You believe in yourself and don’t settle in life.
5. You are confident and know your value as a woman/man.
6. You know how to negotiate in order to create win-win outcomes.
7. You are goal oriented and you pursue your goals daily.
8. You feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
9. You make others feel valued and respected.
10. People know where you stand and they respect your boundaries.
11. You know your rights and protect them.
12. You are a positive influence in your world and others value your opinion.

If both partners are effective assertive communicators you will know how to negotiate and you will know how to create win-win outcomes that benefit both people. Otherwise you will end up frustrated and angry when you don’t share the same views on how you will spend your time, where you will live, and the family dynamics that will exist once you are married.

For example:

I have a friend who was frustrated for years because her husband appeared selfish and self centered. He loved to spend time with his friends fishing, hunting, and camping. When she was dating him these things didn’t bother her. She didn’t like these activities so she encouraged him to do them without her. Once they were married though, all of the sudden his activities annoyed her and she became increasingly depressed and angry whenever he did one of these activities without her.

When I asked her why she was angry this is what she said. “I don’t understand why he has to do those things? Why doesn’t he do more things that I enjoy? He knows I hate those activities but that doesn’t seem to matter to him. He is so selfish! When I try to talk to him he doesn’t listen. He is so immature! I don’t think he will ever grow up. I think we need to get divorced because there is no way I am ever going to like those things so there is no use in trying to make it work!”

These are the kinds of responses I get from men and women all the time. This is exactly why it is important to have a negotiable list and why it is important to communicate about them before you ever walk down the aisle. Men and women are different and you will never change that! They think differently, speak differently, and act differently. There is scientific proof that backs this up. This doesn’t mean they can’t have healthy, happy, and productive lives together but it will take time and effort on both of your parts to make that happen.

If a person wants to become an attorney they are willing to attend several years of college, spend countless hours studying, and they are willing to be mentored and trained by professionals in order to fulfill that desire. They obviously understand that their efforts will produce a desired result so they are willing to put in the hard work in the beginning to make it happen! Yet when it comes to relationships people don’t view it in the same way.

They think they are wise enough to do it on their own without much, if any, training or mentoring. This is ludicrous! Learning how to be healthy and how to have healthy relationships should be the most important priority next to your relationship with God. Becoming a healthy person benefits every relationship in your life! It teaches you how to communicate and how be in relationships with all people!

Someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you want different results you have to start doing things differently! The first and foremost important quality to look for in a mate is someone who is willing to do the hard work to make the relationship successful! If they aren’t willing then they aren’t worth your time! As I said in a previous blog; your life has value and God has a desire to give you abundance in your life! You are not here by chance!

In the next blog I will go into this in more detail so that you have an understanding that will empower you to make the changes necessary to find a relationship that completes you. For now I want you to begin to write down the things you enjoy doing, your idea of vacations, your desire for where you want to live, your idea of family time, etc.

I also want you to spend more time reframing your idea of being single. Being single is an incredible gift as I said in a previous blog and if you can begin to understand this you will not feel lonely, sad, or desperate. You will value the gift of time that you have been given and you will cherish this gift as one of your most valuable possessions!

Dating Series - Part Three: How To Discover Non-Negotiable Core Values

In making your non-negotiable list you need to determine what is important to you that you know if you compromise, you will end up frustrated and unhappy in a relationship. The non-negotiable list is comprised of your core values, those things that are most important to you! Everyone has dreams, desires, and visions for their future but most people do not know how to achieve those because they have never tied them to their core values.

For example: I hear people say they want a mate who values family time and enjoys activities where the family can experience new things together. Almost every one of them has an imagined picture in their mind of what this looks like but they have no idea why they want it or how to find that quality in a mate. When I help them drill down to the core reason they want this one of two things usually is discovered: Either they never experienced that growing up and deeply desire it or they did experience it and want to recreate it for their children. Both are good reasons for wanting that in a relationship but neither is reason enough for them to stick to that desire when they are searching for a mate. At this point it is only a desire not a non-negotiable core value.

Let me explain further:

Example One: Never experienced it growing up and have a deep desire for it.

Having a desire based out of lack from past experience drives a person to fill the voids of their past. In order for this to become a non-negotiable core value the person needs to heal from their past loss first. If they don’t the desire is not really their driving force for their current expectation. It is merely a longing to fill a void that has caused them pain in the past. What you need to realize is that the imagined expectation if this is the case will always be greater than the reality of your mate’s ability to meet it. You will never find contentment if this is the reason you are looking for this quality in a mate.

If you discover you have unresolved wounds from the past you get to decide what path of healing you will take to overcome them. You may find the answers in a book, through prayer and counsel, through online helps, in a counselor’s office, with the aid of a life coach, etc.. The method you choose has to meet your personality and need and for each person the path is different. What is the same for all people is how you view those tools and techniques of healing. God has given many people incredible gifts of helping people navigate through life’s challenges. Those gifts were never meant to become a crutch that inhibits you from becoming whole and healthy and able to walk in healing.

I see so many people become focused on their past that they never move into their future because they continually live their present in memories of past pain. This is the wrong approach for getting help. If you want to become a healthy person use the tools necessary to get you to a place of wholeness and move on. Don’t turn a cul-de-sac into a dead end! Sometimes we need to veer off life’s path and get help but only for a season, never for an extended stay. So be very careful when you choose your path of healing. It is also important to remember that being single is a great time to get healing because you are afforded the time to do it. Again this something you need to re-frame in your mind when you think of being single. Being single gives you the gift of time for you to become the authentic you! Don’t ever forget that!

After you have healed from your past pain you can then begin to examine if this is really a core value or not. Some people find that after they heal from their pain certain values are no longer on their top ten list. It surprises them every time this happens because before getting healed they would have argued these were core values and extremely important qualities to have in a mate. Our minds have an incredible ability to deceive us if we have not healed from our past. Most people only survive their past, they don’t heal and there is a huge difference!

If a quality is still very important after the process of healing has taken place it is very likely that the quality is a non-negotiable core value. The next thing to do if this is the case is to quantify your expectations. If you find a mate who does share this value then it is important to talk about what that looks like. In this case it would be to determine what kind of family activities you both have in mind and make sure you are likeminded. If your idea of family activity is going to an amusement park and his/hers is going camping, there could be a problem. The good news is that both activities would fall into the negotiable category and would just require you to discuss the topic further. This is not a big deal because the big deal is the core value of spending family time together doing activities and exploring new places. I hope this is making sense. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions about this.

Example Two: You did experience it as a child and you want to re-create it for your children.

Having a desire based out of a good memory of a past experience can lead to disillusionment as well if it is the only reason you want this quality in a mate and here’s why. Your mind files memories just like computers file information. When you remember an event that was tied to an emotion that event becomes real again in your mind when you experience similar circumstances. For example have you ever been somewhere and you smell something that reminds you of your childhood? This happens to me all the time when I go to the fair. I smell the food and instantly I am transported back in time in my memory to the days my family spent going to the fair. These were good memories and it is an exhilarating feeling when I have one of them.

When I created my non-negotiable list family time was one of my core values. I wanted a spouse who loved family time and wanted to discover new places together. We both determined that we held the same value so I was able to put a check mark next to this value on the list. When we talked about our negotiable list and the kinds of activities we wanted to do as a family the fair was at the top of my list because I did have great childhood memories of it.

My husband likes to go to the fair but I had to remember that I would never be able to recreate the memories I had growing up with my family. It is a different place and time and our family dynamics are different. So in order to avoid disappointment I would need to approach the event with a new mindset and not a mindset of comparison if I wanted it to be a fun activity for the family.

If I didn’t do that I would have been frustrated every time we went to the fair because I would be subconsciously comparing our current activity to the former activity from my childhood. I was able to reframe it because I had done the hard work before we got married. Now when we go to the fair I am able to be in the moment and create our own memories for our children.

Another benefit of having compatible core values is being able to face life's challenges without losing hope if life throws you a curve ball. When a core value is shared and something unexpected happens you are able to reframe it and stay focused on the positive instead of being derailed by the negative event.

For example:

Three months after we were married my husband got hurt on the job and went through 7 surgeries on his arm over the course of a year and a half. This event changed our family dynamic and it limited our ability to do family activities. Though disheartening the inability to do regular family activities did not cause division in our marriage because we knew that it wasn’t a matter of not valuing family time, it was a matter of not being able to physically do it.

This realization created a peaceful environment and patience in all of us and we went into a time of envisioning what our family would do together once we were through the trial. It was difficult at times but what we learned to do was to reframe our situation instead of allowing the situation to reframe us. This is a key reason for being likeminded with your mate.

I hope you are beginning to see the difference in a core value and a wishful desire based out of a good past memory. A core value creates a win-win scenario in life when you understand it and protect it whereas a wishful desire only creates an atmosphere of wishing that is not built on a solid foundation of truth.

In order to discover your non-negotiable core values begin to write them down and then begin the process of drilling down to the truths that surround them. After you have done these two things share this list with a person who is wise and can question you about it. This will help you solidify them and identify areas you may need to address.

In the next blog I will talk about the negotiable list.

Dating Series - Part 2 - The Non-Negotiable List

After reading my last blog you may be wondering what the importance is of having these two lists. In this blog I am going to explain the Non-Negotiable list because it is the most important of the two. When you are dating you will have many options when it comes to people you can date, but after creating this list you will soon realize that having many options does not mean you have many choices. Let me explain.

Thousands of people are searching for a mate within a few mile radius of your house. Whether you are looking for a conventional way to meet people, such as church, school, club, etc. or whether you are searching online for Mr/Miss Right you will be looking for someone you can connect with in person. There are some people that have long distant online relationships but those people are the exception, not the rule. So knowing there are thousands of people out there searching, you have a multitude of options when you are partner shopping. The non-negotiable list turns options into choices! I know it can be lonely at times when you are single but always remember this: it is better to be single, healthy, content, and at peace, than to be in a relationship that is tumultuous and painful.

A non-negotiable list will help you eliminate those people who are not worthy of further attention and effort. For example if you have a non-negotiable that says, “They have to be willing to study about things that make a relationship healthy” and you meet someone who doesn’t value self improvement information, you can immediately cross them off your list. If having a partner who values learning and growth is extremely important to you, why would you continue to try and make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t share that same value?

Too often people get caught up in the “butterfly” stage of a relationship in the beginning and they base their values on emotion driven hormones and not on intelligent reasoning. Don’t get me wrong, being attracted to a person is extremely important but that alone does not make for a stable and long lasting relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship both parties need to be healthy or at least be willing to become healthy during the courtship stage and throughout the marriage.

When I tell people that it is important to learn a person’s values in the beginning of the relationship most of them tell me that it is too hard to ask these questions because they feel awkward and they are afraid that it will turn the other person off. I just shake my head when they say this because these same people are willing to physically connect with the person, give them access to their house; they allow them to drive their car, hang out with their family and kids, etc. without knowing any real history about the person.

In essence they are willing to sell themselves on the clearance rack of life because they have never placed value on themselves, their family, or their sexuality. These people are desperate for attention, affection, and acceptance, but they don’t realize that the very things they desire the most will never be reciprocated over time unless they learn how to place high value on them in the beginning. A mate worthy of your time and effort is a mate that places value on your life and your relationship. It is not someone who makes demands, withholds communication, and avoids personal growth.

A wise person knows their worth and value and they expect people to treat them with respect. They do not fear rejection or worry about making someone uncomfortable with asking the important questions. They place high value on the other person as well and they know that it is just as unfair to waste their potential partner’s time if they know the relationship is not going anywhere. A wise person takes responsibility for their life and they have healthy boundaries.

Here is how the list works in action. On the first night I met my husband something inside of me told me he was the one, but I didn’t know for sure because a relationship takes two and if he didn’t share my values I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him. I knew that my life had great value and I knew that I was a person worthy of love, respect, kindness, etc. and I wasn’t interested in any person who didn’t place high value on me.

Being a “Christ-centered individual” was on my non-negotiable list. When I found out he was a Christian I began asking him questions because that title has various meanings. I needed to know what he believed and how he viewed his relationship with God. I knew what I was looking for in a mate and I knew his answers to my questions would give me insight to his values.

At first he thought I was overly curious but I didn’t care because I knew what I was looking for. We talked for several hours that night and the next day. On our second night together we had a great time but I made sure I made time to ask more questions and as we talked he began to ask me questions. On our third night together I realized that I really liked him so I knew that I had to go to another important non-negotiable.

I suffered trauma in past relationships due to different things that hurt me and after those relationships I learned to put boundaries in place so I would not choose another man with those same issues. On my non-negotiable list were questions that pertained to some of those things. If I knew what things were out of bounds for me in past relationships then I had a responsibility in this relationship to make sure this guy didn’t view those things as reasonable and acceptable.

I then asked him to share everything with me that he would typically wait to share with someone until further in the relationship. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights! At first he didn’t know what to say. Believe me there was a moment of silence and it was very uncomfortable for both of us. But in my mind I wanted to know everything because I had three children to think about. If this was not a guy who I would one day want involved in their lives then it wasn’t worth wasting both of our time trying to make a relationship work between us. If you do not have children but want them in the future you need to have this same mindset too. The person you choose will have an influence on your children so knowing their values is very important!

When he was finished sharing I shared. Then we looked at each other and at that moment we had a choice to make. Were the things we heard acceptable or were they deal breakers? We had to decide if the things we valued were also important to the other person. For the things that didn’t quite align with our values we had to ask the other person if they were willing to discuss them further later on. We had to determine if we were likeminded and if the pursuit of a relationship was worth our time and effort. We both had to make a decision.

If one of us would have walked away from that night never to call the other person again then it would have been a blessing in disguise because we would have ended up hurting each other later on anyway! Fortunately for both of us this wasn’t the case! We knew at that moment that God had a purpose for our relationship and we wanted to continue pursuing a dating relationship. We then entered the discovery stage of relationship which I will address in another blog.

What I really want you to understand in this blog is that life is too short to waste your time investing in a relationship that will drain your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical banks and leave you feeling empty! Your life has value and God has a purpose for it! He wants to grant you the desire of your heart and He wants to give you abundance in a relationship! He doesn’t want you to settle and to give your heart, mind, soul, and body to a person who is going to hurt you or doesn’t value your convictions. It is important for you to begin to reframe dating if you want to find the mate who completes you!

If you are really seeking a mate for life it is time for you to get healthy, discover your values, and set boundaries in place that will keep your heart, mind, and emotions safe! If you don’t do this no one else will and I can guarantee that you will end up wounded and disappointed every time. You might be thinking this is too much to think about in the beginning of the relationship but I want you to know that if it isn’t something that you think about and apply, you will struggle every time your partner does or says something that contradicts your core values.

So you may be asking yourself how do I know what my non-negotiable values are and how do I set boundaries when I do make this list so I don’t sell myself short in a relationship? In the next blog I will define core values and help you begin to understand yours.

Dating Series - Part One - Are You Ready to Find Your Mate?

I remember the days when I wasn’t dating anyone and I didn’t think I would ever find the right person. During those times I would pray and ask God to bring the right man into my life who would complete me and who wanted to share his life with me. One day when I was praying a voice spoke to me. I believe it was the voice of the Holy Spirit. It said, “If the right man came into your life right now you would not be ready to receive him. Take a look at your life and become healthy so that you will be ready when he comes.” Instantly I was reminded of the movie “The Field of Dreams” and how Kevin Costner built a baseball field after hearing a voice in the corn field saying, “If you build it he will come.”

Last night I watched the movie again and it inspired me to write this blog. Most people who are single are eager to be in a relationship. They have dreams and desires for their future and they want someone to share them with. A day comes when they decide it is time to go looking for their mate. If you remember in the movie Ray built the baseball diamond before he went looking for the people who would complete the vision. Essentially what he did was lay the foundation and believed that one day the vision would be completed and in the end it was.

So you might be asking yourself what this has to do with dating. Well the truth is that unless you have a solid foundation of self-worth, purpose, beliefs, and character, within you your foundation is faulty and if you build a relationship it will fall apart! If you want the vision completed and you want a solid relationship you have to build a solid foundation within yourself first!

It is time to date yourself! I know that may sound strange but it is the only way to prepare yourself for the mate that will complete you. Couples tell me all the time that they are frustrated that their mate won’t go to counseling or they won’t attend a small group, or they refuse to share their pain in order to release it and move forward. The list goes on and on. These things usually come after a few years when the person realizes there are huge problems and strain in the relationship. It usually comes as an act of desperation to save a relationship!

So I want to challenge you today to make a list of criteria for what you desire in a mate. I call this the non-negotiable and negotiable list. Write down your top ten things that you are not willing to negotiate on in a relationship or marriage. Then write down the top ten things that are important but that you are willing to negotiate if your partner does not hold the same value or importance for that item. Below is an example.

Non- Negotiable List

1. Must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and have a desire to live a Christ-centered life.
2. Has dealt with past wounds and issues that could potentially lead to future problems.
3. Has addressed their bent towards addictions and understands the importance of being open and honest in areas where they struggle.
4. Is a purpose driven person who has a vision for our future. Wants to incorporate his/her family in that purpose and vision.
5. Knows and accepts the love of God because I understand that someone can’t give something of themselves that they don’t own for themselves.
6. Has a solid self-esteem and doesn’t need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better.
7. Is an effective assertive communicator and creates win-win outcomes when faced with conflict or trials.
8. Understands the importance of respecting people’s boundaries and they have healthy boundaries in place in their life.
9. Respects my body and if they marry me the will have the desire to be intimate and to share sexual topics with me. They enjoy sex and have dealt with past sexual issues because I understand if they don’t, it will lead to problems in our marriage. I understand that what is not released and healed is repeated and painful.
10. Has a desire to be a mom/dad and is willing to study healthy parenting skills because kids are important to me and I understand the impact that my spouse will have on our children.

Negotiable List

1. Enjoys the theatre and likes to go to concerts or live entertainment.
2. Likes to travel
3. Is willing to stay in this city
4. Likes the foods I like
5. Enjoys social gatherings
6. Likes to hike and camp
7. Likes sports and racing
8. Is playful and likes surprises
9. Likes to volunteer
10. Is a neat person and doesn’t like messes

These two lists can be a blue print for you to begin making your lists. In the non-negotiable list are examples that should be deal breakers for you. These are Core values that you know will at some point cause major turmoil and problems if your mate does not hold the same values. These are also things that you need to address in your own life so that you know how to identify these traits in a mate. If you haven’t worked these things out for yourself you have no right whining later if they become issues. Being single is your time to build a solid foundation within yourself as I said earlier.

The divorce rate continues to rise and more and more people are frustrated, defeated, and lonely in their marriages. I believe this is true because too many people married for the wrong reasons and because they didn’t do the hard work before they got married, they are suffering the consequences for their choices.

In this series I want to help you re-frame being single so you have a better chance of staying married once you are. Being single is a gift and God has a purpose for it!

Keep this verse in mind as you follow this blog. “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” Proverbs 3:5 & 6. Amplified Version