After reading my last blog you may be wondering what the importance is of having these two lists. In this blog I am going to explain the Non-Negotiable list because it is the most important of the two. When you are dating you will have many options when it comes to people you can date, but after creating this list you will soon realize that having many options does not mean you have many choices. Let me explain.
Thousands of people are searching for a mate within a few mile radius of your house. Whether you are looking for a conventional way to meet people, such as church, school, club, etc. or whether you are searching online for Mr/Miss Right you will be looking for someone you can connect with in person. There are some people that have long distant online relationships but those people are the exception, not the rule. So knowing there are thousands of people out there searching, you have a multitude of options when you are partner shopping. The non-negotiable list turns options into choices! I know it can be lonely at times when you are single but always remember this: it is better to be single, healthy, content, and at peace, than to be in a relationship that is tumultuous and painful.
A non-negotiable list will help you eliminate those people who are not worthy of further attention and effort. For example if you have a non-negotiable that says, “They have to be willing to study about things that make a relationship healthy” and you meet someone who doesn’t value self improvement information, you can immediately cross them off your list. If having a partner who values learning and growth is extremely important to you, why would you continue to try and make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t share that same value?
Too often people get caught up in the “butterfly” stage of a relationship in the beginning and they base their values on emotion driven hormones and not on intelligent reasoning. Don’t get me wrong, being attracted to a person is extremely important but that alone does not make for a stable and long lasting relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship both parties need to be healthy or at least be willing to become healthy during the courtship stage and throughout the marriage.
When I tell people that it is important to learn a person’s values in the beginning of the relationship most of them tell me that it is too hard to ask these questions because they feel awkward and they are afraid that it will turn the other person off. I just shake my head when they say this because these same people are willing to physically connect with the person, give them access to their house; they allow them to drive their car, hang out with their family and kids, etc. without knowing any real history about the person.
In essence they are willing to sell themselves on the clearance rack of life because they have never placed value on themselves, their family, or their sexuality. These people are desperate for attention, affection, and acceptance, but they don’t realize that the very things they desire the most will never be reciprocated over time unless they learn how to place high value on them in the beginning. A mate worthy of your time and effort is a mate that places value on your life and your relationship. It is not someone who makes demands, withholds communication, and avoids personal growth.
A wise person knows their worth and value and they expect people to treat them with respect. They do not fear rejection or worry about making someone uncomfortable with asking the important questions. They place high value on the other person as well and they know that it is just as unfair to waste their potential partner’s time if they know the relationship is not going anywhere. A wise person takes responsibility for their life and they have healthy boundaries.
Here is how the list works in action. On the first night I met my husband something inside of me told me he was the one, but I didn’t know for sure because a relationship takes two and if he didn’t share my values I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him. I knew that my life had great value and I knew that I was a person worthy of love, respect, kindness, etc. and I wasn’t interested in any person who didn’t place high value on me.
Being a “Christ-centered individual” was on my non-negotiable list. When I found out he was a Christian I began asking him questions because that title has various meanings. I needed to know what he believed and how he viewed his relationship with God. I knew what I was looking for in a mate and I knew his answers to my questions would give me insight to his values.
At first he thought I was overly curious but I didn’t care because I knew what I was looking for. We talked for several hours that night and the next day. On our second night together we had a great time but I made sure I made time to ask more questions and as we talked he began to ask me questions. On our third night together I realized that I really liked him so I knew that I had to go to another important non-negotiable.
I suffered trauma in past relationships due to different things that hurt me and after those relationships I learned to put boundaries in place so I would not choose another man with those same issues. On my non-negotiable list were questions that pertained to some of those things. If I knew what things were out of bounds for me in past relationships then I had a responsibility in this relationship to make sure this guy didn’t view those things as reasonable and acceptable.
I then asked him to share everything with me that he would typically wait to share with someone until further in the relationship. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights! At first he didn’t know what to say. Believe me there was a moment of silence and it was very uncomfortable for both of us. But in my mind I wanted to know everything because I had three children to think about. If this was not a guy who I would one day want involved in their lives then it wasn’t worth wasting both of our time trying to make a relationship work between us. If you do not have children but want them in the future you need to have this same mindset too. The person you choose will have an influence on your children so knowing their values is very important!
When he was finished sharing I shared. Then we looked at each other and at that moment we had a choice to make. Were the things we heard acceptable or were they deal breakers? We had to decide if the things we valued were also important to the other person. For the things that didn’t quite align with our values we had to ask the other person if they were willing to discuss them further later on. We had to determine if we were likeminded and if the pursuit of a relationship was worth our time and effort. We both had to make a decision.
If one of us would have walked away from that night never to call the other person again then it would have been a blessing in disguise because we would have ended up hurting each other later on anyway! Fortunately for both of us this wasn’t the case! We knew at that moment that God had a purpose for our relationship and we wanted to continue pursuing a dating relationship. We then entered the discovery stage of relationship which I will address in another blog.
What I really want you to understand in this blog is that life is too short to waste your time investing in a relationship that will drain your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical banks and leave you feeling empty! Your life has value and God has a purpose for it! He wants to grant you the desire of your heart and He wants to give you abundance in a relationship! He doesn’t want you to settle and to give your heart, mind, soul, and body to a person who is going to hurt you or doesn’t value your convictions. It is important for you to begin to reframe dating if you want to find the mate who completes you!
If you are really seeking a mate for life it is time for you to get healthy, discover your values, and set boundaries in place that will keep your heart, mind, and emotions safe! If you don’t do this no one else will and I can guarantee that you will end up wounded and disappointed every time. You might be thinking this is too much to think about in the beginning of the relationship but I want you to know that if it isn’t something that you think about and apply, you will struggle every time your partner does or says something that contradicts your core values.
So you may be asking yourself how do I know what my non-negotiable values are and how do I set boundaries when I do make this list so I don’t sell myself short in a relationship? In the next blog I will define core values and help you begin to understand yours.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Dating Series - Part One - Are You Ready to Find Your Mate?
I remember the days when I wasn’t dating anyone and I didn’t think I would ever find the right person. During those times I would pray and ask God to bring the right man into my life who would complete me and who wanted to share his life with me. One day when I was praying a voice spoke to me. I believe it was the voice of the Holy Spirit. It said, “If the right man came into your life right now you would not be ready to receive him. Take a look at your life and become healthy so that you will be ready when he comes.” Instantly I was reminded of the movie “The Field of Dreams” and how Kevin Costner built a baseball field after hearing a voice in the corn field saying, “If you build it he will come.”
Last night I watched the movie again and it inspired me to write this blog. Most people who are single are eager to be in a relationship. They have dreams and desires for their future and they want someone to share them with. A day comes when they decide it is time to go looking for their mate. If you remember in the movie Ray built the baseball diamond before he went looking for the people who would complete the vision. Essentially what he did was lay the foundation and believed that one day the vision would be completed and in the end it was.
So you might be asking yourself what this has to do with dating. Well the truth is that unless you have a solid foundation of self-worth, purpose, beliefs, and character, within you your foundation is faulty and if you build a relationship it will fall apart! If you want the vision completed and you want a solid relationship you have to build a solid foundation within yourself first!
It is time to date yourself! I know that may sound strange but it is the only way to prepare yourself for the mate that will complete you. Couples tell me all the time that they are frustrated that their mate won’t go to counseling or they won’t attend a small group, or they refuse to share their pain in order to release it and move forward. The list goes on and on. These things usually come after a few years when the person realizes there are huge problems and strain in the relationship. It usually comes as an act of desperation to save a relationship!
So I want to challenge you today to make a list of criteria for what you desire in a mate. I call this the non-negotiable and negotiable list. Write down your top ten things that you are not willing to negotiate on in a relationship or marriage. Then write down the top ten things that are important but that you are willing to negotiate if your partner does not hold the same value or importance for that item. Below is an example.
Non- Negotiable List
1. Must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and have a desire to live a Christ-centered life.
2. Has dealt with past wounds and issues that could potentially lead to future problems.
3. Has addressed their bent towards addictions and understands the importance of being open and honest in areas where they struggle.
4. Is a purpose driven person who has a vision for our future. Wants to incorporate his/her family in that purpose and vision.
5. Knows and accepts the love of God because I understand that someone can’t give something of themselves that they don’t own for themselves.
6. Has a solid self-esteem and doesn’t need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better.
7. Is an effective assertive communicator and creates win-win outcomes when faced with conflict or trials.
8. Understands the importance of respecting people’s boundaries and they have healthy boundaries in place in their life.
9. Respects my body and if they marry me the will have the desire to be intimate and to share sexual topics with me. They enjoy sex and have dealt with past sexual issues because I understand if they don’t, it will lead to problems in our marriage. I understand that what is not released and healed is repeated and painful.
10. Has a desire to be a mom/dad and is willing to study healthy parenting skills because kids are important to me and I understand the impact that my spouse will have on our children.
Negotiable List
1. Enjoys the theatre and likes to go to concerts or live entertainment.
2. Likes to travel
3. Is willing to stay in this city
4. Likes the foods I like
5. Enjoys social gatherings
6. Likes to hike and camp
7. Likes sports and racing
8. Is playful and likes surprises
9. Likes to volunteer
10. Is a neat person and doesn’t like messes
These two lists can be a blue print for you to begin making your lists. In the non-negotiable list are examples that should be deal breakers for you. These are Core values that you know will at some point cause major turmoil and problems if your mate does not hold the same values. These are also things that you need to address in your own life so that you know how to identify these traits in a mate. If you haven’t worked these things out for yourself you have no right whining later if they become issues. Being single is your time to build a solid foundation within yourself as I said earlier.
The divorce rate continues to rise and more and more people are frustrated, defeated, and lonely in their marriages. I believe this is true because too many people married for the wrong reasons and because they didn’t do the hard work before they got married, they are suffering the consequences for their choices.
In this series I want to help you re-frame being single so you have a better chance of staying married once you are. Being single is a gift and God has a purpose for it!
Keep this verse in mind as you follow this blog. “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” Proverbs 3:5 & 6. Amplified Version
Last night I watched the movie again and it inspired me to write this blog. Most people who are single are eager to be in a relationship. They have dreams and desires for their future and they want someone to share them with. A day comes when they decide it is time to go looking for their mate. If you remember in the movie Ray built the baseball diamond before he went looking for the people who would complete the vision. Essentially what he did was lay the foundation and believed that one day the vision would be completed and in the end it was.
So you might be asking yourself what this has to do with dating. Well the truth is that unless you have a solid foundation of self-worth, purpose, beliefs, and character, within you your foundation is faulty and if you build a relationship it will fall apart! If you want the vision completed and you want a solid relationship you have to build a solid foundation within yourself first!
It is time to date yourself! I know that may sound strange but it is the only way to prepare yourself for the mate that will complete you. Couples tell me all the time that they are frustrated that their mate won’t go to counseling or they won’t attend a small group, or they refuse to share their pain in order to release it and move forward. The list goes on and on. These things usually come after a few years when the person realizes there are huge problems and strain in the relationship. It usually comes as an act of desperation to save a relationship!
So I want to challenge you today to make a list of criteria for what you desire in a mate. I call this the non-negotiable and negotiable list. Write down your top ten things that you are not willing to negotiate on in a relationship or marriage. Then write down the top ten things that are important but that you are willing to negotiate if your partner does not hold the same value or importance for that item. Below is an example.
Non- Negotiable List
1. Must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and have a desire to live a Christ-centered life.
2. Has dealt with past wounds and issues that could potentially lead to future problems.
3. Has addressed their bent towards addictions and understands the importance of being open and honest in areas where they struggle.
4. Is a purpose driven person who has a vision for our future. Wants to incorporate his/her family in that purpose and vision.
5. Knows and accepts the love of God because I understand that someone can’t give something of themselves that they don’t own for themselves.
6. Has a solid self-esteem and doesn’t need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better.
7. Is an effective assertive communicator and creates win-win outcomes when faced with conflict or trials.
8. Understands the importance of respecting people’s boundaries and they have healthy boundaries in place in their life.
9. Respects my body and if they marry me the will have the desire to be intimate and to share sexual topics with me. They enjoy sex and have dealt with past sexual issues because I understand if they don’t, it will lead to problems in our marriage. I understand that what is not released and healed is repeated and painful.
10. Has a desire to be a mom/dad and is willing to study healthy parenting skills because kids are important to me and I understand the impact that my spouse will have on our children.
Negotiable List
1. Enjoys the theatre and likes to go to concerts or live entertainment.
2. Likes to travel
3. Is willing to stay in this city
4. Likes the foods I like
5. Enjoys social gatherings
6. Likes to hike and camp
7. Likes sports and racing
8. Is playful and likes surprises
9. Likes to volunteer
10. Is a neat person and doesn’t like messes
These two lists can be a blue print for you to begin making your lists. In the non-negotiable list are examples that should be deal breakers for you. These are Core values that you know will at some point cause major turmoil and problems if your mate does not hold the same values. These are also things that you need to address in your own life so that you know how to identify these traits in a mate. If you haven’t worked these things out for yourself you have no right whining later if they become issues. Being single is your time to build a solid foundation within yourself as I said earlier.
The divorce rate continues to rise and more and more people are frustrated, defeated, and lonely in their marriages. I believe this is true because too many people married for the wrong reasons and because they didn’t do the hard work before they got married, they are suffering the consequences for their choices.
In this series I want to help you re-frame being single so you have a better chance of staying married once you are. Being single is a gift and God has a purpose for it!
Keep this verse in mind as you follow this blog. “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” Proverbs 3:5 & 6. Amplified Version
Monday, March 23, 2009
No God, No Understanding of Boundaries! Know God, Know Understanding of Boundaries! (Part Two)
In the last blog I left you with John 15:3-5 which says, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
In order for us to understand boundaries and the importance of staying within them, we have to understand this verse. When I think about a vine and its branches I think about the importance of the branch being connected to the vine in order for it to grow. If you cut the branch off it is impossible for it to continue growing. This understanding enabled me to redefine boundaries and to embrace them as a life giving nutrient that will cause me to grow and to live an abundant, fruit filled life, in all of my relationships!
Here is something I want you to understand before we go any further. When God formed you in your mother’s womb, He loved every part of you. He loved the good, the bad, and the ugly! He chose to love you knowing that you would walk in sin, hurt yourself and others, and knowing you would cross His boundaries of protection. His knowing these things did not cause him falter in His love for you. In fact, his knowledge of these things caused Him to pursue you even more. Your inability to live in relationship with God and man on your own was the reason He sent Christ to die on the Cross for you. It is also the reason He set boundaries of protection in place along the road of your life.
When I used to travel across country I traveled many windy mountain roads. Along those roads were guard rails. Those guard rails were placed there so that I would not go over the edge of the mountain. There were also speed limit signs along the road that told me the safe speed to travel for that section of road. Not one time when I traveled those roads did I question the validity of those guard rails or road signs. I accepted the reality that the road engineers did their homework. They calculated the safe guards that needed to be in place, to ensure my safety when I traveled those roads. Staying within those boundaries never seemed to be an issue for me.
When I started to investigate God’s boundaries I brought these experiences to mind because they gave me a new way of seeing God’s boundaries of protection for my life. I began to understand Proverbs 3:5,6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” I also began to understand Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
I began to see God as the engineer of the roads in my life. I began to reframe my past and asked God to show me the truth about the importance of staying within His boundaries. I asked Him to help me trust in Him the same way I trusted the men who created the guard rails and speed limit signs. This is when my vision of God’s boundaries became clear. This is when I started to realize that living by the principles of God’s Word instead of trying to keep the Law of His Word was my responsibility. If I allowed Christ to be the Lord of my life, then I would be able to stay within God’s boundaries. And if I crossed a boundary for whatever reason, God had a rescue team in place with a perfect plan of rescue for me! The rescue team consists of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, and the body of Christ. The rescue plan consists of God’s grace, mercy, truth, and deliverance. This understanding was liberating! It freed me from all of the shame and condemnation. Whenever I crossed a boundary it allowed me to see the opportunity to overcome and be victorious no matter what I did wrong.
In my relationships with people I began to see the importance of having boundaries. I made a list of the toxic and healthy people in my life. From those lists I began to weed out the people who were on the toxic side and I started cultivating the relationships with the healthy people. I began to look for people who would enhance my life by speaking truth, encouraging me, and loving me the way God loved me, warts and all. Today I am surrounded by people who I am grateful to have in my life.
In the area of choices I began to see toxic and healthy choices. I made a list of those as well. Instead of seeing the boundaries of God as inhibiting me from fun, I began to see them as protecting me from possible disaster. This is when I stopped drinking alcohol to get drunk. I have to admit that I used to love getting drunk! I loved the feeling and my mood when I was drunk. I did think that getting drunk displeased God and I somehow thought that He would punish me if I did it, but again, I had a skewed view of God and I didn’t understand why I shouldn’t drink for the purpose of getting drunk.
After reframing God’s boundaries in my mind, I realized that God wasn’t sitting on His throne watching me get drunk and setting up a team of disciplinarians to come down and punish me for my sin. I realized that my view of God was completely different than the truth about Him. I reframed the scenario in my mind first about the event of getting drunk and how God viewed me when I did. Here is how I did that.
I began to envision God sitting on His throne having a meeting with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They were brain storming on a plan of redemption for my sinful behavior. (For those of you who have a problem with me separating the Godhead for this, don’t let your mind go there. None of us will really know the truth about it until we get to Heaven so there is no need arguing over it on earth. Whatever you believe, believe it wholeheartedly, and walk in the power of your belief.) This is how I viewed it and that view delivered me from a dark lifestyle and produced the lasting fruit of the Holy Spirit operating in my life!
This is the picture I got of God. I saw Him having that meeting and I could almost hear Him saying something like this, “Okay, my precious and beautiful daughter Holly has crossed a boundary and this may cause her great harm. I need you to be in place at the exact moment when she will be in a quiet place so I can talk to her through you. When she gets there and is ready to listen I want you to tell her how much I love her and tell her that I have forgiven her through your blood at Calvary. Remind her that nothing she can do can separate her from my love. Tell her that my grace has been set in place for her and that when she wakes up in the morning my mercies will be new for her. Then I want you to bring a person or event in her life that will remind her of her worth and value to me. I want my people to go to her and help her get restored and healed from her false beliefs about me. Put angels of protection around her so the enemy can’t hit her with his fiery darts of shame and condemnation about her behavior. Alright its time! Go!”
I know that may seem like an odd thought to some of you but I believe that God communicates to us in this way because the Word says the Holy Spirit convicts the believer of their righteousness. God is constantly reminding us of our righteousness through Christ Jesus. I just believe we choose to listen to the enemy’s voice more than we listen to God’s and that is why it is so hard for many people to walk inside of the boundaries of God.
Here’s what God knew to be true about me getting drunk. God foreknew that getting drunk caused me to act in ways that would hurt me or others. He knew that it could cause me to die or cause me to drive drunk and kill another person. He knew alcohol caused me to gain weight and gave me bad headaches the day after I drank. He knew that when I got drunk I tended to put myself in risky situations that oftentimes I felt powerless to get out of. In His knowing, He loved me and pursued me anyway! He knew that one day my reality would catch up with His truth and I would gain wisdom and understanding about His boundaries in the area of drinking because He knew my heart. He never looked at the outside of my life. He only looked within. So He knew it was just a matter of time before I had a desire to live within His boundaries. He was right! When the day came when I gave my life completely over to Him in all areas, the desire to get drunk went away.
God knows every boundary that needs to be in place to ensure that we get to the destination of the desires of our hearts. Begin today and ask God to help you reframe his boundaries in your mind. He is faithful and He promises that when you seek Him you will find Him, when you seek Him with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13. Seek wisdom and understanding and you will begin to see understand God’s boundaries!
In order for us to understand boundaries and the importance of staying within them, we have to understand this verse. When I think about a vine and its branches I think about the importance of the branch being connected to the vine in order for it to grow. If you cut the branch off it is impossible for it to continue growing. This understanding enabled me to redefine boundaries and to embrace them as a life giving nutrient that will cause me to grow and to live an abundant, fruit filled life, in all of my relationships!
Here is something I want you to understand before we go any further. When God formed you in your mother’s womb, He loved every part of you. He loved the good, the bad, and the ugly! He chose to love you knowing that you would walk in sin, hurt yourself and others, and knowing you would cross His boundaries of protection. His knowing these things did not cause him falter in His love for you. In fact, his knowledge of these things caused Him to pursue you even more. Your inability to live in relationship with God and man on your own was the reason He sent Christ to die on the Cross for you. It is also the reason He set boundaries of protection in place along the road of your life.
When I used to travel across country I traveled many windy mountain roads. Along those roads were guard rails. Those guard rails were placed there so that I would not go over the edge of the mountain. There were also speed limit signs along the road that told me the safe speed to travel for that section of road. Not one time when I traveled those roads did I question the validity of those guard rails or road signs. I accepted the reality that the road engineers did their homework. They calculated the safe guards that needed to be in place, to ensure my safety when I traveled those roads. Staying within those boundaries never seemed to be an issue for me.
When I started to investigate God’s boundaries I brought these experiences to mind because they gave me a new way of seeing God’s boundaries of protection for my life. I began to understand Proverbs 3:5,6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” I also began to understand Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
I began to see God as the engineer of the roads in my life. I began to reframe my past and asked God to show me the truth about the importance of staying within His boundaries. I asked Him to help me trust in Him the same way I trusted the men who created the guard rails and speed limit signs. This is when my vision of God’s boundaries became clear. This is when I started to realize that living by the principles of God’s Word instead of trying to keep the Law of His Word was my responsibility. If I allowed Christ to be the Lord of my life, then I would be able to stay within God’s boundaries. And if I crossed a boundary for whatever reason, God had a rescue team in place with a perfect plan of rescue for me! The rescue team consists of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, and the body of Christ. The rescue plan consists of God’s grace, mercy, truth, and deliverance. This understanding was liberating! It freed me from all of the shame and condemnation. Whenever I crossed a boundary it allowed me to see the opportunity to overcome and be victorious no matter what I did wrong.
In my relationships with people I began to see the importance of having boundaries. I made a list of the toxic and healthy people in my life. From those lists I began to weed out the people who were on the toxic side and I started cultivating the relationships with the healthy people. I began to look for people who would enhance my life by speaking truth, encouraging me, and loving me the way God loved me, warts and all. Today I am surrounded by people who I am grateful to have in my life.
In the area of choices I began to see toxic and healthy choices. I made a list of those as well. Instead of seeing the boundaries of God as inhibiting me from fun, I began to see them as protecting me from possible disaster. This is when I stopped drinking alcohol to get drunk. I have to admit that I used to love getting drunk! I loved the feeling and my mood when I was drunk. I did think that getting drunk displeased God and I somehow thought that He would punish me if I did it, but again, I had a skewed view of God and I didn’t understand why I shouldn’t drink for the purpose of getting drunk.
After reframing God’s boundaries in my mind, I realized that God wasn’t sitting on His throne watching me get drunk and setting up a team of disciplinarians to come down and punish me for my sin. I realized that my view of God was completely different than the truth about Him. I reframed the scenario in my mind first about the event of getting drunk and how God viewed me when I did. Here is how I did that.
I began to envision God sitting on His throne having a meeting with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They were brain storming on a plan of redemption for my sinful behavior. (For those of you who have a problem with me separating the Godhead for this, don’t let your mind go there. None of us will really know the truth about it until we get to Heaven so there is no need arguing over it on earth. Whatever you believe, believe it wholeheartedly, and walk in the power of your belief.) This is how I viewed it and that view delivered me from a dark lifestyle and produced the lasting fruit of the Holy Spirit operating in my life!
This is the picture I got of God. I saw Him having that meeting and I could almost hear Him saying something like this, “Okay, my precious and beautiful daughter Holly has crossed a boundary and this may cause her great harm. I need you to be in place at the exact moment when she will be in a quiet place so I can talk to her through you. When she gets there and is ready to listen I want you to tell her how much I love her and tell her that I have forgiven her through your blood at Calvary. Remind her that nothing she can do can separate her from my love. Tell her that my grace has been set in place for her and that when she wakes up in the morning my mercies will be new for her. Then I want you to bring a person or event in her life that will remind her of her worth and value to me. I want my people to go to her and help her get restored and healed from her false beliefs about me. Put angels of protection around her so the enemy can’t hit her with his fiery darts of shame and condemnation about her behavior. Alright its time! Go!”
I know that may seem like an odd thought to some of you but I believe that God communicates to us in this way because the Word says the Holy Spirit convicts the believer of their righteousness. God is constantly reminding us of our righteousness through Christ Jesus. I just believe we choose to listen to the enemy’s voice more than we listen to God’s and that is why it is so hard for many people to walk inside of the boundaries of God.
Here’s what God knew to be true about me getting drunk. God foreknew that getting drunk caused me to act in ways that would hurt me or others. He knew that it could cause me to die or cause me to drive drunk and kill another person. He knew alcohol caused me to gain weight and gave me bad headaches the day after I drank. He knew that when I got drunk I tended to put myself in risky situations that oftentimes I felt powerless to get out of. In His knowing, He loved me and pursued me anyway! He knew that one day my reality would catch up with His truth and I would gain wisdom and understanding about His boundaries in the area of drinking because He knew my heart. He never looked at the outside of my life. He only looked within. So He knew it was just a matter of time before I had a desire to live within His boundaries. He was right! When the day came when I gave my life completely over to Him in all areas, the desire to get drunk went away.
God knows every boundary that needs to be in place to ensure that we get to the destination of the desires of our hearts. Begin today and ask God to help you reframe his boundaries in your mind. He is faithful and He promises that when you seek Him you will find Him, when you seek Him with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13. Seek wisdom and understanding and you will begin to see understand God’s boundaries!
No God, No Understanding of Boundaries! Know God, Know Understanding of Boundaries! Part One
As a child I didn't like boundaries. Boundaries to me were limits put on me to keep me from fun, excitement, discovery, and freedom. I thought that my parents, teachers, church, and adults in my life, were holding something from me. I somehow thought they knew something that I didn't and in their cruelty they wanted to keep me from it. For years I fought whenever a boundary was put into place. If a line was drawn, I crossed it! If a door was shut, I opened it. If I was told no, I fought until the answer was yes.
When I got my way I discovered that the thrill of victory was not so sweet. In fact, many times I discovered that the knowledge I gained from crossing over the boundary was a bitter reality that left me feeling lack more than feeling fulfilled! Being young and naive I didn't have the reasoning skills to understand what was taking place, and so I continued to cross every boundary in my life. As an adult I have looked back on my life and figured out where some of my rebellion came from and why I had false beliefs when it came to boundaries.
I was raised in a religion that had strict boundaries and many laws of Holiness that people had to follow in order to be in right standing with God. The sad thing was that I observed many of these people’s lives and found them to be as unhappy, if not more unhappy, than the so called heathens they spoke of. I couldn’t understand how people living outside of God’s boundaries and breaking the religious codes of conduct could be apparently more content, than those who stayed within the boundaries. So to say that I had a lot of confusion when it came to boundaries is an understatement! If God wanted me to live inside of the boundaries of His Word then why were His people so miserable living within them? And if living outside of them was so bad, then why were so many “heathens” apparently happy and prosperous in their unhealthy lifestyles?
Well, instead of seeking wisdom and understanding about this, I decided to keep breaking through the boundaries and here’s why. Even though I loved the people I went to church with, the so called heathens seemed to be more accepting of me than the Christians at the time. When I screwed up in life I was judged for my actions by the church and persecuted for opposing God. But when I screwed up in the world, the so called “heathens” still accepted me and loved me no matter what. They didn’t judge me, even if they didn’t like what I had done. In fact many times they embraced me.
So the confusion of living within boundaries became even more perplexing as time went on. I found myself becoming increasingly angry but didn’t know why. I started to turn my anger towards God as I saw Him as the unrealistic boundary setter and the cause of my pain whenever I got hurt from crossing one. Then at 15 I was so frustrated that I said, “God, if you are anything like your people, I want nothing to do with you.” I had a skewed view of God that left me feeling lonely and in a mental state of hopelessness.
For the next several years I lived outside of the boundaries in every area of my life. I alienated people who lived within them and turned my back on God and his people. When I came to the end of myself and finally had a “Come to Jesus” moment one day, my life changed completely. I had a wrestling match with God and I told Him of my disappointment and frustration. When I was done I felt a peace come over me that I can’t explain. Somehow I knew that my relationship with God would never be the same.
Over the next several years I began to discover the truth about God, not from man, but from opening the Word and studying. I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to make sense of my confusion. He was faithful and answered my prayers. In the area of boundaries, here is what I discovered in my study time that changed my life.
God has set boundaries in place to protect us not to punish us or keep us from fun and excitement. And when we cross a boundary God doesn’t look down at us and frown. He doesn’t condemn us and separate himself from us either. If we have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ God sees us through the blood of Christ, Holy and blameless in His sight no matter what we do. If He saw us any other way He would be a liar because He says that through Christ we have we have been made righteous. Being made righteous means we have right standing with God no matter what.
So if God doesn’t sit and judge us for crossing boundaries what’s wrong with crossing them? The answer can be found in 1 Corinthians 6:12 where Paul writes, “All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” Christ was the only man who could keep the Laws of God and when He died on the Cross He fulfilled the Law. At that moment our relationship with God was no longer dependent on us keeping the Laws of God. Our relationship with God became dependent on us accepting Christ as our Savior and allowing Him to live through us.
A whole new covenant relationship was birthed that day between God and His people. This changed everything! Paul understood this and if you read his writings you will discover the depth of his understanding for yourself. One definition of expedient is: useful, or effecting a desired result. Only God knows the desires of our hearts so He knows what will lead us to them or away from them. With this knowledge He sets boundaries in place to keep us from walking off the path that leads to those desires. If we stay within the boundaries we will end up at our desired destination but if we don’t, we will destroy the path or destroy ourselves along the way.
As a parent sets a boundary out of love for their child, so God sets boundaries for us out of love. If you can begin to view boundaries in this way you will find yourself wanting to stay within them instead of wanting to cross them. You will begin to see living within the boundaries of God as a blessing instead of a curse. You will find yourself embracing the them instead of trying to fight your way out of them. And the only way to live within the boundaries of God is through your relationship with Jesus Christ. You cannot do it on your own and if you try, you will find yourself angry and frustrated just like I did when I was a child.
Before I continue it is important to read John 15:3-5 which says, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
To be continued…………………………
When I got my way I discovered that the thrill of victory was not so sweet. In fact, many times I discovered that the knowledge I gained from crossing over the boundary was a bitter reality that left me feeling lack more than feeling fulfilled! Being young and naive I didn't have the reasoning skills to understand what was taking place, and so I continued to cross every boundary in my life. As an adult I have looked back on my life and figured out where some of my rebellion came from and why I had false beliefs when it came to boundaries.
I was raised in a religion that had strict boundaries and many laws of Holiness that people had to follow in order to be in right standing with God. The sad thing was that I observed many of these people’s lives and found them to be as unhappy, if not more unhappy, than the so called heathens they spoke of. I couldn’t understand how people living outside of God’s boundaries and breaking the religious codes of conduct could be apparently more content, than those who stayed within the boundaries. So to say that I had a lot of confusion when it came to boundaries is an understatement! If God wanted me to live inside of the boundaries of His Word then why were His people so miserable living within them? And if living outside of them was so bad, then why were so many “heathens” apparently happy and prosperous in their unhealthy lifestyles?
Well, instead of seeking wisdom and understanding about this, I decided to keep breaking through the boundaries and here’s why. Even though I loved the people I went to church with, the so called heathens seemed to be more accepting of me than the Christians at the time. When I screwed up in life I was judged for my actions by the church and persecuted for opposing God. But when I screwed up in the world, the so called “heathens” still accepted me and loved me no matter what. They didn’t judge me, even if they didn’t like what I had done. In fact many times they embraced me.
So the confusion of living within boundaries became even more perplexing as time went on. I found myself becoming increasingly angry but didn’t know why. I started to turn my anger towards God as I saw Him as the unrealistic boundary setter and the cause of my pain whenever I got hurt from crossing one. Then at 15 I was so frustrated that I said, “God, if you are anything like your people, I want nothing to do with you.” I had a skewed view of God that left me feeling lonely and in a mental state of hopelessness.
For the next several years I lived outside of the boundaries in every area of my life. I alienated people who lived within them and turned my back on God and his people. When I came to the end of myself and finally had a “Come to Jesus” moment one day, my life changed completely. I had a wrestling match with God and I told Him of my disappointment and frustration. When I was done I felt a peace come over me that I can’t explain. Somehow I knew that my relationship with God would never be the same.
Over the next several years I began to discover the truth about God, not from man, but from opening the Word and studying. I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to make sense of my confusion. He was faithful and answered my prayers. In the area of boundaries, here is what I discovered in my study time that changed my life.
God has set boundaries in place to protect us not to punish us or keep us from fun and excitement. And when we cross a boundary God doesn’t look down at us and frown. He doesn’t condemn us and separate himself from us either. If we have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ God sees us through the blood of Christ, Holy and blameless in His sight no matter what we do. If He saw us any other way He would be a liar because He says that through Christ we have we have been made righteous. Being made righteous means we have right standing with God no matter what.
So if God doesn’t sit and judge us for crossing boundaries what’s wrong with crossing them? The answer can be found in 1 Corinthians 6:12 where Paul writes, “All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” Christ was the only man who could keep the Laws of God and when He died on the Cross He fulfilled the Law. At that moment our relationship with God was no longer dependent on us keeping the Laws of God. Our relationship with God became dependent on us accepting Christ as our Savior and allowing Him to live through us.
A whole new covenant relationship was birthed that day between God and His people. This changed everything! Paul understood this and if you read his writings you will discover the depth of his understanding for yourself. One definition of expedient is: useful, or effecting a desired result. Only God knows the desires of our hearts so He knows what will lead us to them or away from them. With this knowledge He sets boundaries in place to keep us from walking off the path that leads to those desires. If we stay within the boundaries we will end up at our desired destination but if we don’t, we will destroy the path or destroy ourselves along the way.
As a parent sets a boundary out of love for their child, so God sets boundaries for us out of love. If you can begin to view boundaries in this way you will find yourself wanting to stay within them instead of wanting to cross them. You will begin to see living within the boundaries of God as a blessing instead of a curse. You will find yourself embracing the them instead of trying to fight your way out of them. And the only way to live within the boundaries of God is through your relationship with Jesus Christ. You cannot do it on your own and if you try, you will find yourself angry and frustrated just like I did when I was a child.
Before I continue it is important to read John 15:3-5 which says, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
To be continued…………………………
Sunday, March 1, 2009
No God, No Lasting Love! Know God, Know Lasting Love! (Part One)
We all know what love feels like. The emotion of love is intense and can be all consuming! From the love we feel for our family members to the love we feel towards our mate. Love takes on many forms throughout our lives and we use the word love in many settings and situations. I hear people say they love a certain kind of food, or they love a sports team, etc., and I’m sure they do, but is that really love? I hear teenagers tell me they love the person they are dating and I hear people say they love their job, but oftentimes that love shifts or ends due to a break up or a job loss; then they find themselves suffering emotions of sadness, bitterness, or anger. To be honest I don’t really think that most people understand what love truly is. The kind of love they know is more an affectionate emotion of temporary satisfaction, more than it is true love! I believe true and lasting love can only come from God as a fruit of the Spirit!
Many books have been written about the different kinds of love, Agape, Eros, Phileo, and Storge. Here are some definitions of each and some insight into their meaning.
Agapeo or Agape – This is unconditional love. This word is translated to mean charity. It means loving someone for their value as a child of God, not for what they do for you or give you. It is Godly love and when Jesus spoke of love this was the main description of love that He referred to. This kind of love can only come from God. (John 3:16). This love cannot be mustered up or demonstrated as an emotion of the soul. It is the fruit of the Spirit that Galatians 5 talks about.
Eros – I haven’t found this definition in Scripture but it is in Greek writings. The English translation would be erotic, as referring to sex. It is based mostly on physical traits. This is the kind of love that benefits the self. “This makes me feel good. This makes me happy. This makes me feel valued, etc.” It is a self centered love of sorts. This is the strong emotional attraction to another person. This emotion of love is natural and needed. Romantic love plays a big part in relationships, but this emotion of love comes and goes, and cannot stand alone and last, apart from Agape love being its grounding.
Phileo – This is love based on friendship. It is not sexual in meaning. The city of Philadelphia is called the “City of Brotherly Love” for instance. It is a give and take love, a love of admiration. Anyone can experience this kind of love. Another way to think of it is “Platonic love”. Usually both people benefit when Phileo love is present but just like Eros love, it cannot stand on its own over an extended period of time without being grounded in Agape love.
Storge – the love between family members. It is the kind of love a parent has for a child and vice versa. It is a committed, and a lot of times sacrificial, kind of love. It is an instinctual type of love. This love can be tainted if there is harm done to a family member, but most often, it is an unconditional, forgiving love shown towards family members.
We can experience all of these types of love in our relationships. If we want to have a fulfillment of them that will last a lifetime, we have to make sure that our “acts of love” are coming from our solid foundation with God, through our relationship with Jesus Christ. God has given each of these types of love to bring joy, peace, and abundance to us. Each type is a free gift that we can choose to walk in or not. God gave us the fulfillment of every type of love through Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
If we want to walk in the abundance of that love and experience the other types of love fully, we have to allow God’s love to envelope us and we have to understand that no matter what we do, God has a committed love for us. His Agape love does not change based on what we do, how we act, or how we think.
God’s Agape love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
God’s Agape love always protects us. (1 Corinthians 13)
Only God’s Agape love flowing through us can bring true fulfillment in life.
From that fulfillment we can walk in the other types of love, without growing weary and weak. This is only possible when those “acts of love” are an extension of God’s perfect love flowing through us by the power of His Holy Spirit. In our own strength we can muster up the energy to love in any form but we will soon find our strength waning and we will grow tired, when we suffer relationships difficulties and setbacks.
If you want to live a fulfilled life and have a love in you, that flows from the Spirit of God, it is time to become grounded in God’s perfect love for you. I know it may be scary for some of you if you have been wounded in a love relationship of any kind, but as you take this leap of faith remember 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” If you have a fear of loving because you have been hurt by someone you loved in the past, there is hope! My prayer is that you will come with me on this journey into understanding love from a different perspective. In order to begin this journey all you have to do accept God’s perfect love for you by faith and He will do the rest.
To be continued……………………………………
Many books have been written about the different kinds of love, Agape, Eros, Phileo, and Storge. Here are some definitions of each and some insight into their meaning.
Agapeo or Agape – This is unconditional love. This word is translated to mean charity. It means loving someone for their value as a child of God, not for what they do for you or give you. It is Godly love and when Jesus spoke of love this was the main description of love that He referred to. This kind of love can only come from God. (John 3:16). This love cannot be mustered up or demonstrated as an emotion of the soul. It is the fruit of the Spirit that Galatians 5 talks about.
Eros – I haven’t found this definition in Scripture but it is in Greek writings. The English translation would be erotic, as referring to sex. It is based mostly on physical traits. This is the kind of love that benefits the self. “This makes me feel good. This makes me happy. This makes me feel valued, etc.” It is a self centered love of sorts. This is the strong emotional attraction to another person. This emotion of love is natural and needed. Romantic love plays a big part in relationships, but this emotion of love comes and goes, and cannot stand alone and last, apart from Agape love being its grounding.
Phileo – This is love based on friendship. It is not sexual in meaning. The city of Philadelphia is called the “City of Brotherly Love” for instance. It is a give and take love, a love of admiration. Anyone can experience this kind of love. Another way to think of it is “Platonic love”. Usually both people benefit when Phileo love is present but just like Eros love, it cannot stand on its own over an extended period of time without being grounded in Agape love.
Storge – the love between family members. It is the kind of love a parent has for a child and vice versa. It is a committed, and a lot of times sacrificial, kind of love. It is an instinctual type of love. This love can be tainted if there is harm done to a family member, but most often, it is an unconditional, forgiving love shown towards family members.
We can experience all of these types of love in our relationships. If we want to have a fulfillment of them that will last a lifetime, we have to make sure that our “acts of love” are coming from our solid foundation with God, through our relationship with Jesus Christ. God has given each of these types of love to bring joy, peace, and abundance to us. Each type is a free gift that we can choose to walk in or not. God gave us the fulfillment of every type of love through Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
If we want to walk in the abundance of that love and experience the other types of love fully, we have to allow God’s love to envelope us and we have to understand that no matter what we do, God has a committed love for us. His Agape love does not change based on what we do, how we act, or how we think.
God’s Agape love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
God’s Agape love always protects us. (1 Corinthians 13)
Only God’s Agape love flowing through us can bring true fulfillment in life.
From that fulfillment we can walk in the other types of love, without growing weary and weak. This is only possible when those “acts of love” are an extension of God’s perfect love flowing through us by the power of His Holy Spirit. In our own strength we can muster up the energy to love in any form but we will soon find our strength waning and we will grow tired, when we suffer relationships difficulties and setbacks.
If you want to live a fulfilled life and have a love in you, that flows from the Spirit of God, it is time to become grounded in God’s perfect love for you. I know it may be scary for some of you if you have been wounded in a love relationship of any kind, but as you take this leap of faith remember 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” If you have a fear of loving because you have been hurt by someone you loved in the past, there is hope! My prayer is that you will come with me on this journey into understanding love from a different perspective. In order to begin this journey all you have to do accept God’s perfect love for you by faith and He will do the rest.
To be continued……………………………………
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
No God, No Lasting Joy! Know God, Know Lasting Joy!
We all know what joy feels like. There are many times in life when we experience joy in relationships. The initial joy is what I like to call the “Butterfly” feeling. That is when your stomach gets in knots just at the thought of the person you are in relationship with. We anticipate the time we will get to spend with them and dream about what our relationship will become over time. If we meet a potential mate we anticipate what it would be like to build a future together. If we start a new job we anticipate building great relationships with our coworkers. When we have children we anticipate the joy that will come when we spend time with them as they are growing up. At first this emotion of joy seems complete and we can’t imagine anything ever taking it away. But as we all know, oftentimes that joy is short lived, as the reality of life sets in. The joy doesn’t go away completely but it definitely fades from its original intensity.
In a relationship with a significant other the things we found intriguing and cute in the beginning usually end up driving us crazy the more we spend time with that person. When the rose colored glasses come off we begin to get annoyed at them and begin to draw back with our emotion of joy. This is very natural and it happens to all of us in every relationship we have. From relationships with our parents, coworkers, kids, spouses, etc., every person experiences different phases of joy. There is a reason for this and if we can understand it, we will be able to experience true inner joy, in all of our relationships, even the difficult ones.
Let me explain something about joy. The emotion of joy can cease at any moment, like the times in life when we get bad news or someone hurts our feelings. We have all experienced this. Our emotions are God given and we experience different emotions at different times. But what I want you to understand is that we are the ones who waver and change, and we replace our emotion of joy with an emotion of despair, based on our circumstances. This joy is the emotion of joy that comes from our soul man. But there is another joy that we have access to as Christians that does not change in the midst of relationship difficulties, and that joy is the joy that comes from our spirit man. The Spirit of God does not change based on our circumstances in life! God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. When we have a Spirit controlled temperament our joy cannot be taken away no matter what difficulties we face in life. Now here is the difference!
Galatians 5 says that joy is a fruit of the Spirit and the only way to experience lasting joy in all of our relationships, from the good ones to the bad ones, is to have our joy coming from our spirit man and not our soul. One of the most important things for a believer to understand is that the fruit of the Spirit is not an emotion for us to muster up and control. It is in the giving up control to the Spirit of God where we will see the fruit of joy operating in our lives on a consistent basis.
God’s promise of joy as a fruit of the Spirit does not wane and His joy is everlasting and constant, even in the midst of our relationship difficulties! In fact, we have a promise from God in Psalm 94:18, 19 that says, “When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” NIV The Lord consoles us in our times of grief and trouble and that consolation is meant to bring joy to our souls; but only if we hold onto the promise of joy as a fruit of the Spirit and not just as an emotion of the soul. When we have the fruit of the Spirit operating in our lives, our circumstances and relationship problems won’t overwhelm us to the point where we lose our faith or our identity in the process of experiencing a relational problem.
When we become more intimately acquainted with God on a personal level we will begin to understand the difference between the fruit of the Spirit and the emotions of the soul. This insight will take us to a new level of understanding God’s character and His Word. We also have to remember John 15:16 when Jesus says, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.” NKJV and in the NIV it says, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.”
Here is the choice the believer has to make. Who are we going to give the control of our lives to? Are we going to give over control to our soul and be tossed back and forth in our emotions depending on what we experience? Or are we going to give over the control of our emotions to the Holy Spirit and experience the fruit of joy that will last as Jesus promised? Today the choice is ours. I want to encourage you to seek wisdom and understanding in this area. If you do, you will be blessed. Let me leave you with this passage.
Proverbs 3:13 – 26:
Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, In her left hand riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, And all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her. The LORD by wisdom founded the earth; By understanding He established the heavens; By His knowledge the depths were broken up, And clouds drop down the dew. My son, let them not depart from your eyes— Keep sound wisdom and discretion; So they will be life to your soul And grace to your neck. Then you will walk safely in your way, And your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror, Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes; For the LORD will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught.
In a relationship with a significant other the things we found intriguing and cute in the beginning usually end up driving us crazy the more we spend time with that person. When the rose colored glasses come off we begin to get annoyed at them and begin to draw back with our emotion of joy. This is very natural and it happens to all of us in every relationship we have. From relationships with our parents, coworkers, kids, spouses, etc., every person experiences different phases of joy. There is a reason for this and if we can understand it, we will be able to experience true inner joy, in all of our relationships, even the difficult ones.
Let me explain something about joy. The emotion of joy can cease at any moment, like the times in life when we get bad news or someone hurts our feelings. We have all experienced this. Our emotions are God given and we experience different emotions at different times. But what I want you to understand is that we are the ones who waver and change, and we replace our emotion of joy with an emotion of despair, based on our circumstances. This joy is the emotion of joy that comes from our soul man. But there is another joy that we have access to as Christians that does not change in the midst of relationship difficulties, and that joy is the joy that comes from our spirit man. The Spirit of God does not change based on our circumstances in life! God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. When we have a Spirit controlled temperament our joy cannot be taken away no matter what difficulties we face in life. Now here is the difference!
Galatians 5 says that joy is a fruit of the Spirit and the only way to experience lasting joy in all of our relationships, from the good ones to the bad ones, is to have our joy coming from our spirit man and not our soul. One of the most important things for a believer to understand is that the fruit of the Spirit is not an emotion for us to muster up and control. It is in the giving up control to the Spirit of God where we will see the fruit of joy operating in our lives on a consistent basis.
God’s promise of joy as a fruit of the Spirit does not wane and His joy is everlasting and constant, even in the midst of our relationship difficulties! In fact, we have a promise from God in Psalm 94:18, 19 that says, “When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” NIV The Lord consoles us in our times of grief and trouble and that consolation is meant to bring joy to our souls; but only if we hold onto the promise of joy as a fruit of the Spirit and not just as an emotion of the soul. When we have the fruit of the Spirit operating in our lives, our circumstances and relationship problems won’t overwhelm us to the point where we lose our faith or our identity in the process of experiencing a relational problem.
When we become more intimately acquainted with God on a personal level we will begin to understand the difference between the fruit of the Spirit and the emotions of the soul. This insight will take us to a new level of understanding God’s character and His Word. We also have to remember John 15:16 when Jesus says, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.” NKJV and in the NIV it says, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.”
Here is the choice the believer has to make. Who are we going to give the control of our lives to? Are we going to give over control to our soul and be tossed back and forth in our emotions depending on what we experience? Or are we going to give over the control of our emotions to the Holy Spirit and experience the fruit of joy that will last as Jesus promised? Today the choice is ours. I want to encourage you to seek wisdom and understanding in this area. If you do, you will be blessed. Let me leave you with this passage.
Proverbs 3:13 – 26:
Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, In her left hand riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, And all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her. The LORD by wisdom founded the earth; By understanding He established the heavens; By His knowledge the depths were broken up, And clouds drop down the dew. My son, let them not depart from your eyes— Keep sound wisdom and discretion; So they will be life to your soul And grace to your neck. Then you will walk safely in your way, And your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror, Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes; For the LORD will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
No God, No Peace! KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE!
In order to have rock solid relationships with people it is important to have a rock solid relationship with God through our relationship with Jesus. Many people try to build relationships on their own and they end up consciously or unconsciously sabotaging them every time. It is humanly impossible to be at peace in our relationships without God. We can try as hard as we want but ultimately we will end up disheartened, discouraged, and damaged, if we do not look to Jesus as our peace, in our relationships.
I spent many years trying to live right, be right, and speak right, in my relationships. There were days I would succeed and days I would fail. My success came on days I allowed myself to be controlled by the Holy Spirit and allowed the peace of Christ to reign in my heart. On those days I felt a true sense of accomplishment. All of my interactions with people were peaceful. When I would go to bed I was filled with peace and my mind was clear.
I have discovered that on the days when I failed, I was in control. My thoughts, words, and actions, came from within me and I wasn’t giving the control of my thoughts, words, and actions, over to God, to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. I was living in my own strength and depending on my limited knowledge and understanding of relationships to direct my steps. On those days I found myself feeling weak and inadequate. My mind would be full of suspicion, while my spirit was anxious and in unrest. I couldn’t shake negative thoughts and I had a hard time putting sentences together that made sense. I would go to bed agitated and angry at someone who had offended me during the day and frustrated with God for not intervening on my behalf.
One day when I was reading the Bible I read Romans 5:1 which says, “Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I then started to pray about this verse and realized that Christ is our peace, and that in order to have peace, not only with God, but also with man, it has to come from our relationship with Christ. I remembered the armor of God and especially Ephesians 6:15, “And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;” It was my responsibility to have my feet planted firm and fitted in the Gospel of peace and the Gospel of peace is Jesus Christ. Every promise of God has a condition. This is not a works condition in order to gain God’s approval, but rather a condition of the heart and mind that makes Jesus the Lord of every area of our lives. So in order to have peace in our relationships with people, on a consistent basis, we have to make sure our relationship with Christ is consistent and rock solid.
In Matthew 7:24, 25 Jesus says, “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.” We will always face storms in our relationships but if Christ is the center of them, we will be intact during and after the storms. We will also have peace in the assurance of knowing that sometimes He will calm the storm and at other times He will calm us in the midst of the storm.
I want to encourage you to look up the Scriptures that talk about peace.
Here are some Scriptures that I studied in this process:
Isaiah 9:6 - Jesus is our Prince of peace.
John 14:27 - Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Isaiah 48:17, 18 - Heed His commandments and your peace will be like a river.
Isaiah 48:22 - There is no peace for the wicked.
Isaiah 32:17,18 - The work of doing what is right will be peace.
Psalm 85:8 -10 - The Lord will speak peace to His people, but let them not turn back to folly.
Isaiah 26:3, 4 - You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts You.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 - God's thoughts toward you are thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Luke 2:13, 14 - God's purpose is for peace on earth and goodwill toward men.
Philippians 4:6, 7 - Let your requests be made known to God, and His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds.
Romans 5:1 - Our peace with God is through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 2:14, 17 - Jesus is our peace. Apart from Him, we do not have His peace.
1 Thessalonians 5:23 – The God of peace sanctifies you completely.
John 16: 33 – In Christ we have peace.
As you can see Christ is our peace. Again, if we want to have rock solid relationships with people, we must first build a rock solid relationship with God through our relationship with Christ. I am not talking about religion here. I am talking about a relationship and through that relationship you will have the peace of Christ reigning in your heart and being reflected in your relationships with people, no matter how a relationship takes shape or how it might end.
To be continued……………………………
I spent many years trying to live right, be right, and speak right, in my relationships. There were days I would succeed and days I would fail. My success came on days I allowed myself to be controlled by the Holy Spirit and allowed the peace of Christ to reign in my heart. On those days I felt a true sense of accomplishment. All of my interactions with people were peaceful. When I would go to bed I was filled with peace and my mind was clear.
I have discovered that on the days when I failed, I was in control. My thoughts, words, and actions, came from within me and I wasn’t giving the control of my thoughts, words, and actions, over to God, to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. I was living in my own strength and depending on my limited knowledge and understanding of relationships to direct my steps. On those days I found myself feeling weak and inadequate. My mind would be full of suspicion, while my spirit was anxious and in unrest. I couldn’t shake negative thoughts and I had a hard time putting sentences together that made sense. I would go to bed agitated and angry at someone who had offended me during the day and frustrated with God for not intervening on my behalf.
One day when I was reading the Bible I read Romans 5:1 which says, “Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I then started to pray about this verse and realized that Christ is our peace, and that in order to have peace, not only with God, but also with man, it has to come from our relationship with Christ. I remembered the armor of God and especially Ephesians 6:15, “And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;” It was my responsibility to have my feet planted firm and fitted in the Gospel of peace and the Gospel of peace is Jesus Christ. Every promise of God has a condition. This is not a works condition in order to gain God’s approval, but rather a condition of the heart and mind that makes Jesus the Lord of every area of our lives. So in order to have peace in our relationships with people, on a consistent basis, we have to make sure our relationship with Christ is consistent and rock solid.
In Matthew 7:24, 25 Jesus says, “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.” We will always face storms in our relationships but if Christ is the center of them, we will be intact during and after the storms. We will also have peace in the assurance of knowing that sometimes He will calm the storm and at other times He will calm us in the midst of the storm.
I want to encourage you to look up the Scriptures that talk about peace.
Here are some Scriptures that I studied in this process:
Isaiah 9:6 - Jesus is our Prince of peace.
John 14:27 - Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Isaiah 48:17, 18 - Heed His commandments and your peace will be like a river.
Isaiah 48:22 - There is no peace for the wicked.
Isaiah 32:17,18 - The work of doing what is right will be peace.
Psalm 85:8 -10 - The Lord will speak peace to His people, but let them not turn back to folly.
Isaiah 26:3, 4 - You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts You.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 - God's thoughts toward you are thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Luke 2:13, 14 - God's purpose is for peace on earth and goodwill toward men.
Philippians 4:6, 7 - Let your requests be made known to God, and His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds.
Romans 5:1 - Our peace with God is through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 2:14, 17 - Jesus is our peace. Apart from Him, we do not have His peace.
1 Thessalonians 5:23 – The God of peace sanctifies you completely.
John 16: 33 – In Christ we have peace.
As you can see Christ is our peace. Again, if we want to have rock solid relationships with people, we must first build a rock solid relationship with God through our relationship with Christ. I am not talking about religion here. I am talking about a relationship and through that relationship you will have the peace of Christ reigning in your heart and being reflected in your relationships with people, no matter how a relationship takes shape or how it might end.
To be continued……………………………
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